Learning To Trust Again With A Broken Heart

When you break your arm by slipping on the ice, you put a cast on it and let it heal. You become more careful on the ice but you don't avoid it altogether, as you need to get to places. However, there is no cast for a broken heart. And finding the courage to get back to dating after having your heart broken is way harder than finding the courage to go back onto the ice after having slipped and broken your arm.

Healing love wounds takes time. The way one heals depends on the person. While humans have a strong desire to be with someone, it's not easy to put ourselves out there, especially after negative dating experiences. That is, when we always seem to be attracting players, it's easy to generalize that all men are players and give up on finding a nice guy who's not a player.

In order to avoid/get out of this stage of exasperation, we must take care of our emotional health and channel our exasperation into positive change. Taking care of our emotional health requires facing the pain brought upon us by our emotions and reflect on it. If you move on from a relationship, without taking the time to reflect, you will likely make the same mistakes again. For example, if you find yourself constantly ending up with women who only want to be with you for your money, reflecting on your past relationships will help you spot gold-diggers more easily. While reflection isn't a full-proof method for avoiding getting your heart broken, it decreases the likelihood of recurrence.

It's important to get back on one's feet, after a broken heart. But in order to properly do so one must heal one's love wounds by releasing our negative emotions. Simply moving on doesn't allow us to recharge and  get into a new relationship with a positive attitude. Instead, it makes us bring our trust issues with us. In order to trust again while also reducing the risk of another broken heart, we must reflect, release and recharge.

Love Should Not Be Blind

One day I was notified on facebook that a guy who I'll call "D" accepted my friend request. I don't know this guy and figured that I must have accidentally added him. Nevertheless, I was intrigued by his facebook profile picture. So I decided to check out his profile. When I saw his pictures I was in awe. I thought to myself that this is my ideal guy...physically, of course. I felt this excitement that I haven't felt in a while. I messaged him and we quickly got to talking, when the conversation turned sour. He basically told me that if I want him to like me, I must send him a naked picture of myself. I felt disappointed and disgusted. I told him no and we pretty much stopped speaking after that. Although I was still tempted to message him I knew that it would be a bad idea so I didn't.

I thought about why I was tempted to message a guy who treated me with such disrespect and realized that it was due to my loneliness. That was confirmed when talking to other guys made me less preoccupied with D. While lacking that special someone left me with a void, I knew that it wasn't a good reason for me to get involved with someone like D. Sometimes a guy/girl can be "perfect" minus this one big fault. You might have a great connection with a guy but if he almost never invests his time in you, is he really worth dating? Well, depends on your needs. For example, if you want to be with him for him (and not his money) than perhaps you won't be happy with him. It's important to recognize that everyone has faults. But it's also important to not ignore things about him/her that really bother you. I had to be realistic and tell myself that D and I are looking for very different kinds of relationships.

Many of us, including myself, ignore things about our partner that really bother us from the get-go, only to have these issues resurface later on. That is, we become blinded by love. But we shouldn't. Doing so will lead us to regret later on. We must not lose sight of our reasonable expectations and values. Be mindful of who you give your heart to. Meeting D was an opportunity to prove to myself that I'm capable of putting infatuation aside and make the conscious decision to stay away from an appealing guy who I know is not right for me. Face the problems and decide if they are reconcilable. If they aren't,  move on. Don't let love, or infatuation blind you.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You...Stronger?

Is the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" true? Just because we overcome something, it doesn't mean that we become stronger. What actually determines whether we become stronger is how we dealt with the situation we overcame.

I've been hurt over and over by men I've dated. I've found myself crying months after I've gone through something hurtful. I'd lay in bed asking myself all sorts of questions. Why didn't I do things differently? Why didn't I try to prevent certain things from happening? Why wasn't I more assertive? Why didn't I end things sooner? All these thoughts still  overwhelm me, sometimes. Yet, it's clear that the only way for me to come out stronger of these hurtful experiences is by being able to move on. And to move on, we must be able to let go. Finding meaning in our negative experiences helps with this and enables us to focus on the lessons that these experiences teach us.

Trying to always see the light in everything isn't easy. Many of us forget or minimize the value in our experiences. However, if reflecting on our negative experiences in our relationships leads us to change our behaviors, we can truly say we came out stronger. This is because we made a conscious decision to not continue doing things that consistently have negative consequences. Take for example an obese person. He/she hasn't become stronger after surviving a heart attack, unless a behavioral change, such as eating healthy, came out of it. That is, we become stronger, when we not only survive difficulties in our relationships but also implement positive changes where necessary. Hence, the saying should be rephrased as "what doesn't kill you gives you an opportunity to become stronger".

To My Husband To Be

What took you so long?! Endless days and nights passed by without you by my side, causing me to feel frustrated and lonely. One thing I did know was that you'd be a very special man. Someone that I could build a life with and who'd be a great father to our children. I'm blessed to have you in my life. Before we get married though, there are some things I want you to know...

I’m sensitive but strong. I don’t need you in my life, I want you in it. I want you to support me in my times of need because that's when I feel most alone. Thing is, I tend to act OK, even when I’m not. Please double-check that I’m indeed OK. Also, I'm not a “man-hater”. The reason I remain closed-up is because I've been hurt a lot by men. To protect myself, I keep such tall walls up that sometimes I think even the strongest men won’t be able to take them down. If you can’t, I understand but at least try. It might take me time to open up to you but with your love and patience, it'll happen.

I’m intense but sweet. I won’t be dramatic, if you don’t give me a reason to behave dramatically. Basically, don’t be a jerk and don't play games. If you disrespect me, take advantage of my kindness, or betray me, I won’t take it well. Most of all, never ever tell me to stop being emotional. I’m emotional, compassionate and caring. My emotions are what enable me to connect with people and is the reason people come to me for consolation. Besides, I want to be a psychologist, which is all about dealing with emotions!

I’m a planner but also an adventurer. I believe in the importance of having goals but I also like to leave room for exploration. However, it’s very important that you and I find a balance between hard work and enjoying ourselves. What's a life with no fun? And what's a life with no hard work? I dream of traveling and meeting people from different backgrounds and cultures (how about it?). But as I’m a future-oriented person, I tend to plan ahead, which means we’d probably have to plan out our vacations (and everything else) carefully. If you’re spontaneous that’s OK too but please understand that I'm more into preparation than improvisation. You should see what I carry in my purse/bag! 

I’m straightforward but genuine. My straightforwardness is another form of expressing my openness and sincerity. That is, I say what I mean and I mean what I say, while remaining respectful. In some cultures (such as the Western Culture I live in), it’s not so acceptable to be straightforward. People here tend to sugar-coat things but please don’t do it. Yes, if I look bad in a dress, tell me so in a nice way. Why would you have me go out in public looking like a fool? Oh and if I comment on things such as your eating habits and exercise habits, don’t get offended. It’s just my way of expressing my love and care for you. I will help you realize your full potential as a man. Never forget that I’ll be your rock in your times of need and your cheerleader in times of success.

I’m a giving person but please reciprocate. By this I don’t mean that every time I do something for you, you owe me. Instead, what I’m saying is that what we have is a partnership. In order for it to work, we must both help each other achieve our goals. So don’t expect me to sacrifice my dreams and relationships just so you can live your life. Remember, I have emotional, physical and sexual needs too. I’m here to support you and you should be there to support me.

Be patient with me. I’m an anxious person and if I annoy you a lot, I’m sorry! I hate being annoying and I get way more anxious when people lose their patience with me. I’m also a perfectionist and when things aren’t a certain way, I might “overreact”. Further, I’m a pessimist. It’s not that I don’t think good exists. I do but my  pessimism, among other things, is due to all the blows that I've received in life and all those people who've let me down. Plus, watching crime shows/documentaries, reminds me of the evil that exists but I love them! Nevertheless, I try to make the world a better place in my own little ways. I believe that we’re all brought on this earth for a reason and it’s our duty to maximize our potential. I also believe that we are designed to fall in love…