Dear Diary (Week 5),

Do you ever meet couples who've been together for a long time (15ish years+)? Or, old couples who are together and really in love? Do you think "I wish that was me"? Well, I sometimes do and I sometimes don't.

This sounds bad but the thought of being with someone for the rest of my life makes me sad. Yes, sad. In part because finding the one at my young age makes me look at the years ahead as long and as boring. Even if I'm in looove with the guy, I'm not sure I can remain happy with the very same guy all these years. I also worry about the mundanity of marriage and my ability to cope with it. It's funny I feel this way because normally I like structure. But I hate how there's such a structure to love. That is, once you reach a certain age, you get married, have kids, raise your kids, become grand-parents and help out with the grand-children. I'm not saying that this isn't what I want but that it saddens me to think of my future as falling into this rigid pattern.

I want to be married but I want to be free. Many may argue that marriage should not make you feel suffocated but at a certain point one must admit that you lose a lot of freedom. It could be said that it's worth it, as you gain other things in exchange to your freedom. But I'm not convinced it's so worth it. Once you have a family, you must include the others in your decisions, oftentimes. You must make sacrifices, in sake of your family and put up with others' habits (for example: I'm neat and quiet but what if others in my family are messy and loud?). I'm willing to compromise and work towards a solution to make home comfortable for all members of the family. I'm just saying it's not always such an easy task so I'm not super eager to have to go through it. I love the idea of love. You know, the whole falling in love phase and two people loving one another unconditionally. I also love the happiness it supposedly brings into one's life. But all these love expectations create an illusion of what love is supposed to be like. I'm not a hater (of love), I'm just a realist.

I wish I could find someone special with whom I can spend time with and be intimate with. But the whole "I'm going to be with you forever" scares me. There's too much pressure to make the right choice. This is why I wanted a friends with benefits relationship. A friend who'll treat me right inside and out (pun intended). Unfortunately, guys NEVER understand what I need or they just don't care. Usually, when I attempt to have a friends with benefits relationship, the guy is pretty much just interested in having sex. I want to be friends with a guy, talk to him (even if it's not super personal) and feel comfortable around him. I've been told several times that it doesn't exist. That it's casual or serious. But I feel like it does. I just haven't found it (yet?). Besides, as I always say, there must be some guy out there who sees friends with benefits relationships like I do.

Being in a friends with benefits relationship is easier than being married. I'm not looking for the easy way out because sometimes the more difficult way is the better way. I just don't see marriage (the more difficult way) as being better suited for me at this point in time. I want to get married to someone who makes the hard work worth it. Also, love is falsely portrayed in so many ways, such as being the end to one's loneliness. But it's possible to feel lonelier when with someone. Love can also be mundane. I'm more than willing to find the beauty in the mundane aspect of marriage, I'm just scared to take the leap at this point in time.

Love,
Faigy