The Dramatic Life Of A Single Girl

Either it always follows me or I always follow it. It's a being in itself. It's a dark force. It consumes me. Once I inhale it, I must exhale it. It stands between me and my happiness. Drama...I'm so over it.

Drama has more to do with my reactions to situations than the situations themselves. Drama might follow me but my reactions to situations is something I can control. That is, when a problem arises, I can choose to be a part of it and react in a dramatic fashion, or keep my cool and distance myself from the drama.

By going into dates with no expectations, it's easier to distance myself from the drama. This is because when things don't work out, I can move on, without putting up with any drama. Instead of seeing the potential with a guy I barely know, I remind myself that what I see is what I get. It's not up to me to change a guy, it's up to him.

I no longer want to argue with guys I barely know. I no longer want to explain to guys why their behavior is appalling. And I no longer want guys to make me feel like I'm an emotional wreck who needs to calm down. I also try not to become reactive when guys offend me because I'm tired of fighting. I shouldn't have to tell guys to treat me right.

The hardest is not giving guys too many chances. I often think if only a guy behaved differently in such and such respect, we can be good for each other. But what actually ends up happening when I give a guy too many chances is that the arguments reoccur and it's always the same old drama. Giving guys chance after chance keeps me stuck in an unhealthy cycle. Arguments are normal but at one point enough is enough.

Drama keeps me chained to the present. It holds me back from a great future with someone special. By going into dates with no expectations, refusing to argue with guys over things that should be clear to them and not giving them too many chances, I'm set free from negativity.

Be With A Man Who Appreciates You

We all want to feel appreciated by our man and we deserve it. It gives us a sense of security and comfort. If he doesn't appreciate you, he probably has the wrong intentions. Following are some signs that your man appreciates you.

If he cares, he'll let you know. What he gives is all that you'll get. I often fall in the trap of giving men too many chances, hoping they'll change their behaviors. Thing is they don't. Maybe one day they'll change their behaviors for a woman they love. But the change has to come from the men themselves. After a couple of chances, if your man doesn't change his ways, it's probably time to move on. The last thing you should be doing is asking him to be more appreciative of you.

If he cares, he'll be naturally inclined to compliment you, respect you and try to make you smile. You shouldn't feel the need to ask him to do so. And you definitely shouldn't be the only one making an effort. Reciprocity is very important in relationships. A lack of it can lead to resentment, loneliness and insecurity.

If he cares, he'll be scared to lose you. So when you fight rather than ignore you, he'll try to work through the problem with you. If he's in the wrong, he'll apologize and do what it takes to get your trust back. He'll invest time and energy in your relationship because he values it. If he's not afraid to lose you, he'll find someone else, instead of working through your problems.

If he cares, he'll encourage you to be you. It's very important that you're given a safe space to express yourself. You shouldn't worry that whatever you do/say will scare him away. If he tells you that you shouldn't be emotional, he's not interested in you as a person. In that case, he might just want you for sex or other purposes.

If he cares, he'll treat you like a rarity not a commodity. He'll do nice things to please you and not to satisfy his own selfish needs. That is, he won't spend time with you/take you out and expect sex, for example, in return. Instead of pressuring you with his expectations, he'll give you reasons to trust him.

Although the points made above may seem obvious, it's very easy to neglect applying them to our own lives. It's difficult to let go of someone we appreciate, even if they don't appreciate us. Yet, if both people can't appreciate each other, they aren't a good match. Thus, if he doesn't appreciate you, let go of him and find someone who does.

Allowing Yourself To Be Loved

You finally meet someone who you really like. Someone who's patient, considerate, selfless and who gives you a lot of attention. Yet, you've been hurt so many times that you can't help but worry that this person will hurt you too. While you're happy and you know it, you can't seem to allow yourself to accept the love.

It's difficult to trust after you've had so many negative experiences. You've become so "used to" having your trust breached, your heart crushed, feeling misunderstood and being played that when you do find someone special, you over-analyze things. You're always on alert, taking things personal and questioning his intentions.

This person understands you and treats you well. However, you feel uncomfortable with accepting his kindness.Your mind is telling you that he's playing games. But your heart enjoys every minute of his kindness. He knows how to make you feel loved and lovable. When he holds you, you don't want the moment to end. When he listens to you, you feel heard. When he looks at you, you feel noticed. The more time you spend together, the more connected you feel.

The pain lingers. You're ready to fight, when all you need to do is allow yourself to be loved. But in order to be loved you must let go of the past, not through denial but through hard work. In a way, when you've been hurt so often, you're better prepared to be hurt yet again than to be loved. With time, the pain becomes just another part of your identity. Love, that's unknown territory to you. It causes you to be anxious, confused and even empty. Now that you're not in battle mode, your mind is at rest. And with your mind at rest, your past comes crashing down on you. Your anger and resentment melt away in tears of sadness. Anger and resentment is a cover-up for pain. So now you're happy with this special person but you're also sad.

When dating has turned you into a fighter, you may even want to fight love itself. But fighting is not the answer. Letting go is. You must let go of the negative thoughts and memories. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. In fact, remembering the important lessons of your negative experiences is what makes you strong. Remind yourself that you overcame them and you can make it through future struggles. When you can let go of the past, you'll have more energy to focus on the present. The present is good, you're with someone who makes you happy.

Love will happen. Choosing to reject it is denying yourself a basic human need. Let the tears out and let them wash away your pain. Deal with the pain in a healthy manner-talk to others, sing, dance, etc. And give love a chance. Love is kind. Love is patient. Love heals.

9 Telling Signs That He's Committed To You

1. He aims to be the best man he can be.

It's not easy to change one's behaviors and habits. But if a guy can envision being with you in the long run, he'll want to be the best he can be to give you reason to commit to him and to make you happy. This doesn't mean that he has to change. It just means that as everyone can improve on certain character traits, he'll be inspired to do so.

2. He talks to you every day or almost every day.

If a guy is truly committed to you, he'll want to find out everything about you. He'll be interested in your opinions on various topics and will want to engage in conversation with you often.

3. He respects your boundaries and doesn't pressure you into sex.

If he's committed to you, he won't see a need to rush into anything. When a guy wants to use you for something, like sex, he'll move on quickly, if you don't give in. Also, if he's committed to you he'll want to have sex with you. Whereas, if he's not committed to you, he won't care very much whom he has sex with, making it all the more easy to move on with someone who'll have sex with him. A guy who's committed will respect you for having enough self-respect to stick by your values/boundaries.

4. Your feelings matter to him.

If he's committed, he won't ignore you or try to change the subject when you express your feelings to him. He'll make you feel comfortable with openly expressing your feelings. If he can "read" your emotions he gets a bonus!

5. He's not afraid to tell you and show you how much he loves you.

If he's committed to you, he'll pronounce the "L" word loud and clear. Affection is very important in a healthy committed relationship. There are many different ways a guy can show you he loves you. It all depends on his and your personality and on what you both like. For example, if he's the romantic type and you love flowers, he might opt to send you flowers.

6. He keeps his word.

If he keeps his promises, big and small, it's a good sign that when he says he sees a future with you, he means it. Also, keeping his promises will be his way of showing to you that you can trust him, which is a requirement for a committed relationship to last.

7. He compliments you on your physical and non-physical attributes.

While it feels nice to be complimented on your looks by the guy you are dating, a guy who's committed to you will go a step further and compliment you on your amazing qualities. It's one thing for a guy to want to sleep with a woman who's sexually appealing. But it's a whole other thing for a guy to see a kind woman as the future mother of his children.

8. He shows you off to everybody.

A guy who is committed to you will want everyone to know that you two are together for two reasons. One, he wants other guys to know that you're taken. Two, he's very appreciative and proud to have someone as special as you in his life.

9. He talks about a future with you.

It's important to note that just because a guy says he wants to marry you, it doesn't mean you should take it face value. Guys can say a lot of things to get in your pants (yes, even promise marriage). But if he consistently talks about how many kids he wants to have with you, where your kids will go to school, what your future home will look like, etc., that's a good sign that he's in it for the long run.

Some of the above signs hold more value than others. It's not necessary for a guy to show all of the above signs to demonstrate his commitment. But the more (including signs that aren't mentioned above), the better!

Can You Change A Man?

No. You can only motivate him to do so.

It's a huge and common mistake to think that a woman can change a man. Yet, you can only motivate him to change on his own. And even if a guy takes it upon himself to change, he'll only change so much. That is, certain behaviors and character traits stick with us forever. So, if you are planning to turn a man into your next project, make sure to only focus on those aspects where change is possible.

You may wonder what character traits can I and can't I change in a man? This is a complicated question and it's answer varies according to the individual. But I'll tell you this: if he's always cheating on you, despite how many times you've caught him, he most likely won't stop. Yet, something that he can improve on is his listening skills.

Remember, if he doesn't care about your feelings, he doesn't care about you. If he doesn't care about you, he won't see a reason to commit to you. If he does tell you he cares about you, have him show it on a consistent basis. For you this might mean calling you daily. Whatever it is, make sure his actions back up his words. A guy who truly cares about you, will do whatever it takes to make you happy. He'll want to work on himself to be the best man that he can be. If he cares about you, he'll put in the effort to maintain a healthy relationship with you. This doesn't include avoiding confrontation at all costs. I've had guys ignore my texts and end conversations, as soon as I brought up something hurtful they did/said or something they do that bothers me. Another way men try to avoid confrontation is by telling you something only because they think you want to hear it... Obviously, these guys don't care (despite the claims of one of these men I was dating that he does care about me!). If he truly cares about you, he'll keep on doing the things you like and work on what you don't.

Things can get very tricky when it comes to sex. It's not uncommon that a girl isn't on the same page sexually with the guy she's dating. This can only be resolved through communication. But the point I'm trying to make here is that there's a myth that a woman can get a man to commit through sex. If only she makes sure the sex is amazing or if she messes with his head, sometimes making herself seem interested in him and sometimes not, in hopes of making him desire her more. Or...let's not even go there. If a man only ever invites you for sex, it's very unlikely that it'll ever become something more. Girl, he has your contact info. If he wants to tell you how much he loves you, he knows where to reach you.

Don't convince yourself that you can mold him into the man you want him to be. If he trusts you he'll let you help him be a better man. But let him take the initiative. 

On Learning To Validate My Emotions

Don’t you just hate it when a guy tells you that you’re “over-reacting” or “too emotional” and “you just have to relax”? These words make me feel misunderstood and frustrated. Thing is, we don’t owe an explanation to anyone on why we feel the way we feel. And considering the importance of communication in any sort of relationship, no guy should criticize you for expressing your emotions.

I’m not a confrontational person or the type that gets upset often over trivial matters and it’s frustrating to constantly have my emotions put on trial. Recently, I’ve experienced this on a whole new level with a guy I trusted. I’ll call him “Z”. I met Z, a tourist, at a place I’ve been frequenting for several years now and where I’ve always felt safe. At the end of the night, when I found out that Z was staying in my neighborhood, we decided to walk back together to our respective homes. I had to walk because it was Shabbat and I’m not allowed to take transportation during Shabbat. I thought that I would be safer walking the long walk home, at such a late hour, with someone else but I was wrong. Z and I were passing by a big park (the scariest part of my walk), deep in conversation, when out of nowhere and I mean NOWHERE, he gets close to me and kisses me in a way that made me feel violated. I felt that the way he went about the kiss and his intentions were misplaced (it was very late, I barely knew him, I was alone with him, we weren’t on a date/never dated, etc.). I was shocked by the kiss, as I didn’t sense any sort of attraction/chemistry between us. What makes the kiss even more disrespectful is that this guy barely knows anything about me-what if I have a boyfriend, what if I’m celibate, what if I’m a lesbian…  

I felt very betrayed that someone I trusted could turn on me like that and I told him that what he did was not ok. He tried to defend himself but the more he spoke, the worse I felt. He was telling me that he thought he was helping me live in the moment, by kissing me and he was telling me to “relax”, as he kept trying to kiss me. Z blamed me, telling me that he got signals from me and so I apologized. But in thinking about it, I knew that I was NOT in the wrong. Also, right before we parted ways, Z told me not to tell anyone, which made the situation creepier. If I did indeed keep what happened to myself and repressed my emotions, it would’ve only given him control in deciding how I dealt with my emotions.

As I was trying to make sense of the experience, I found myself questioning my emotions. I was telling myself those dreadful things that guys have told me in the past: “you’re over-reacting”, “you’re too emotional”. In doing this, I was being unfair to myself. There’s nothing rational about emotions and there’s nothing wrong with that. That is, even if I don’t fully understand why I felt the way I felt when Z kissed me, it doesn’t make the way I feel any less normal. Because it doesn’t matter what others think about this situation, what matters is how I, the one who experienced it feels about it. And EVEN IF I was overly emotional, my feelings are still valid. I don’t need to defend my feelings to anyone, or to myself for that matter.

Ladies, NEVER allow a guy to decide how u “should” feel. Accept the way you feel because whatever you feel is valid; don’t ever believe anyone who tells you otherwise. This doesn’t meant that you can express yourself in any way you please (violence is never appropriate, for example) or that you should let your emotions affect your life in a negative way. Keep in mind that emotions are very powerful so don’t work against them, as that will only lead to trouble, sooner or later. And do you really want to be with a guy who tells you that when you’re less emotional, he’ll be willing to talk to you (true story)? We deserve better. We deserve to be with a guy who respects us and our emotions and seeks to make us feel better, instead of criticizing us for feeling the way we feel.

Men Tell All: Do Looks Really Matter?

As requested, I asked men to tell me what's the number one thing that attracts them to a woman. I told them that their answer can involve something physical or something non-physical. I was curious to see how much physical appearance matters to men, when it comes to dating. Here is what men said:

Her looks/body
Three men said that the first thing that attracts them to a woman is her looks/body. The body parts of a woman most attractive to men can be divided into two major categories: their breasts and their bum. One of the men I interviewed clarified why he (and perhaps many other men) focus on these particular body parts. He said that for him, looking at a woman's breasts and bum, causes him to fantasize about making love to her. Yet, another man explained to me that while the first thing that attracts him to a woman is her physical beauty, the spark that this can initially create cannot be maintained by this alone. In the long run, the most attractive qualities to him are knowledge/intelligence, wit and creativity. Similarly, another man said that the quickest way for him to be attracted to a woman is her looks but interestingly enough he did not find the people he had the strongest feelings for very attractive. As long as a guy doesn't make obnoxious comments about your breasts or bum, I say embrace these body parts that make you sensual and feminine. If you are trying to attract some cute guy, don't be shy to wear some nice jeans that emphasize your bum, for example. Of course, this should not be the only thing that you emphasize if you want a serious relationship. Also, you don't have to make an effort to attract any attention to your body, if you are uncomfortable doing so, even if many men are visual. Just know that if you do make an effort, it should be because of a choice YOU made and embrace.

Her face 
Two men told me that it's important to them that the woman they are with has a pretty face. While a woman's body can go through drastic changes, through diet and exercise for example, a woman's face remains more or less the same over the years (considering no dramatic plastic surgery was done). And this is why one man told me that the number one thing he finds attractive in a woman is her face. The other man agreed that a woman can be super fit but without an attractive face he won't be attracted to her. In fact, he rather go out with a chubby girl with an attractive face than a fit girl with an unattractive face. It's important to him that he likes the woman's face because that's what he's going to be waking up to. He couldn't do so with a girl who's face he doesn't like. This makes sense, as a person's face is normally the first thing someone notices and so it plays an important role in attraction.

Her personality
Six men brought up a woman's personality in relation to attraction. One man said "For me it's 80% not physical." To him, humbleness is attractive. Her body language, behavior and the way she smiles/laughs matters too. Another man I interviewed explained to me why a woman's laugh is the most attractive trait to him. He said that people's laughs give him insight into their personality. For example, a softer, higher pitched laugh indicates shyness to him. This man said that he prefers laughs that indicate a confident and outgoing personality. Someone else I interviewed also said that confidence/self-assurance is the most attractive trait in a woman and it comes across through her personality and the way she carries herself. An open-minded woman, who doesn't play games, loves to talk about a range of topics and who's not afraid to speak her mind was also described as attractive. Finally, I was also told that the most appealing thing in a woman is a nurturing character, as it's at the core of femininity and a  nice contrast to a typical man's ruggedness. Despite the different preferences in personality, in order to bond with a partner, a man will have to be able to get along with her/him. Thus, it's important that a man put some focus on the other person's personality and not just the way she/he looks.

So ladies, personality overwhelmingly wins! Plus, the men who said that looks is the first thing they notice, don't necessarily ignore the importance of personality.

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Thanks to the following men for their participation in this article (their initials): BH, BI, DL, JB, JH, ML, MS, MZ, QH, YB   

Men Tell All: Signs That A Guy Likes You

As requested, I asked men to give me tips on how a girl can know that a guy is interested in her. Here is what they said:

It’s complicated. Love is not straightforward and so it’s not always easy to tell that a guy is interested in you. Guys don’t always know how to express their interest in a girl and the reasons vary: nervousness, fear of rejection, shyness, feeling that they are not good enough for the girl, etc. Fear of rejection keeps many men from pursuing a love interest. It’s easy to think that guys are supposed to be “the man” in the situation and ask the girl out, without fearing rejection. But men are humans too and just like girls they don’t want to face the consequences of being rejected. Also, a guy’s actions might contradict what you expect from a guy that’s into you. For example: while some guys will engage in conversation with you, other guys might avoid you or act weird around you. Similarly, while some men will waste no time in asking you out, other men will take some time. Love makes us act in strange ways. So don’t jump to conclusions! Be patient and time will tell…

Verbal Communication. A guy who is interested in you will engage in conversation with you and ask follow-up questions, as to keep the conversation flowing and smooth. He will ask you for your opinions on things, about yourself, what your interests are and will listen to what you have to say.

Non-verbal communication. Body language is a non-verbal way for a guy to show interest in you. For example, he acts nervous and shy around you. Or, he acts differently around you than he does around his friends. Also, a guy who is interested in you will try and steal glances of you. He’ll touch you occasionally in a friendly, non-invasive way, which is a way of telling you he wants to be close to you. In fact, it may be hard for some guys to verbally express their feelings to you and so they might gently reach for your hand instead, while you happen to be engaged in a nice conversation.  

He puts in a lot of time and energy to show you he cares about you. The guy makes an effort to spend time with you and cherishes the moments you share.  If he doesn’t put in the time then he’s just not that into you. If he’s interested in you, he’ll concern himself with your needs, even placing yours before his and he’ll treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve. While many girls are attracted to bad or “bad” boys, myself included, a guy who likes you will be nice to you.   

He makes an effort to get along with your friends. Good friends have each other’s backs and it’s important in any healthy relationship that your partner gets along with your friends. When a girl really likes a guy she normally wants her friends to like him too. This means that a guy who is interested in you will try and get the thumbs up from your friends. If your friends like him, they will support your relationship with him. If he is really nice to your friends he is probably really into you.

He tries to impress you. Not only will he show you off to everybody (even if this means introducing you as a friend for the time being), he will also try to impress you. Yes, he might want to impress you with how successful he is in life but also with things that emphasize his caring and nurturing character. This includes telling you about all his volunteer experiences and how much he loves kids. Further, simple acts of kindness can go a long way. For example, always making himself available to help you with whatever you need.  Another way of impressing you would be through humor. Many women find humor to be very attractive. A guy who is truly interested in you will want to do whatever he can to make you happy! 

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Thanks to the following men for their participation in this article (their initials): B-H, BI, DR, JB, MC, MS, MZ, NC, QH, YB

5 Tell-Tale Signs That The Guy You Are Dating Is Into You

1.  You speak on a weekly basis. A guy who cares about you will want to know how you are doing on a regular basis. This means that you both talk about what is happening in your respective lives and ask the other person about his/her’s. Your partner texting you once in a blue moon is not enough. If that is the case, he probably just sees you as some girl he can hook up with. Basically, meaningful conversations between you and your partner and weekly updates on your lives are very important in a committed relationship.
2. He compliments you and tells you he loves you. Now, I don’t mean over-complimenting you but he should be giving you compliments, both on physical and non-physical attributes. A guy who is both attracted to you physically and emotionally is a guy who is interested in you. Of course, telling you “I love you” regularly shows how much he thinks of you.
3. He doesn’t lie to you and keeps his word. When a guy doesn’t feel comfortable enough to tell you the truth or simply couldn’t care less, it says a lot about how he feels about you. In an open and genuine relationship, proper communication is made possible. As for keeping his word, this one is especially important to me. Not only does it say a lot about his character but it also says a lot about how much he cherishes you. A guy who makes many promises but doesn’t keep them and consistently lets you down, is a guy who doesn’t care enough about you.
4. He listens to you and respects your needs. When you bring up a problem in the relationship to the guy, he listens and works with you on fixing it. When a guy brushes you off, telling you he doesn’t want to talk about “feelings” or gets mad at you for always bringing up problems, he is the problem, not you. It is also important that the guy respects your boundaries and doesn’t try to pressure you into anything. As being in a relationship is hard work and involves a lot of communication, both partners must be willing to put in the effort. Otherwise, the relationship is likely to fail.
5. He is patient and kind to you. A guy who is patient is a guy who sticks by your side when you are in a bad mood and tries to lift your spirits, with a nice massage, a hug, a movie, or whatever it takes.  He doesn’t start a fight with you over the smallest of things. Two wrongs don’t make a right and so trying to get back at you, instead of talking things through is not the right approach to take. Kindness too is important, as it demonstrates the guy’s respect for you and your happiness.

There are many ways that a guy can express his love for you. The ones mentioned in this article are some important ones.

On Learning To Say “No”

I think saying “no” to a guy is the hardest thing for me in a relationship. I don’t like conflict and I try to avoid it, even when I have a price to pay. Further, I tend to put my partner’s needs before mine to keep him satisfied. I convince myself that I “want” what he wants and that I “should” do it, although I feel extremely uncomfortable. It’s happened several times to me where a guy tries to have sex with me and I just sort of go along with it. While my mind is screaming “no” my lips remain shut and my body goes along with the motions….It’s very hard to explain, let alone make sense of it myself. What really upsets me is how some of these guys are unable to read my body language or simply ignore it. When a guy sees that I’m acting nervous or uncomfortable then they should ask me why this is so or back off. Instead, my silence is taken as a green light by the guy. Despite all this, I would say that I’m generally a pretty assertive person and I always speak my mind. So it’s all the more strange that I end up in these sort of situations too often. I struggle between being assertive and being that person that avoids conflict.

While I don’t want to cause conflict between my partner and I, I’ve learned that one must take care of his/her own needs, even if this may cause others to be unhappy. Not only do we owe it to ourselves to take care of our own needs, we also owe it to our partner.  If our needs are not met then eventually the relationship will deteriorate, as we will be unhappy. Additionally, if our partner really cared about us, he/she would appreciate that we have the self-worth to take care of our needs and will be inclined to satisfy them too. Someone who doesn’t bother with our needs, is someone who doesn’t care about us. Even if the relationship is casual, our partner should have our needs, even if only physical, in mind. For example, if our partner is only concerned about his/her own pleasure during sex, than he/she is being selfish and we deserve better than being with a selfish person! I mean, telling our partner that our needs are not being met, might lead him/her to act upon them. But if our partner remains selfish then it’s probably best to move on.

Basically, we must communicate with our partner in order to be able to satisfy each other’s needs. If communication doesn’t help then it shows a lack of concern for the dignity and care of the other person. If our partner doesn’t care, it’s best to be dignified and move on. 

How To Stop Attracting Players

Do you feel like your destiny is to attract players? And do you want to change that? Well, in the following piece you will find some tips on how to do that.

It is important to understand that you cannot change the behavior of others, without the person's will to do so. In other words, if you thought of changing him, don't even bother, unless he acknowledges that he needs to change. Now that we got that out of the way, let's return to the question of how to stop attracting players...

1) When you are first getting to know a guy that is a potential date, be sure to ask him what he is looking for in a partner. Now, this does not need to be awkward if you don't make it awkward. Just ask him straight up if he is looking for something strictly casual (sex only), casual dating (non-committed dating) or marriage. Based on this answer alone, you can already know to swipe left or right. This is an important question to ask because it can keep you from hooking up with guys who you thought were gonna want a relationship but actually just want to sleep with you.

2) Be careful with how you present yourself to guys when you first get to know them. While you should always be yourself, be careful about the things you tell him. Perhaps sexting with a cute stranger you just met is not a great idea. Given the way the male brain is designed, while us women might only intend to flirt by sending sexy messages, men can interpret it as an invitation to sex. If you are only looking to have sex then that's fine but if you are looking for something more, make him earn those sexy messages, with good behavior ;) Players look out for women who they can get in bed quickly, so if you are sending sexy messages right away and presenting yourself as easy, even though it is not the case, players will flock around you and you don't want that....

3) Know your boundaries and stick to them. If a guy disrespects your boundaries, move on, he is not worth it. Guys must know that you respect yourself and that you expect them to respect you, or else, you are giving an opening for these players to come into your life, get what they want from you (sex) and leave you once they got it once they are ready to move on. Don't let his sweet charms and good looks fool you, he is just playing you to get what HE wants and this may not be what you want!

In following these simple steps CONSISTENTLY you can make a huge difference in your dating life. A key ingredient to a healthy relationship is communication. Tell him what your expectations are and stick to your values. It's only you who decides what you deserve!

COMMENTS ARE WELOCOME :)

Why I Always Attract Players And How I Deal With It

I have a very special gift…attracting players. I know what you are probably thinking: that’s the kind of guy I’m into, or I just try to “fix” these guys and end up getting hurt or worse, that I must have low self-esteem to think I can’t do better. But that’s not the reality. The reality is I just always seem to end up in messy situations with guys (we’ll get to that eventually). And normally I terminate things with players early into the relationship but there is still the residual pain.

I will admit that there is something appealing about players but is it too much to ask for a guy who is charming, cute and respectful of me? Like just because I am not looking for a serious relationship, it doesn’t mean that I am saying yes to being mistreated! I’ve come to a point in my life, where at 23 years old, I’m used to crossing paths with these guys to the point where my view of men is skewed. Yet I try to stay positive and remind myself that from every situation we come out of, there is something we can learn. Yes, it’s hard to remember that when you are pitying yourself for attracting yet another jerk but you must move on for your well-being.  

So here are some of the things I have learnt so far:

•  I am not attracting the wrong type of guy, but the wrong guys within my type. The difference lies in the individual guy, rather than the “category” of guy. That is, if one was to divide different personality types into categories, “charming/flirtatious” would be the title of one of these. Yes, I am saying that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to this category of guys. The problem lies with SOME of the guys within the “charming/flirtatious” category, who are players. And the players are the guys who play with your head and/or heart and who don’t respect your needs and boundaries. Basically, you can still find the traits that consistently attracts you in these jerks, but in guys who respect you and cherish you. So think to yourself, what do I like about these guys? Whether it’s their charm, their confidence, their adventurousness, etc. just find it in guys who use these traits in a positive way!

• Not to show players how much they have hurt you. This will only cause them to think that you are too emotional, too dramatic and they might tell you the much hated “calm down, you are overreacting”. Players don’t want to invest in your emotions (or in their own for that matter). Instead, call someone you trust and let your emotions flow with them, they can give you the support and respect you deserve, not these jerks. What you should do is ignore these guys or keep them in your life without getting close. I for one am straightforward so I call guys out when they have wronged me, but I keep it brief and focus on moving on. What you choose to do really depends on the specific situation and on your personality/what you can manage. Here are two things that might happen: the players will either be more interested in you or they’ll just leave you alone and move on too. But please do not attempt to change these guys…It is not your job!

NEXT UP: how to avoid attracting players in the first place...