Shadow Of My Past

I’m tired of living life in a state of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of making mistakes and fear of being hurt. Most of all, the fear of never finding anybody to love me. 

I try to put my fears aside and be open to experiences with men. I try to stay present but my anxiety that stems from past experiences pulls me into a dark place. When I look into a man’s eyes, I wonder if he’ll treat me well, validate my emotions and be different than the men of my past.

I’m in a tug of war between my heart on one end and my body and brain on the other. My heart tells me to enjoy getting to know every new man in my life, while my body rejects him and my brain takes me to dark moments in my past. 

I want to follow my heart, when it comes to love and stop living in fear. I want to find excitement in the unknown, meaning in my mistakes and strength in my pain. I’m on the right track but the road is long. Hopefully, the road will lead me into the arms of a great man, who’ll make it worth it.

An Unmovie Kind Of Love

Desire is a wonderful sensation. When you desire to be with somebody, your whole body knows it. Your heart beats faster/slower, the tone of your voice changes and your speech changes when you’re talking to the person. The desire may be even stronger when there’s a tension that builds between you two. The tension may be something that only you feel. Maybe you don’t want to like him/her but you can’t help it. Or, maybe you two continuously bicker with an underlying layer of flirtation.

This kind of passion is nothing more than lust. The kind of desire that’s superficial. Say there’s a guy that you’ve known for a couple of years through your social circles who you don’t really like. You always argue and plus you hate how he’s such a player. Nevertheless, there’s an undeniable attraction you have towards him. You might be acting in a cold manner towards him but he’s got his eyes set on you. In fact, the bickering turns him on. One day, during a typical argument, he pulls you close to him and kisses you. Just because the desire is present and the tension has been there for such a long time, it doesn’t mean that the kissing will be enjoyable, as it would in the movies. In movies, these kinds of scenarios would be passion-fuelled and passion-filled. In reality things might not end up so great.

Desire is most powerful when you like the person for who they are. Even if you’re not in a relationship with that person, it’s important to trust him/her before giving in to the desire you have for each other. When you’re pleased with someone’s physical appearance and/or how they make you feel physically, it’s easy to be blinded by serious personality differences that might make you two clash. Sooner or later, you’ll have to face these personality differences and when you do, you’ll be disappointed. You don’t always have to act on the butterflies in your stomach. Sometimes, you just have  to wait for them to go away. It’s always worth seeing if the person has the right intentions before deciding to take advantage of a passionate moment. If you do end up liking the person and are attracted to him/her, think about the many passionate moments you could have together. On the other hand, if you take advantage of a passionate moment you have with a person you don’t like/know think about the regret/disappointment.