Do Good Things Come To Girls Who Wait?

Not necessarily and here is why. From a young age girls are told to respect themselves and only give themselves up for the “right” man. Yet, I don’t believe that this will necessarily enable a woman to find a good man to settle down with any sooner. While society encourages men to explore their sexuality, women are expected to control theirs. That is, while men can get into casual relationships, without being criticized, the same is often not the case for women. This double-standard may leave women who choose to be in casual relationships feeling guilty.

In addition to this gender inequality, women are basically bombarded with messages that if they have any self-respect they will wait for Mr. Right. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with a woman who dates men who she knows she's not interested being with in the long-term. If she chooses to casually date in her 20s, for example, and only settle down with a guy later in life, that’s ok! Besides, just because a woman chooses to take part in casual relationships, it doesn’t mean that she’s any farther away from finding a marriage partner than is a woman who chooses to hold off sex until she’s in love or feels like she found Mister Right. In fact, it can be argued that in allowing themselves to experiment with their sexuality by casually dating, some women will find Mister Right sooner than some other women who only get into serious relationships, as the former have a bigger picture of what they are looking for in a partner, both sexually and non-sexually.

Further, just because a woman doesn’t wait to fall in love to have sex, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have high standards/boundaries and vice-versa. On the contrary, the opposite could be argued, in that, some women actually learn what their standards/boundaries are by allowing themselves to explore their sexuality. What really matters is that a woman has standards/boundaries and is assertive enough to stand by them. However, being assertive doesn’t come easy to all people. For those women who aren’t assertive, practicing doing so with several men they casually date can be more effective than practicing on fewer guys that they get into serious relationships with.

To conclude, waiting to date Mister Right doesn’t necessarily entail that a woman will have a happier and healthier relationship outcome. Further, just like men are able to explore their sexuality without societal repercussions, so should women. The nature of the relationship a woman chooses to get into (casual, serious, etc.) isn’t what determines whether or not she has standards/boundaries and self-respect. What matters is that she’s assertive enough to stand by her values and standards/boundaries, something that can be practiced by having several casual relationships and which will help her find the man of her dreams all the sooner.

Men Tell All: Do Looks Really Matter?

As requested, I asked men to tell me what's the number one thing that attracts them to a woman. I told them that their answer can involve something physical or something non-physical. I was curious to see how much physical appearance matters to men, when it comes to dating. Here is what men said:

Her looks/body
Three men said that the first thing that attracts them to a woman is her looks/body. The body parts of a woman most attractive to men can be divided into two major categories: their breasts and their bum. One of the men I interviewed clarified why he (and perhaps many other men) focus on these particular body parts. He said that for him, looking at a woman's breasts and bum, causes him to fantasize about making love to her. Yet, another man explained to me that while the first thing that attracts him to a woman is her physical beauty, the spark that this can initially create cannot be maintained by this alone. In the long run, the most attractive qualities to him are knowledge/intelligence, wit and creativity. Similarly, another man said that the quickest way for him to be attracted to a woman is her looks but interestingly enough he did not find the people he had the strongest feelings for very attractive. As long as a guy doesn't make obnoxious comments about your breasts or bum, I say embrace these body parts that make you sensual and feminine. If you are trying to attract some cute guy, don't be shy to wear some nice jeans that emphasize your bum, for example. Of course, this should not be the only thing that you emphasize if you want a serious relationship. Also, you don't have to make an effort to attract any attention to your body, if you are uncomfortable doing so, even if many men are visual. Just know that if you do make an effort, it should be because of a choice YOU made and embrace.

Her face 
Two men told me that it's important to them that the woman they are with has a pretty face. While a woman's body can go through drastic changes, through diet and exercise for example, a woman's face remains more or less the same over the years (considering no dramatic plastic surgery was done). And this is why one man told me that the number one thing he finds attractive in a woman is her face. The other man agreed that a woman can be super fit but without an attractive face he won't be attracted to her. In fact, he rather go out with a chubby girl with an attractive face than a fit girl with an unattractive face. It's important to him that he likes the woman's face because that's what he's going to be waking up to. He couldn't do so with a girl who's face he doesn't like. This makes sense, as a person's face is normally the first thing someone notices and so it plays an important role in attraction.

Her personality
Six men brought up a woman's personality in relation to attraction. One man said "For me it's 80% not physical." To him, humbleness is attractive. Her body language, behavior and the way she smiles/laughs matters too. Another man I interviewed explained to me why a woman's laugh is the most attractive trait to him. He said that people's laughs give him insight into their personality. For example, a softer, higher pitched laugh indicates shyness to him. This man said that he prefers laughs that indicate a confident and outgoing personality. Someone else I interviewed also said that confidence/self-assurance is the most attractive trait in a woman and it comes across through her personality and the way she carries herself. An open-minded woman, who doesn't play games, loves to talk about a range of topics and who's not afraid to speak her mind was also described as attractive. Finally, I was also told that the most appealing thing in a woman is a nurturing character, as it's at the core of femininity and a  nice contrast to a typical man's ruggedness. Despite the different preferences in personality, in order to bond with a partner, a man will have to be able to get along with her/him. Thus, it's important that a man put some focus on the other person's personality and not just the way she/he looks.

So ladies, personality overwhelmingly wins! Plus, the men who said that looks is the first thing they notice, don't necessarily ignore the importance of personality.

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Thanks to the following men for their participation in this article (their initials): BH, BI, DL, JB, JH, ML, MS, MZ, QH, YB   

Women Tell All: What Women Love In A Man And What They Hate

Listen closely men because in the following article I will tell you what women told me they love most and what they hate most that a guy does in the early stages of dating/when getting to know him.

Women love it when you...

Respect her. Respect her boundaries, treat her with dignity and don’t objectify her. For example, don’t pressure her into sex. Also, respect her needs. So, if she needs some space give it to her.

Have good/intellectual conversation with her. Keep her intrigued by showing her that you are intelligent and knowledgeable. Be sure to find out what she likes and dislikes. Listening to her and asking questions will show her you care about what she has to say. It’s important that you respect her opinions and beliefs, which will make her feel accepted by you. Also, be open and make her laugh to put her at ease. Remember, you should both be taking the role of talker and listener.

Pay close attention to the little details. While it’s important to remember the most important things about a woman, it’s especially sweet when a guy remembers the little details. One woman for example told me that she told a guy that she likes white chocolate and so on their next date he brought her white chocolate. How romantic!

Are able to admit that you don’t know something. You don’t have to be a know-it-all to win her heart. In fact, you don’t want to come off as arrogant. It doesn’t make you less of a man to admit that you don’t know something. On the contrary, humility is a very attractive trait.

Text her/call her a lot. But don’t overdo it. Perhaps, a couple of texts throughout the day or even one call a day. This will make her feel that you are thinking about her a lot and that you two are getting closer. Make sure you call her several times throughout the week, as speaking on the phone is more meaningful than texting.

Are direct. Being direct tells a woman that you are transparent, which is very important in a caring and trusting relationship. If there is a problem in the relationship, you want there to be a safe space for your partner to bring it up to you.

Are yourself. Be honest and don’t be afraid to show your true colors.

Are generous. You don’t have to go over the top but there is nothing wrong with spending your money on a woman you really care about!

Are a gentleman. Only some women really appreciate romantic gestures but all want to feel special and loved. So make an effort to make her feel that way. Bring her flowers and/or chocolate, open the door for her, etc. Little things go a long way…

Are flirtatious. Chemistry is very important. Good conversation is not enough. Flirt with her and make her feel beautiful and desired. Show her that you want to be more than just friends…

Are spontaneous. A good way to get a woman’s attention is by being spontaneous. In the beginning when you are dating a woman consider doing something spontaneous. Find out what activities she likes and see if you can come up with a cool date. For example, instead of the standard coffee or drinks, maybe go bowling or to a dance class.

 Women hate it when you…

Play games. If you like her, tell her. Simple as that. It’s cruel to keep her guessing with your mixed messages. Calling a woman all the time, joking with her constantly and spending a lot of time alone with her, is the behavior of a guy who is interested in her. So don’t tell her you just want to be friends when you do all those things. It’s unfair to mislead someone and it’s hurtful. While it’s possible for a man and a woman to be friends, there is a pretty clear line that must not be crossed. One of the women I interviewed told me about this guy who does all the above mentioned things to her and even wrote a song about a girl that seemed to be her and sent it to her. Yet, he said that the song isn’t about her. In the meantime, this woman has feelings for this guy and he keeps on doing things that make her hope that something more than a friendship can develop.

Are not direct. Again, talk about what kind of relationship you are looking for. That is, don’t tell her that you want a serious relationship, when all you really want is to sleep with her. Tell her what you expect from her and ask her what she expects from you. Also, don’t spring important information on her well into the relationship. For example, if you have children let her know right away.  Basically, if you like her tell her, if you don’t, tell her too (or at least if she seems to be getting the wrong message). If you just want to be friends with her tell her.

Are not yourself. Be honest with the woman you are dating right from the get-go. Don’t embellish things about yourself such as how much money you make, how fit you are, etc. Honesty is the best policy. If you lie, it’ll catch up with you sooner or later. Also, you deserve to be with a woman who accepts you for who you are and she deserves the same. Further, don’t pretend to be somebody you aren’t, by either lying that you love what she loves, or telling a woman what you think she wants to hear, just to get another date with her or just to sleep with her.

Talk about yourself too much. Remember, communication involves more than one person talking. Show her that you are interested in her by showing eagerness (not too much too soon, though) to get to know her.

Talk about other women. It’s okay to talk about your female family members but don’t talk about them or other women obsessively. Doing this might make a woman feel less worthy and self-conscious. Focus all of your attention on the woman you are with.

Are clingy/possessive. Don’t text her too much, as to not overwhelm her or look desperate, which is unattractive. Show her that you are not her entire world, although an important part of it. That is, don’t ask her to hang out all the time. It is also important that you let her hang out with her friends and do things without you. In a healthy relationship, you need to give your partner space and it’s important that each partner has an identity outside of the relationship.

Stop calling them and texting them after the first few days or weeks, only to hear from you again later. Be consistent-call and text her on an ongoing basis (within reason, as to not be too clingy/possessive). Also, don’t make her wait FOREVER for your text after a date went well. After a date, you have two days to text her. Best thing is to text her/call her the same day that you went on a date and tell her how much you enjoyed her company, and that you would like to see her again soon, if that is the case. And make sure to follow through. If you are not interested, let her know or completely stop contacting her but don’t text her every couple of weeks.

So, men (and women) what do you think?

Thanks to the following women for their participation in this article (their initials): AR, BC, CM, DD, EC, EG, HD, JG, SH, VL, ZG

                                                         

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Men Tell All: Signs That A Guy Likes You

As requested, I asked men to give me tips on how a girl can know that a guy is interested in her. Here is what they said:

It’s complicated. Love is not straightforward and so it’s not always easy to tell that a guy is interested in you. Guys don’t always know how to express their interest in a girl and the reasons vary: nervousness, fear of rejection, shyness, feeling that they are not good enough for the girl, etc. Fear of rejection keeps many men from pursuing a love interest. It’s easy to think that guys are supposed to be “the man” in the situation and ask the girl out, without fearing rejection. But men are humans too and just like girls they don’t want to face the consequences of being rejected. Also, a guy’s actions might contradict what you expect from a guy that’s into you. For example: while some guys will engage in conversation with you, other guys might avoid you or act weird around you. Similarly, while some men will waste no time in asking you out, other men will take some time. Love makes us act in strange ways. So don’t jump to conclusions! Be patient and time will tell…

Verbal Communication. A guy who is interested in you will engage in conversation with you and ask follow-up questions, as to keep the conversation flowing and smooth. He will ask you for your opinions on things, about yourself, what your interests are and will listen to what you have to say.

Non-verbal communication. Body language is a non-verbal way for a guy to show interest in you. For example, he acts nervous and shy around you. Or, he acts differently around you than he does around his friends. Also, a guy who is interested in you will try and steal glances of you. He’ll touch you occasionally in a friendly, non-invasive way, which is a way of telling you he wants to be close to you. In fact, it may be hard for some guys to verbally express their feelings to you and so they might gently reach for your hand instead, while you happen to be engaged in a nice conversation.  

He puts in a lot of time and energy to show you he cares about you. The guy makes an effort to spend time with you and cherishes the moments you share.  If he doesn’t put in the time then he’s just not that into you. If he’s interested in you, he’ll concern himself with your needs, even placing yours before his and he’ll treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve. While many girls are attracted to bad or “bad” boys, myself included, a guy who likes you will be nice to you.   

He makes an effort to get along with your friends. Good friends have each other’s backs and it’s important in any healthy relationship that your partner gets along with your friends. When a girl really likes a guy she normally wants her friends to like him too. This means that a guy who is interested in you will try and get the thumbs up from your friends. If your friends like him, they will support your relationship with him. If he is really nice to your friends he is probably really into you.

He tries to impress you. Not only will he show you off to everybody (even if this means introducing you as a friend for the time being), he will also try to impress you. Yes, he might want to impress you with how successful he is in life but also with things that emphasize his caring and nurturing character. This includes telling you about all his volunteer experiences and how much he loves kids. Further, simple acts of kindness can go a long way. For example, always making himself available to help you with whatever you need.  Another way of impressing you would be through humor. Many women find humor to be very attractive. A guy who is truly interested in you will want to do whatever he can to make you happy! 

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Thanks to the following men for their participation in this article (their initials): B-H, BI, DR, JB, MC, MS, MZ, NC, QH, YB

5 Tell-Tale Signs That The Guy You Are Dating Is Into You

1.  You speak on a weekly basis. A guy who cares about you will want to know how you are doing on a regular basis. This means that you both talk about what is happening in your respective lives and ask the other person about his/her’s. Your partner texting you once in a blue moon is not enough. If that is the case, he probably just sees you as some girl he can hook up with. Basically, meaningful conversations between you and your partner and weekly updates on your lives are very important in a committed relationship.
2. He compliments you and tells you he loves you. Now, I don’t mean over-complimenting you but he should be giving you compliments, both on physical and non-physical attributes. A guy who is both attracted to you physically and emotionally is a guy who is interested in you. Of course, telling you “I love you” regularly shows how much he thinks of you.
3. He doesn’t lie to you and keeps his word. When a guy doesn’t feel comfortable enough to tell you the truth or simply couldn’t care less, it says a lot about how he feels about you. In an open and genuine relationship, proper communication is made possible. As for keeping his word, this one is especially important to me. Not only does it say a lot about his character but it also says a lot about how much he cherishes you. A guy who makes many promises but doesn’t keep them and consistently lets you down, is a guy who doesn’t care enough about you.
4. He listens to you and respects your needs. When you bring up a problem in the relationship to the guy, he listens and works with you on fixing it. When a guy brushes you off, telling you he doesn’t want to talk about “feelings” or gets mad at you for always bringing up problems, he is the problem, not you. It is also important that the guy respects your boundaries and doesn’t try to pressure you into anything. As being in a relationship is hard work and involves a lot of communication, both partners must be willing to put in the effort. Otherwise, the relationship is likely to fail.
5. He is patient and kind to you. A guy who is patient is a guy who sticks by your side when you are in a bad mood and tries to lift your spirits, with a nice massage, a hug, a movie, or whatever it takes.  He doesn’t start a fight with you over the smallest of things. Two wrongs don’t make a right and so trying to get back at you, instead of talking things through is not the right approach to take. Kindness too is important, as it demonstrates the guy’s respect for you and your happiness.

There are many ways that a guy can express his love for you. The ones mentioned in this article are some important ones.