Sunday, August 26, 2018

A Messy Thing Called Love

Love, an emotional drain.
Often ends with my heart in pain.
Don’t know if the pain’s worth the gain.
Time after time my heart’s been slain.
Getting me hooked, dropping me so fast.
People keep saying the past’s the past.
But my heart always needs recuperating.
Dating’s hard, there ain’t no debating.
Tired of my emotions being discarded.
No wonder my heart’s safeguarded!

Not looking for perfection. 
Just wanting affection.
Thought I found it in you.
Mistakene’d you for one of the few.
Made me think you’re one of a kind.
The signs were there but I was blind.
Now I know better but the damage is done.
Sometimes all I want to do is run run run.
Not the ‘flight’ type but tired of fighting.
Need my dose of cathartic writing.




Sunday, July 15, 2018

Moving Forward

Today, I’m becoming the future version of me.
When it comes to you, what I get is what I see.
Stuck in your ways, you act so selfishly.
I put too much trust in who you can be.
Invested emotions, patience and energy.
You created an illusion that enveloped me.
You knew what to say. 
To get me to stay.

I gave and you received.
I believed and you deceived.
My heart’s battery is running low.
Where’s my John Doe?
I want to find someone great.
Why is he so late?
Love is a battlefield and I chose to fight.
You said many things to sound right.
Yet, it felt so wrong.
You thought you can string me along.
I’ll move on, as I always do.
Because I’m just not that into you.



Sunday, June 17, 2018

Someone Who Cares

Braces won’t fix that crooked smile.
My hurt will not reach your heart.
My tears will not soften you up.
You just don’t care enough.
But I care.

You’ll find another excuse to justify.
You’ll assume that I’ll give you another try.
It may be hard, will not lie.
Yet, I say no to you.
I deserve what you’ll never give me.
And will find someone who cares.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

The Opposite Of You

Imagine if I could turn all the hate I have for you into love for someone else. 
How beautiful would that be?
Or, if I let go of the pain
And filled my life with joy.
As bad as you were, I’ll find someone just as good.
As much as you took me for granted, I’ll find someone who cherishes me just as much. 
As selfish as you were, I’ll find someone just as selfless.
As much as you held me back, I’ll find someone who pushes me forward.
So much so that you will become a distant memory.
Imagine how great that would be.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

I Miss You But I Don’t

I miss the way you smiled at me.
Oh, how smiles can be fake.
I miss the way you touched me.
Oh, how your touch will repulse me.
I miss your sense of adventurousness.
Oh, how you will disrespect my boundaries.
I miss your mysteriousness.
Oh, how I will confound it with rigidity.
I miss your encouraging words.
Oh, how they will cut me like a knife.
I miss how you were always there.
Oh, how you will disappear into thin air.
I thought I will miss having you near me.
Oh, how one day you will be far from my heart.

Sunday, May 6, 2018

I Pray

Livin’ in confusion.
My dreams a mere illusion.
Dilemmas I face.
Tryin’ to go at my pace.
But life feels like a race.
Decisions I must make.
Risks I must take.
I try to be diligent.
No room for relinquishment.

Don’t wanna make a habit of the pain.
Must get rid of the stress and the strain.
Can’t deal with boys’ immaturity.
And their hearts’ rigidity.
Yet, their negativity
Ain’t goin’ to affect me.
They might cut me once,
Twice but not thrice.
That time in my life is gone.
I am strong. I move on.

Don’t tell me to stay optimistic,
When my emotions are goin’ ballistic.
What I need is direction.
But all I’m feeling is abjection.
All I ask for is peace at heart.
Better experiences, a fresh start.
I ask for clarity, stability and prosperity.
And for my heart, mind and soul to be in unity.
My dreams of success and love a reality.





Monday, April 23, 2018

The Tears I Cry

The tears I cry over you are temporary.
In the morning, my pillowcase will be dry.
Tears of pain that I know all too well.
I’ve been disappointed many times.
That won’t stop me from believing in others.
It only takes one person who is right for me.
Who will love me and care.

You think I’m too emotional.
I think you’re too toxic.
You think I’m too negative.
I think you’re too insensitive.
Now I know how little I matter to you.
Now I know that it’s time to move on.
Your loss will be for you to regret.
You said what you said.
You did what you did.
You are who you are.
I can do better.

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Forgiveness: A Gift To Myself

I realized that I feel slighted easily by people: colleagues, classmates, friends, family and partners. Worse yet, I often hold a grudge. I may never act on the grudge but it festers. I have a phenomenal memory, when it comes to situations in which others have hurt me. Yet, compliments and positive moments I’ve shared with others, often slip my mind. I want to let go of the toxicity and gain control of my feelings.

When men are unkind to me, all the times they hurt me comes to the forefront of my mind. I not only become angry about one situation but the accumulation of all the prior times where I was hurt. I feel so bad that there is not much that can get me out of that tornado of negativity. I feel trapped in my anger. I may keep these memories at the back of my mind but they remain close to my heart. 

I don’t blame myself for things that I’ve been through with men. But I do take ownership in how I interpret situations and how I let them effect me. It’s difficult for me to try and let go without apologies and closure. It’s difficult for me not to let my emotions take over me and get angry times three at these men for hurting me. Although, my best revenge is to be happy and positive. Forgiveness is a gift I want to give to myself. I deserve it.


Sunday, April 1, 2018

Race Against Time

“Life is short”, they say.
“So live it up each and every day”.
Life is short in numbers but not in time.
Life outside the box is seen as a crime.
Time is portrayed as the enemy.
It’s all about finishing school and finding love already.

We look around us for inspiration.
We look at others with admiration.
We feel like we’re behind in everything.
We want to find love already- we’re aging.
We look at others with the perfect career.
Time only advances and we feel nowhere near.
We believe we better get there fast.
Because we don’t want to finish last.

Thing is, success comes in many different forms.
We each have our unique strengths; there are no norms.
We each have our own timeline.
Sooner or later, we’ll shine.
Success is going at our own pace.
We must not race.



















Sunday, March 25, 2018

Trapped In The Future

I have been told by men to live in the moment.
To do so seems almost impossible to me because of my future-oriented mindset.
Yet, (almost) every person that comes into our life, has a lesson to teach us.
So I wonder, what is the lesson to be learned here?
Will living in the moment bring me greater happiness?
My heart is heavy with the pain of my past and my lungs are filled with toxins.
I try to reduce the swarm of thoughts and emotions and just focus on the now.
Yet, it’s difficult to practice mindfulness, when my mind is always on auto-pilot.

I can’t seem to keep my mind from running a million miles an hour.
Thinking about the future gives me comfort.
It helps me manage my anxiety, through preparation.
It helps me escape my uncertainties of the present.
And gives me hope that I can mold my future.
I fantasize about a future that makes up for my past.
But my fantasies take me away from real life moments.
My fantasies are momentarily pleasant but sometimes turn into expectations.
Expectations sometimes lead to disappointment.
And disappointment to unhappiness.

I don’t know what my future holds.
When will I get married? When will I have children? Will I have a satisfying job? Will I live a good life?
I obsess about it but I don’t want to.
I don’t want to live as if there’s no tomorrow because if I do I will have nothing left.
I don’t want to live as if only tomorrow exists because if I do I will never actually get to live.
I just hope to find some moments where the future doesn’t exist so I can experience life’s beauties.
My future will be brighter, if I make the best of the present.
Yet, my present will not be brighter, if I only live for the future.
I regret always allowing my guilt to pull me away from present moments. 
I regret living life, without really thinking and really feeling.
Or, thinking too much and feeling too much.
I just want to be mindful, grateful and happy.











Sunday, March 11, 2018

If I Could

If I could say something to my 13 year old self, what would it be?
Don’t let bullies get to you. One day you’ll have friends who love you.
If I could say something to my 15 year old self, what would it be?
Be yourself and don’t allow others to make you feel bad about it.
If I could say something to my 17 year old self, what would it be?
Don’t feel pressured deciding what you want to do with your life.
If I could say something to my 20 year old self, what would it be?
Take care of yourself...it feels good. 
If I could say something to my 23 year old self, what would it be?
Live up to your own standards and stop competing with others.
What would I like to say to my now 25 year old self?
Stop obsessing about meeting your soulmate. It will happen, when the time is right.

I don’t want to spend my singlehood worried.
Worried about ending up alone.
So much of my energy has been wasted.
Wasted on comparing myself to other young people who have found their soulmate and wondering when my time will come. 
While I’m single, I might as well take advantage.
Advantage of the time I have to explore what I want to do with my life, gain experience and work on myself. I want to stop wasting my time being an unhappy and self-pitying single. It’s not my time and I refuse to continue in my self-destructive single ways.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

True Love

Love is work.
A work of art.
Love is growth.
Growth requires nurture.
Love is strong.
Strong enough to overcome.

Love is knowing to let go.
Let go of our trust issues.
Love is mindfulness.
Mindfulness of our experiences.
Love is maximizing the little moments.
Moments that create a greater story.
Love is forgiveness.
Forgiveness of the other for not being perfect.

Love is completeness.
Completeness of the mind, body and soul.
Love is joy.
Pure rare joy.
Love takes time.
But is timeless.



Sunday, February 11, 2018

Shadow Of My Past

I’m tired of living life in a state of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of making mistakes and fear of being hurt. Most of all, the fear of never finding anybody to love me. 

I try to put my fears aside and be open to experiences with men. I try to stay present but my anxiety that stems from past experiences pulls me into a dark place. When I look into a man’s eyes, I wonder if he’ll treat me well, validate my emotions and be different than the men of my past.

I’m in a tug of war between my heart on one end and my body and brain on the other. My heart tells me to enjoy getting to know every new man in my life, while my body rejects him and my brain takes me to dark moments in my past. 

I want to follow my heart, when it comes to love and stop living in fear. I want to find excitement in the unknown, meaning in my mistakes and strength in my pain. I’m on the right track but the road is long. Hopefully, the road will lead me into the arms of a great man, who’ll make it worth it.


Sunday, February 4, 2018

An Unmovie Kind Of Love

Desire is a wonderful sensation. When you desire to be with somebody, your whole body knows it. Your heart beats faster/slower, the tone of your voice changes and your speech changes when you’re talking to the person. The desire may be even stronger when there’s a tension that builds between you two. The tension may be something that only you feel. Maybe you don’t want to like him/her but you can’t help it. Or, maybe you two continuously bicker with an underlying layer of flirtation.

This kind of passion is nothing more than lust. The kind of desire that’s superficial. Say there’s a guy that you’ve known for a couple of years through your social circles who you don’t really like. You always argue and plus you hate how he’s such a player. Nevertheless, there’s an undeniable attraction you have towards him. You might be acting in a cold manner towards him but he’s got his eyes set on you. In fact, the bickering turns him on. One day, during a typical argument, he pulls you close to him and kisses you. Just because the desire is present and the tension has been there for such a long time, it doesn’t mean that the kissing will be enjoyable, as it would in the movies. In movies, these kinds of scenarios would be passion-fuelled and passion-filled. In reality things might not end up so great.

Desire is most powerful when you like the person for who they are. Even if you’re not in a relationship with that person, it’s important to trust him/her before giving in to the desire you have for each other. When you’re pleased with someone’s physical appearance and/or how they make you feel physically, it’s easy to be blinded by serious personality differences that might make you two clash. Sooner or later, you’ll have to face these personality differences and when you do, you’ll be disappointed. You don’t always have to act on the butterflies in your stomach. Sometimes, you just have  to wait for them to go away. It’s always worth seeing if the person has the right intentions before deciding to take advantage of a passionate moment. If you do end up liking the person and are attracted to him/her, think about the many passionate moments you could have together. On the other hand, if you take advantage of a passionate moment you have with a person you don’t like/know think about the regret/disappointment.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

To Trust Or Not To Trust?

With every man I meet, many questions flood my head. Will this man be different from the men in my past? Will he respect me, appreciate me and treat me with kindness? Can I let my guards down around him, or, will he take advantage of my kind heart? Should I act tough around him so he knows he can’t mess with me? Can I flirt with him a bit, or will he only think about sex? Should I be my open genuine self with him from the get go? Or will he judge me? I really want to start fresh with every man I meet but I also want to use the lessons from my past experiences to make better choices with men.

I don’t want to project my past experiences with the men of my past unto each new man I meet. I don’t want to worry about how everything I say and do can be used against me. I want to feel free to live in the present with every new experience. I want to continue being myself and not worry about how every man I give a chance to will treat me. Most of all, I want to let go of the hurt I carry from the men of my past. Holding on to all the frustrations and disappointments of my past is exhausting. I want to give men a fair chance and not assume that they’ll be like the men of my past. Yet, I also want to be careful to stay away from men who will hurt me. Finding a balance between the two is a challenge.




Sunday, January 21, 2018

If Only...

If only I met you now and not another time,
We’d be perfect for each other.
But then again, we’d be different people.
If only you had more time for me,
We’d be perfect for each other.
But if you cared enough, you’d make time.
If only you valued the times we spent together,
We’d be perfect for each other.
But if you thought I was special, you’d value those times.
If only we were looking for the same things in a partner at the same time, 
We’d be perfect for each other.
But then again, our journeys are different.

We deserve better than an excuse of time. Time can sometimes be the reason why two people can’t be together and that’s enough of a reason to not be with someone.
Similarly, people can only be who they are in the present. So if you meet them now they can’t offer you a future version of themselves, even if that version seems like a great fit for you. “Bad timing” just means it wasn’t meant to be. When things are meant to be they will fall into place and it will happen in “perfect timing”. 






Sunday, January 14, 2018

Open Letter To All The Nice Guys

Nice guys,

Please quit complaining that girls always reject you because “you’re too nice”. First of all, I have yet to meet a man who is too nice. Second of all, you should always treat people with kindness. Now that we got that out of the way, I just wanted to say that if a woman tells you “you’re too nice” she could mean one of the following: “You’re so nice but I wish you took more initiative and had more of a backbone”. Let’s face it gentlemen, most women in a heterosexual relationship (I can’t speak for anything other than that) want to feel pursued, desired and needed. She’s telling you you’re not making her feel those things. She might also mean “You’re so nice but I don’t feel like you can handle me”. Women (such as myself) crave a man who can take us as we are, strong-willed, opinionated, feisty and all. You can’t tames us if you won’t even hurt a fly. Lastly, this phrase might mean “You’re so nice but boring”. Harsh but this means something is missing. Maybe she doesn’t feel the spark,tension, or excitement. And if she doesn’t feel that “special connection” in the beginning she won’t be enticed to get involved with you.

Take those “you’re too nice words” as a learning experience or leave it as it is and find someone who doesn’t think you’re too nice. But absolutely don’t think the solution is to turn into a jerk. Some women go for jerks not because they love to be mistreated (at least most women don’t) but because they’re attracted to something those jerks offer them that you’re not. Show her different sides to you. Find out how to talk to her in a way that she responds to. The greatest sex organ in a woman is her mind. Stimulate her with your words, kindness and passion. Remember, most women aren’t satisfied with the jerks in the long run because of their hurtful words and unkind ways. Learn from the jerks. Use their skill of keeping a woman enticed with you’re kind heart and you make for the perfect catch.

Remember, nice guys win in the end. Ultimately, women want the nice guy to marry them and raise a family with. But yes, too much of anything is never good, including niceness. Did you ever consider that maybe deep down inside the woman who told you you’re too nice wishes you would just tweak things a bit here and there? Maybe she tells herself “he’s so nice but if only...”. I’m not saying that you should change yourself (unless, you’re a jerk). Just change the way you make her feel. Give her reason to believe you can be a good friend and an even greater partner. Pay attention to what she looks for in a man specifically (don’t tell me “jerks”) and decide whether or not you can offer her that. 

Disclaimer: There’s also a possibility that the woman who told you you’re too nice made up her mind and will never see you as more than friends. Yet, it’s not always the case! So take that phrase as a challenge upon yourself to change the way that woman sees you. If it’s too late/doesn’t happen, there’s always next time. Winners have a winners mindset and losers a losers mindset. It all comes down to what you make of it. Are you going to start walking around with a losers “I’m too nice” mindset or “let me see what I can do to get a different outcome” winner’s mindset? I suggest that all you nice guys out there stop complaining about your difficulties in dating because you’re “too nice” and do something about your situation. Most importantly, do the world a favour and stay nice.


Sunday, January 7, 2018

Me In The Mirror

With me, what you see is not what you get. I am more than my face and body. I am more than my sexuality. It is unfair how so many men define me by my physicality and neglect to see me for who I am as a human being. Nevertheless, what matters most is my own perception of myself. As long as I respect myself, I will only allow people in my life who deserve to be in it. Others will not succeed to shame me for being me because only I control the way I feel. Besides, judging others is easy but being in their shoes is impossible. 

I am not what I attract. I did nothing to deserve the pain some men in my life have inflicted upon me. My only mistake was giving these men too many chances and hoping that they will change for the better. The way I look, dress, talk and act does not justify the way some men treated me. I just let the wrong people get away with treating me badly. No one gets to blame men’s mistreatment of me on me.

In addition, when it comes to the way I look, dress, talk and act, the only person I have to answer to is the person I see staring back at me in the mirror. I do not have to change my ways. I do have to change who I let into my life. I am comfortable enough in my own skin to know that it is OK if not everyone likes me. I recognize I am not perfect. I am still finding myself and growing into a better version of myself. Yet, it is my journey and I will not allow others to tell me which path I must take.

Right now my commitment is to myself. I owe it to myself to surround myself with people who are kind and limit the toxicity in my life. I owe it to myself to be around people who do not judge me. I owe it to myself to be around people who like me the way I am. I know my potential as a partner and as a mother. I know that when I will be in those roles I will not be perfect but I will try my best. I owe it to myself to be with a man who sees that potential in me too.