Dear Diary (Week 11),

I dance with the shadow of myself.
Bodies, mind and soul intertwined.
The wind encompassing us in a bubble.
I breathe. She breathes. I cry. She cries.
I close my eyes. I meditate. I focus. I feel. I hear. Memories rush through my head. Bad memories. My head hurts. I lose my peace for a moment. I blame myself. I dislike myself. I dislike the people who have hurt me.

I've gone two steps forwards and two steps backwards. I reached high. And I reached low. I've searched for love and thought I found someone good. But all I found was someone who was not there for me. I've held my heart in my hands. But all I was left with was an empty spot where my heart used to be. Life is a constant battle. In darkness or in light, I must fight. Either I take charge of my life or my life takes charge of me.

I can't fall in love, until I love myself. To truly love myself, I must know myself. I must find meaning in my pain. Compassion for myself. The courage to start fresh, while accepting who I was and am. I must appreciate my journey. See the beauty in my scars. I must find the strength to come out of the shadows and be myself. To be in love, I must become one with another, while not losing half of me. I'm ready to love but not to be in love.

I fell into darkness and picked myself up, only to fall into the arms of emptiness. I struggle to disconnect from the shadow of myself. All I can do is dance with it. In harmony. In peace. That's the only way for me to be set free. I forgive myself for not being ordinary. I forgive myself for going at my pace. I love myself, despite my limitations. And I love myself, despite not having a man who loves me. I await for him, who can take me as I am and for who I want to be.

Love,

Faigy