Trapped In The Future

I have been told by men to live in the moment.

To do so seems almost impossible to me because of my future-oriented mindset.

Yet, (almost) every person that comes into our life, has a lesson to teach us.

So I wonder, what is the lesson to be learned here?

Will living in the moment bring me greater happiness?

My heart is heavy with the pain of my past and my lungs are filled with toxins.

I try to reduce the swarm of thoughts and emotions and just focus on the now.

Yet, it’s difficult to practice mindfulness, when my mind is always on auto-pilot.

I can’t seem to keep my mind from running a million miles an hour.

Thinking about the future gives me comfort.

It helps me manage my anxiety, through preparation.

It helps me escape my uncertainties of the present.

And gives me hope that I can mold my future.

I fantasize about a future that makes up for my past.

But my fantasies take me away from real life moments.

My fantasies are momentarily pleasant but sometimes turn into expectations.

Expectations sometimes lead to disappointment.

And disappointment to unhappiness.

I don’t know what my future holds.

When will I get married? When will I have children? Will I have a satisfying job? Will I live a good life?

I obsess about it but I don’t want to.

I don’t want to live as if there’s no tomorrow because if I do I will have nothing left.

I don’t want to live as if only tomorrow exists because if I do I will never actually get to live.

I just hope to find some moments where the future doesn’t exist so I can experience life’s beauties.

My future will be brighter, if I make the best of the present.

Yet, my present will not be brighter, if I only live for the future.

I regret always allowing my guilt to pull me away from present moments. 

I regret living life, without really thinking and really feeling.

Or, thinking too much and feeling too much.

I just want to be mindful, grateful and happy.