Dear Diary (Week 12),

You are what you attract. I wrestled with this concept for a long time. I could never understand how someone like me, who is respectful and kind can attract men who are not. But then I started thinking about this statement differently.

Just like any other battle, love is a lot about perception. That is, you can be a miserable single or a happy single. I still struggle to find value in being single. I still base success in large part on finding love. I still dislike being single. But I am learning to manage these thoughts, as to not let them impinge on love's journey. If we do not manage these thoughts, they can affect our behaviors when it comes to dating.

Let us say you have an online dating profile and you are fed up with attracting guys who are only interested in hooking up. You tell yourself that perhaps if you spell it out clearly, the guys who are only interested in sex will stay away from you. Not quite! It is always important to say things with positivity. For example, rather than saying: "If you are only interested in sex, STAY AWAY", try something like "looking for something that we can build on." You may be a great person who has been hurt a lot but a lack of positivity will only push away the good guys, who are most likely looking to be with someone positive. Resentment is unattractive. Defensiveness is unattractive. Negativity too is unattractive.

It is not easy to stay positive, when you are broken. But you got to make a choice: can you put aside your pain and hurt, when meeting new people or do you need a break from dating, as you cannot do so? It's best to date, when you find happiness within yourself and when you have a positive state of mind. When you are angry, you become defensive and when you become defensive, the person you are with will become defensive too. Thus, an endless cycle of anger, defensiveness and resentment begins. Each person looking at their partner through a narrow, "You are just like all the others" lense. Love is hard and staying away from love for many of us (like myself) is even harder. But love is not worth pursuing, unless we are ready for it.

Love is worth the wait. When I say this, I am not talking about waiting for the one before getting into any sort of (sexual) relationship. I do not mean to say, that if we do not see a future with a person, we should not be with them. We have different relational needs, at different points in our lives. We do not have to date only husband/wife material, if we are not looking for a husband/wife yet. Rather, when I say love is worth the wait, I mean being single is better than being with just about anyone. Finding a good match is not easy. Finding a bad match is. Sometimes things that are harder to achieve are the most worth it.

How can you attract the right person? Own the characteristics that the person you want to attract is looking for. For example, if you want to be with a man who appreciates a kind, patient and honest woman, be those things. You want positivity in your life? Be positive. You want a good man/woman in your life? Bring forward what would attract a good man/woman. I am not asking you to fake it. I am telling you to be it. When both you and the man/woman you are meant to be with is happy, when you have both worked hard on yourselves and when the time is right, you will both meet somewhere, somehow. Now, that's my kind of fairytale!

Love,
Faigy