Open Letter To All The Nice Guys

Nice guys,

Please quit complaining that girls always reject you because “you’re too nice”. First of all, I have yet to meet a man who is too nice. Second of all, you should always treat people with kindness. Now that we got that out of the way, I just wanted to say that if a woman tells you “you’re too nice” she could mean one of the following: “You’re so nice but I wish you took more initiative and had more of a backbone”. Let’s face it gentlemen, most women in a heterosexual relationship (I can’t speak for anything other than that) want to feel pursued, desired and needed. She’s telling you you’re not making her feel those things. She might also mean “You’re so nice but I don’t feel like you can handle me”. Women (such as myself) crave a man who can take us as we are, strong-willed, opinionated, feisty and all. You can’t tames us if you won’t even hurt a fly. Lastly, this phrase might mean “You’re so nice but boring”. Harsh but this means something is missing. Maybe she doesn’t feel the spark,tension, or excitement. And if she doesn’t feel that “special connection” in the beginning she won’t be enticed to get involved with you.

Take those “you’re too nice words” as a learning experience or leave it as it is and find someone who doesn’t think you’re too nice. But absolutely don’t think the solution is to turn into a jerk. Some women go for jerks not because they love to be mistreated (at least most women don’t) but because they’re attracted to something those jerks offer them that you’re not. Show her different sides to you. Find out how to talk to her in a way that she responds to. The greatest sex organ in a woman is her mind. Stimulate her with your words, kindness and passion. Remember, most women aren’t satisfied with the jerks in the long run because of their hurtful words and unkind ways. Learn from the jerks. Use their skill of keeping a woman enticed with you’re kind heart and you make for the perfect catch.

Remember, nice guys win in the end. Ultimately, women want the nice guy to marry them and raise a family with. But yes, too much of anything is never good, including niceness. Did you ever consider that maybe deep down inside the woman who told you you’re too nice wishes you would just tweak things a bit here and there? Maybe she tells herself “he’s so nice but if only...”. I’m not saying that you should change yourself (unless, you’re a jerk). Just change the way you make her feel. Give her reason to believe you can be a good friend and an even greater partner. Pay attention to what she looks for in a man specifically (don’t tell me “jerks”) and decide whether or not you can offer her that. 

Disclaimer: There’s also a possibility that the woman who told you you’re too nice made up her mind and will never see you as more than friends. Yet, it’s not always the case! So take that phrase as a challenge upon yourself to change the way that woman sees you. If it’s too late/doesn’t happen, there’s always next time. Winners have a winners mindset and losers a losers mindset. It all comes down to what you make of it. Are you going to start walking around with a losers “I’m too nice” mindset or “let me see what I can do to get a different outcome” winner’s mindset? I suggest that all you nice guys out there stop complaining about your difficulties in dating because you’re “too nice” and do something about your situation. Most importantly, do the world a favour and stay nice.

On Being A "Strong" Man

I'm a strong woman. Experiences made me strong. Having gone through many difficult things, I learned to be more assertive and I have a much clearer picture of what I want in a partner. Considering that I'm a strong woman, I need to be with a strong man. Problem is, society tells men that they must always  keep their feelings to themselves and I find it very important to be with someone who expresses his emotions. Open communication is very important in a relationship. Thus, men should be encouraged to express their feelings. However, for them to be encouraged to do so, the following misconceptions of what it means to be a strong man must be addressed.

Being emotional means you aren't strong. On the contrary, being able to express your emotions, despite being bombarded with messages that only "girly" or "cowardly" men do so, makes you brave. When you hold back emotions from your female partner, she might become more emotional, as you're not giving her the affection she desires. It might also cause her to question your interest in her.

Real men don't express emotions. Girls express emotions because they're human and they're taught to do so. Men are humans with emotions too so society should encourage them to express their emotions as well. Additionally, what makes you a man is not about how well you can keep your emotions to yourself. Instead, it has to do with how you treat and make the women in your life feel, among other things. Keeping your feelings to yourself only creates a distance and a lack of trust between you and your partner. "Sharing is caring". You and your partner should create a safe space, where both of you can engage in authentic interactions, without being judged.

You won't be able to handle a strong woman, if you aren't super strong. I as a strong woman want to be with someone who's affectionate, caring, nurturing and empathetic. It's only human to want these things from someone who you care about. Strong, independent women, who don't need a man to take care of them, want to be held and comforted at times. We want a man who will break down our invisible walls and connect with us on a deep emotional level. You might have walls up too but here's where you can truly be strong by taking the initiative to break the barriers that's keeping you and your partner in a state of hurt and fear.

Whether you're a man or a woman, having emotions is human. Expressing them is too. Repressing your emotions for fear of being judged, won't work out in the long run. As a man, overcoming that fear is what makes you strong. Being emotional may not come naturally to you, as a strong man. However, many important things take hard work. And keep in mind that most women appreciate men who express their emotions.

Six Things Men Must Not Do To The Woman They're Dating

Following are some things that men shouldn't do to the woman they're dating and the reasons why.

1. Don't ignore her texts. Texting allows you to multi-task, so as busy as you may be, you can definitely find a moment to answer her text. If you really can't, tell her you'll have to get back to her later. Ignoring her texts will make her feel anxious and annoyed.

2. Don't tell her she's overreacting. Telling a woman she needs to calm down is a terrible thing. It's completely normal for a woman to become emotional about things. Keep in mind that men and women are designed differently. Women tend to be more emotional than men. Try to be empathetic with her and provide her with a safe space to express herself, without making her feel she's crazy. So if she gets upset with you, try to see things from her perspective. If you keep on blowing her off when she talks about feelings, things will most likely not end well.

3. Don't pretend everything's ok when it's really not. If there's something that's bothering you, let your partner know. Be upfront. For example, if you're looking to be serious with someone who's secular but the woman you're dating is religious, let her know. She deserves to know. Letting her fall for you, when you don't see yourself with her is unfair. Also, the shock when you do eventually tell her that you no longer want to date her makes things even more painful.

4. Don't be vague about your intentions. Ask her what she's looking for and see if it aligns with what you're looking for. If it doesn't discuss it with her and see if it's worth continuing seeing each other. This conversation is best to have early on to avoid one/both partners investing time/energy in something that will end in pain. For example, if you're just looking for something casual don't pretend that you're looking for a long-term relationship.

5. Don't make promises you can't keep. Honesty is very important in a relationship. Honesty in a relationship allows for mutual trust. When you lie, you risk losing your partner's trust. Both parties in a relationship should feel comfortable with being honest with one another. If not, there won't be proper communication, which can lead to a lot of future problems. So don't try to impress the woman you're dating with a lot of lies to make yourself look good. While it may be a short-term solution to keep her interested, it will likely work against you in the long run.

6. Don't give her mixed signals. Giving a woman mixed signals is selfish and unjustifiable. Just because you can't make up your mind about whether or not you like her, doesn't mean that you have to confuse her too! Playing mind games with her isn't nice. Don't flirt with a woman sometimes and then ignore her other times. Or, don't keep telling her you want to see her but then cancel your dates.

Women Tell All: What Women Love In A Man And What They Hate

Listen closely men because in the following article I will tell you what women told me they love most and what they hate most that a guy does in the early stages of dating/when getting to know him.

Women love it when you...

Respect her. Respect her boundaries, treat her with dignity and don’t objectify her. For example, don’t pressure her into sex. Also, respect her needs. So, if she needs some space give it to her.

Have good/intellectual conversation with her. Keep her intrigued by showing her that you are intelligent and knowledgeable. Be sure to find out what she likes and dislikes. Listening to her and asking questions will show her you care about what she has to say. It’s important that you respect her opinions and beliefs, which will make her feel accepted by you. Also, be open and make her laugh to put her at ease. Remember, you should both be taking the role of talker and listener.

Pay close attention to the little details. While it’s important to remember the most important things about a woman, it’s especially sweet when a guy remembers the little details. One woman for example told me that she told a guy that she likes white chocolate and so on their next date he brought her white chocolate. How romantic!

Are able to admit that you don’t know something. You don’t have to be a know-it-all to win her heart. In fact, you don’t want to come off as arrogant. It doesn’t make you less of a man to admit that you don’t know something. On the contrary, humility is a very attractive trait.

Text her/call her a lot. But don’t overdo it. Perhaps, a couple of texts throughout the day or even one call a day. This will make her feel that you are thinking about her a lot and that you two are getting closer. Make sure you call her several times throughout the week, as speaking on the phone is more meaningful than texting.

Are direct. Being direct tells a woman that you are transparent, which is very important in a caring and trusting relationship. If there is a problem in the relationship, you want there to be a safe space for your partner to bring it up to you.

Are yourself. Be honest and don’t be afraid to show your true colors.

Are generous. You don’t have to go over the top but there is nothing wrong with spending your money on a woman you really care about!

Are a gentleman. Only some women really appreciate romantic gestures but all want to feel special and loved. So make an effort to make her feel that way. Bring her flowers and/or chocolate, open the door for her, etc. Little things go a long way…

Are flirtatious. Chemistry is very important. Good conversation is not enough. Flirt with her and make her feel beautiful and desired. Show her that you want to be more than just friends…

Are spontaneous. A good way to get a woman’s attention is by being spontaneous. In the beginning when you are dating a woman consider doing something spontaneous. Find out what activities she likes and see if you can come up with a cool date. For example, instead of the standard coffee or drinks, maybe go bowling or to a dance class.

 Women hate it when you…

Play games. If you like her, tell her. Simple as that. It’s cruel to keep her guessing with your mixed messages. Calling a woman all the time, joking with her constantly and spending a lot of time alone with her, is the behavior of a guy who is interested in her. So don’t tell her you just want to be friends when you do all those things. It’s unfair to mislead someone and it’s hurtful. While it’s possible for a man and a woman to be friends, there is a pretty clear line that must not be crossed. One of the women I interviewed told me about this guy who does all the above mentioned things to her and even wrote a song about a girl that seemed to be her and sent it to her. Yet, he said that the song isn’t about her. In the meantime, this woman has feelings for this guy and he keeps on doing things that make her hope that something more than a friendship can develop.

Are not direct. Again, talk about what kind of relationship you are looking for. That is, don’t tell her that you want a serious relationship, when all you really want is to sleep with her. Tell her what you expect from her and ask her what she expects from you. Also, don’t spring important information on her well into the relationship. For example, if you have children let her know right away.  Basically, if you like her tell her, if you don’t, tell her too (or at least if she seems to be getting the wrong message). If you just want to be friends with her tell her.

Are not yourself. Be honest with the woman you are dating right from the get-go. Don’t embellish things about yourself such as how much money you make, how fit you are, etc. Honesty is the best policy. If you lie, it’ll catch up with you sooner or later. Also, you deserve to be with a woman who accepts you for who you are and she deserves the same. Further, don’t pretend to be somebody you aren’t, by either lying that you love what she loves, or telling a woman what you think she wants to hear, just to get another date with her or just to sleep with her.

Talk about yourself too much. Remember, communication involves more than one person talking. Show her that you are interested in her by showing eagerness (not too much too soon, though) to get to know her.

Talk about other women. It’s okay to talk about your female family members but don’t talk about them or other women obsessively. Doing this might make a woman feel less worthy and self-conscious. Focus all of your attention on the woman you are with.

Are clingy/possessive. Don’t text her too much, as to not overwhelm her or look desperate, which is unattractive. Show her that you are not her entire world, although an important part of it. That is, don’t ask her to hang out all the time. It is also important that you let her hang out with her friends and do things without you. In a healthy relationship, you need to give your partner space and it’s important that each partner has an identity outside of the relationship.

Stop calling them and texting them after the first few days or weeks, only to hear from you again later. Be consistent-call and text her on an ongoing basis (within reason, as to not be too clingy/possessive). Also, don’t make her wait FOREVER for your text after a date went well. After a date, you have two days to text her. Best thing is to text her/call her the same day that you went on a date and tell her how much you enjoyed her company, and that you would like to see her again soon, if that is the case. And make sure to follow through. If you are not interested, let her know or completely stop contacting her but don’t text her every couple of weeks.

So, men (and women) what do you think?

Thanks to the following women for their participation in this article (their initials): AR, BC, CM, DD, EC, EG, HD, JG, SH, VL, ZG