Dear Diary (Week 20),

Would I date myself? Yes and no. Yes because I have great qualities that would add a lot to any relationship. I'm genuine, honest, caring and selfless. My personality adds flavour to my relationships. Thing is, I have a dark side too, which doesn't make me such an ideal candidate for a partner. In relationships, I'm quick to judge, reactive, impatient and harsh at times. In fact, the dark side is what most men get to see. Only once I start letting my guards down is my sweet interior revealed. First impressions matter and I probably don't give off a great impression.

I don't blame myself for being quick to judge, reactive, impatient and even harsh at times because I've been hurt so often by men. But I still believe it's my responsibility to try my best to overcome my struggles and become a more desirable partner. Time only heals if we deal with our pain in healthy ways. Some of my pain might always accompany me but I hope that I can come to a point where I focus on the lessons rather than the painful experiences themselves. When I feel saddened by dark memories, I can feel relief as I know that there's meaning in my pain. It's very difficult to put my pain aside and not make presumptions about the men I date but I must try harder.

I don't want to mess up a great opportunity to be with a great man. When he comes into my life, I want to be ready to give him and the relationship my all. I want to say with confidence that I would date myself. I want what I portray on the outside to be aligned with who I'm on the inside. When a great man walks into my life, I want him to take me as I am but more importantly for who I'm becoming through hard work. My fear of being hurt and the way I express that through my actions and words (assumptions, harshness, etc.) is perhaps what's keeping good men away from me. Why should a man want to be with me, if I treat him like a criminal from the get-go?

I better start counting my blessings and change my "I'm a victim" mindset. I'm not a victim. I've persevered through so much turmoil and came out with a stronger sense of self. I must continue to work on myself so that when a great man comes into my life I can be ready for him and cherish our moments together. I want to be able to appreciate him for his kindness and compassion rather than waiting for him to screw up. I will continue to actualize who I'm meant to be so that I can proudly say that I would date myself.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 19),

This New Year, there are several things I want to work on when it comes to my dating life. I realize that there are things I can do to better myself as a partner and things I must look for to find a good partner. I want to improve myself and surround myself with people who help me move forward in life. We must never stop bettering ourselves. Here are some things that I want to improve on and hope to find in a partner:

One thing I want to work on is sensitivity. That is, being a sensitive partner. I have high expectations of men and when they don't live up to them I can be insensitive in how I express that. My directness can be perceived as insensitivity. Also, I'm too reactive. When I'm upset, I go into victim mode and I become defensive. When I become defensive, I act and say things in ways that might make men feel like they're under attack. And when men feel under attack by me, they tend to shut down emotionally, only causing me to be more resentful. I want to burst out of my hurt bubble and see things from the man's perspective.

Another thing I want is to stop being a victim. I've been hurt a lot by men and with every new man I encounter, I carry the pain with me. Perhaps, I give off negative vibes to men that in turn attracts negativity in my life. I want to rid myself of the toxicity and be more positive when it comes to dating. Not only do I want to give men a chance to prove to me that they can treat me better than the men I've dated in the past but I also want to get myself out of this self-perpetuating cycle of feeling like a victim and attracting men who harp on my vulnerabilities.

In a partner, I want to be with a man who is consistent and reciprocal. If a man is interested in me, I expect him to show it to me regularly through his actions. It's the little things that count, such as talking to me and seeing me regularly. I want to be there for him and him for me. I love to give but I want him to spoil me too- with affection and time. Relationships are so much more powerful, when both individuals give and take. The more I give and don't get back, the more resentful I become. I want to let go of my pain, as much as possible, not hold on to it.

I also want to be with a man who's sensitive to me. I'm an unapologetically emotional woman. I'm tired of justifying how I feel. I want to be accepted as I am, emotions and all. There's definitely room for improvement here too, as I'm sometimes too reactive. Generally speaking though, I want to be with a man who acknowledges my feelings and cares. When he hurts me, I want to feel comfortable letting him know he hurt me and be able to trust that he'll no longer behave in a hurtful manner towards me.

The most important thing is effort. I'm willing to continue working on myself and hope to find a man who also seeks to work on himself. I learned a lot from my past experiences and I've found meaning in my pain. I no longer want to hurt, I want to move on. I want to apply the painful lessons from my past to improve my current dating life. With this New Year, I hope to find the courage to stand against the adversity that may come my way and the strength to persevere in accomplishing my goals.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 18),

My heart beats to the music's melody.

My body dances zestfully.

My mind rests peacefully.

I smile joyously. 

I breathe in happiness.

And exhale angriness.

My heart fills with tenderness.

My body's movements are so effortless.
My mind's worries turn into joyfulness.

My smile lights up my face with brightness.

This is a moment that feels like forever.

Feeling this way often is my life's endevor.

Heart, body, mind in sync,

Just in the moment, forgetting to think.

I hold on to to this moment, not letting go.

It's on the verge of escaping me, though.

There's one thing I know.

Good moments might not stay

But I rather have a taste over nothing at all, any day.

Love is a tease that consumes me.

But evades me just as easily.

How I manage without it is a mystery.

But I must wait until it's meant to be.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 17),

To explain or not to explain? I can’t decide anymore if it’s better to just ignore certain men or to explain to them why I'm ignoring them first. There are so many instances where men have done or said things they shouldn’t have and my instinct was to give them a piece of my mind. Thing is, to some men I would just look “crazy”, while others wouldn’t care about my feelings. But I feel that what they did/said is so bad that I must let them know. But maybe that’s just me being stubborn. Maybe the mature thing to do is to ignore them. I often find myself stuck in this back and forth thought process.

Just an example, I was recently talking to a guy that I haven’t spoken to in a little while and he tells me he’s seeing someone but would like my contact information, in case it doesn’t work out with that other person! This kind of behavior was so appalling to me that I felt like telling him. But then again, I don’t actually know this person well. Would sharing my thoughts on his behavior with him do much? It’s even worse when I know the person (somewhat) well because my emotions are invested in him. I actually feel hurt that the person who I opened up to is treating me in an unfair manner. Plus, it's better to have closure with someone you were involved with than to end things on a bad note. It's important to be able to talk with someone about why the relationship ended.

It gets complicated when a person I like and have only dated a short while, turns out to have had the wrong intentions. I don't want to ignore his messages but I don't want to pretend like everything is OK either. I want him to know that what he did/said hurt me. But it's so frustrating to have to explain to men time and time again that what they said hurt me. I feel like men should know better. They should know how to treat me right.

Thing is, I no longer have the energy, nor do I wish to spend time defending myself/putting some men in their place. At the same time, me being me, I feel the need for some reason, to teach some rude men manners, especially when I got to know them pretty well and like them. I know it’s not my job but it’s an impulse I have. The other part of it involves me being upset over how unfairly I’m being treated and feeling the need to protect myself. It's unclear to me if ignoring men's inappropriate behaviors/comments is better than explaining to them why they're inappropriate.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 16),

In order to advance in life, taking risks is inevitable. With love, it's no different. Love is a gamble, entirely unpredictable. Why? Because we put our hearts in people's hands. We think we can trust them but we are sometimes fooled. Of course, in order to find love, we must find the courage to make ourselves vulnerable. Yet, it's good to set boundaries as to how vulnerable we're willing to make ourselves.

Apparently, true love is supposed to be worth every loss, every heartache, and every tear. It conquers all, they say. Yet, love has no guarantees. True love is but an image we create, the dream we hope to achieve, the fix we so desperately crave. Love's promises put our guards down, giving us this false sense of bravery when we jump into the unknown. Yet, it doesn't take that many failed experiences to start developing trust issues. It seems so difficult to make oneself vulnerable, yet so easy to get hurt.

The way we cope with our failed love experiences and the manner in which we use what we learned in future experiences makes all the difference. It takes a lot of perseverance to pick ourselves up after each and every failure and move on. I don't want to give up on love EVER, even after I find it. I don't want to have trust issues anymore but the lines of who to trust are blurred. I don't want to hold back but it seems like every time I give a piece of my heart, I get all the rest taken away. This is why I try to take healthy risks. When something a man I am talking to did or said doesn't feel right, I try to see where his intentions lie. It may seem like all I have to lose is a couple of hours for a date, yet there's so much more involved. 

It's very important to stay open-minded in terms of our choices in dates, as sometimes people turn out differently than we expect. Love is a gamble worth taking risks for, as long as we're prepared to deal with any repercussions that may result. While we can have many unsuccessful attempts at love without any harmful repercussions, some experiences change us for the worse. Trusting enough of the wrong people can cause us to be bitter and may change our outlook on love. It's good to be careful who we get involved with and once that person earned our trust it's worth opening our hearts to that person.

Love,
Faigy