On Letting Go

No one wants their heart broken and most people don't enjoy breaking hearts either. It's difficult to let go of someone you trusted, opened yourself up to and shared intimate details with. Also, the thought of having to go through all that again with someone else can be very scary. So we tend to stay longer than we should in relationships with people who aren't right for us. Yet, letting go is crucial for getting us closer to the right person.

Ask yourself this: would you rather be alone or with someone but feel alone? Let me explain. Would you rather use the time that you're single to focus on improving yourself, advancing in your life and discovering yourself? Or would you rather be with someone for the mere reason of not being alone but feel detached from he/she? Of course, neither option is ideal but these are the two options we are sometimes faced with.

Staying with someone who you fell out of love or were never in love with isn't a good feeling. The constant turmoil within you for not knowing how/when to end things and the turmoil between you and your partner keeps on building. The greater the buildup of negative feelings, the more likely things are to end bad. Negative feelings towards your partner don't just go away with the flick of your fingers. Instead, they can subside if you face them. Facing your feelings means acknowledging you have them and dealing with them accordingly. Sometimes the best way to heal is removing yourself from the unhealthy relationship. So if you know you've given your partner many chances and nothing has changed, it's probably time to move on.

Instead of focusing all your energy on the wrong person, save it for the right one. All that time that you're stuck in a relationship in which you're unhappy, you're expending your energy on disagreements between you and your partner, on your misery and on false hope for things to somehow work out. Relationships take a lot of energy and hard work so why not spend it on someone who you actually like?

The more time you invest in a relationship which doesn't feel right to you, the more energy you expend on the wrong person. And perhaps the more time you'll need to recuperate. So as hard as it may be, once you see that things are not improving in your relationship, it's best to get out of it immediately. The longer you wait to get out, the harder it'll be when you finally do. Being with someone is something most of us desire but "someone" does not mean anyone.

On Compromise

Compromise is key to a healthy relationship but that doesn't mean compromising your values and all your expectations away. It's important to strike a balance between compromising and sticking by your values and most highly held expectations.

When two people have different desires and needs, compromise is needed. For example, your partner might want to have sex more often, while you want him/her to make more time for you. Instead of arguing over this, the two of you should consider giving to your partner what he/she needs, in order to in turn have your own needs met. After all, like you, your partner has expectations and unless you can find a way to fulfill both of your needs, your relationship isn't likely to succeed.

Sometimes you'll have to compromise to keep both you and your partner happy. Compromise is give and take; you give something to your partner, in order to get something from him/her in return. It gets difficult at times, as it requires going out of our your way to find some middle ground with someone. However, it's worth it in the long run, with the right person and as long as it doesn't require you to give up what's most important to you.

Compromising with limits is necessary in a relationship, as it allows you to take care of your partner's needs, while staying true to who you are.

What To Do When He/She Doesn't Text/Call Back Or Does So Late

That feeling when he/she doesn't text/call you back or does so late...The frustration, anger, sadness, etc. And I'm not talking about a person who does this occasionally but someone who does it consistently. Here are some things to consider in this situation.

Ask him/her if he's/she's busy. It's best to give him/her the benefit of the doubt, before immediately jumping to conclusions. There may be a good reason why he/she isn't answering you. There may be a simple solution too. For example, if your schedules are different, you would have to find a time where you can both talk. If the person is interested in you they will be willing to do this, even if it means going out of his/her way. Yet, it's important to recognize the difference between a person who is actually busy, with work for example, versus someone who chooses to occupy his time with people other than you and activities that don't involve you. Of course, it's very important for an individual to have his/her own friends and activities but once in a couple it's also important to shift things around to make time for the other person.

Focus on the content of the texts/phone calls. First, you want to look for indications that the person is actually interested in you. Doing this based on the content of texts can be difficult, less so with the content of phone conversations. Texts are very susceptible for misunderstandings because of the lack of tone, eye contact, gestures, etc. Nevertheless, there are still things to look out for. Focus on what he/she is saying. For instance, "hey babe, so sorry for not answering sooner. I was really busy. How is your day going?" sounds much better than "too busy to talk". There are several differences. The first reply is open-ended, shows regret for not having replied sooner and displays interest in your day. The second reply does none of these.

Focus on the person's actions. People have many different ways of showing interest. See how often, if at all, he/she asks you out/is willing to go out with you. After all, a big indicator that a person is interested in you is wanting to be with you regularly. If he/she takes things from texting/phone calls to in-person dates on a regular basis, he's/she's showing you interest through action. Also look out for body language. For example, does he/she come close to you when you speak? Another thing that can be a good indicator of a person's interest in you is whether or not they do/give you nice things. Does he/she show an eagerness to help you when in need? Does he/she give you soup, when you're sick?

While it's worth giving people who tend to not call/text you back, or tend to do so in an untimely manner a chance, it's also not worth investing your time, emotions and energy into someone who will not give you what you need. So clarify things for yourself by following my above suggestions.

Ready Or Not

When is the right time to kiss/be intimate with the guy you are dating? Even if the guy gives you as much time as you need, should you still wait a minimum (or maximum) amount of time? The answer is not as straightforward as it seems and in the following post, you'll see why.

You go out for coffee with a guy and you hit it off. You two end up talking for hours and at the end of the date, the guy says he'd like to see you again. You end up meeting again a few days later and as last time, things go really well. With the hours flying by, you feel more and more attracted to the guy. Then you have a special moment... and he leans in for the kiss. What do you do? Or, what would you like to do? Kiss him, as you feel a connection and you want to seize the moment? Or gently turn away because you feel it's too soon?

After having taken a break from dating and made a decision to only get physical with a guy if I really like him, I'm struggling to find a balance between going with the flow and being aware and mindful of my dating choices. I've done so much reflection to the point of overthinking things and in a sense trying to control and perfect every little detail related to dating: how much do I have to like the guy to kiss him, will I ever feel ready to take things to a physical level or is it just a matter of getting comfortable with the guy once I become physical? I mean my goal isn't to be in love before I get physical with a guy. However, I want something that'll last and I want to be in a healthy, caring relationship.

I wish I could stop myself from overthinking love but I feel helpless. I've rationalized something that isn't rational. I've become obsessed with making the "right" choice, as to not get hurt once again. Even to the point of being in constant "beware of jerks" motion, trying to stop myself from falling for another jerk. I do this by comparing actions of current guys to guys from my past, trying to find similar patterns. This only makes me more judgmental of the guys I'm getting to know, causing me to trust less, which goes hand in hand with loneliness. I feel helpless getting out of this tangled mess. I want to trust. I want to love and most of all I want to be free of these restraints...The question is how?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Let me know in the comments/ask for advice section

A Boundless Kind Of Love

My number one wish for myself is to be happy and find serenity in my life. Unfortunately, I repeatedly find myself in the same sticky situations, which prevent me from fulfilling this wish. And these situations all have one thing in common...they all involve men!

Why does our happiness depend so much (if not almost entirely) on being in love or with someone? And why do we cry endlessly when a guy we like breaks our heart, leads us on, or hurts us? Why does inspiration to write this blog post have to come from yet another negative experience with a guy? It's so easy to tell ourselves that we give up on love, that we won't give our hearts (and maybe body) away so easily... But how many times do we fall into this same trap again and again and again? And we can't be blamed really. It's so hard to "restrain" our hearts from falling for the next guy.

Sure, many of us find meaning and happiness in other people and things in our lives. But it's easy to forget all these other people and things while in pain over a guy. It's sad how we are designed to reminisce over what we lost and forget what we didn't. Yet, as much as we try, it's practically impossible to rationalize our emotions. And making sense of our emotions and channelling them in healthy ways can take years to learn. It's not as simple as telling ourselves "we are not right for each other so let me move on". It's more like "whyyyyyyyy".

The best we can do is accept the fact that we can't control everything in life. Shit happens. And sometimes we are defenseless. But this vulnerability is what makes us human. In accepting our helplessness, we are in a good place to learn from these negative experiences and all the closer to finding someone who is good to us. We can't control what happens to us but we can control how we deal with it and how much we let it affect us. No matter how deep the stab, the heart heals. The heart has a boundless supply of love. Whether we choose to make use of it is up to us...

Learning To Trust Again With A Broken Heart

When you break your arm by slipping on the ice, you put a cast on it and let it heal. You become more careful on the ice but you don't avoid it altogether, as you need to get to places. However, there is no cast for a broken heart. And finding the courage to get back to dating after having your heart broken is way harder than finding the courage to go back onto the ice after having slipped and broken your arm.

Healing love wounds takes time. The way one heals depends on the person. While humans have a strong desire to be with someone, it's not easy to put ourselves out there, especially after negative dating experiences. That is, when we always seem to be attracting players, it's easy to generalize that all men are players and give up on finding a nice guy who's not a player.

In order to avoid/get out of this stage of exasperation, we must take care of our emotional health and channel our exasperation into positive change. Taking care of our emotional health requires facing the pain brought upon us by our emotions and reflect on it. If you move on from a relationship, without taking the time to reflect, you will likely make the same mistakes again. For example, if you find yourself constantly ending up with women who only want to be with you for your money, reflecting on your past relationships will help you spot gold-diggers more easily. While reflection isn't a full-proof method for avoiding getting your heart broken, it decreases the likelihood of recurrence.

It's important to get back on one's feet, after a broken heart. But in order to properly do so one must heal one's love wounds by releasing our negative emotions. Simply moving on doesn't allow us to recharge and  get into a new relationship with a positive attitude. Instead, it makes us bring our trust issues with us. In order to trust again while also reducing the risk of another broken heart, we must reflect, release and recharge.

Love Should Not Be Blind

One day I was notified on facebook that a guy who I'll call "D" accepted my friend request. I don't know this guy and figured that I must have accidentally added him. Nevertheless, I was intrigued by his facebook profile picture. So I decided to check out his profile. When I saw his pictures I was in awe. I thought to myself that this is my ideal guy...physically, of course. I felt this excitement that I haven't felt in a while. I messaged him and we quickly got to talking, when the conversation turned sour. He basically told me that if I want him to like me, I must send him a naked picture of myself. I felt disappointed and disgusted. I told him no and we pretty much stopped speaking after that. Although I was still tempted to message him I knew that it would be a bad idea so I didn't.

I thought about why I was tempted to message a guy who treated me with such disrespect and realized that it was due to my loneliness. That was confirmed when talking to other guys made me less preoccupied with D. While lacking that special someone left me with a void, I knew that it wasn't a good reason for me to get involved with someone like D. Sometimes a guy/girl can be "perfect" minus this one big fault. You might have a great connection with a guy but if he almost never invests his time in you, is he really worth dating? Well, depends on your needs. For example, if you want to be with him for him (and not his money) than perhaps you won't be happy with him. It's important to recognize that everyone has faults. But it's also important to not ignore things about him/her that really bother you. I had to be realistic and tell myself that D and I are looking for very different kinds of relationships.

Many of us, including myself, ignore things about our partner that really bother us from the get-go, only to have these issues resurface later on. That is, we become blinded by love. But we shouldn't. Doing so will lead us to regret later on. We must not lose sight of our reasonable expectations and values. Be mindful of who you give your heart to. Meeting D was an opportunity to prove to myself that I'm capable of putting infatuation aside and make the conscious decision to stay away from an appealing guy who I know is not right for me. Face the problems and decide if they are reconcilable. If they aren't,  move on. Don't let love, or infatuation blind you.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You...Stronger?

Is the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" true? Just because we overcome something, it doesn't mean that we become stronger. What actually determines whether we become stronger is how we dealt with the situation we overcame.

I've been hurt over and over by men I've dated. I've found myself crying months after I've gone through something hurtful. I'd lay in bed asking myself all sorts of questions. Why didn't I do things differently? Why didn't I try to prevent certain things from happening? Why wasn't I more assertive? Why didn't I end things sooner? All these thoughts still  overwhelm me, sometimes. Yet, it's clear that the only way for me to come out stronger of these hurtful experiences is by being able to move on. And to move on, we must be able to let go. Finding meaning in our negative experiences helps with this and enables us to focus on the lessons that these experiences teach us.

Trying to always see the light in everything isn't easy. Many of us forget or minimize the value in our experiences. However, if reflecting on our negative experiences in our relationships leads us to change our behaviors, we can truly say we came out stronger. This is because we made a conscious decision to not continue doing things that consistently have negative consequences. Take for example an obese person. He/she hasn't become stronger after surviving a heart attack, unless a behavioral change, such as eating healthy, came out of it. That is, we become stronger, when we not only survive difficulties in our relationships but also implement positive changes where necessary. Hence, the saying should be rephrased as "what doesn't kill you gives you an opportunity to become stronger".

To My Husband To Be

What took you so long?! Endless days and nights passed by without you by my side, causing me to feel frustrated and lonely. One thing I did know was that you'd be a very special man. Someone that I could build a life with and who'd be a great father to our children. I'm blessed to have you in my life. Before we get married though, there are some things I want you to know...

I’m sensitive but strong. I don’t need you in my life, I want you in it. I want you to support me in my times of need because that's when I feel most alone. Thing is, I tend to act OK, even when I’m not. Please double-check that I’m indeed OK. Also, I'm not a “man-hater”. The reason I remain closed-up is because I've been hurt a lot by men. To protect myself, I keep such tall walls up that sometimes I think even the strongest men won’t be able to take them down. If you can’t, I understand but at least try. It might take me time to open up to you but with your love and patience, it'll happen.

I’m intense but sweet. I won’t be dramatic, if you don’t give me a reason to behave dramatically. Basically, don’t be a jerk and don't play games. If you disrespect me, take advantage of my kindness, or betray me, I won’t take it well. Most of all, never ever tell me to stop being emotional. I’m emotional, compassionate and caring. My emotions are what enable me to connect with people and is the reason people come to me for consolation. Besides, I want to be a psychologist, which is all about dealing with emotions!

I’m a planner but also an adventurer. I believe in the importance of having goals but I also like to leave room for exploration. However, it’s very important that you and I find a balance between hard work and enjoying ourselves. What's a life with no fun? And what's a life with no hard work? I dream of traveling and meeting people from different backgrounds and cultures (how about it?). But as I’m a future-oriented person, I tend to plan ahead, which means we’d probably have to plan out our vacations (and everything else) carefully. If you’re spontaneous that’s OK too but please understand that I'm more into preparation than improvisation. You should see what I carry in my purse/bag! 

I’m straightforward but genuine. My straightforwardness is another form of expressing my openness and sincerity. That is, I say what I mean and I mean what I say, while remaining respectful. In some cultures (such as the Western Culture I live in), it’s not so acceptable to be straightforward. People here tend to sugar-coat things but please don’t do it. Yes, if I look bad in a dress, tell me so in a nice way. Why would you have me go out in public looking like a fool? Oh and if I comment on things such as your eating habits and exercise habits, don’t get offended. It’s just my way of expressing my love and care for you. I will help you realize your full potential as a man. Never forget that I’ll be your rock in your times of need and your cheerleader in times of success.

I’m a giving person but please reciprocate. By this I don’t mean that every time I do something for you, you owe me. Instead, what I’m saying is that what we have is a partnership. In order for it to work, we must both help each other achieve our goals. So don’t expect me to sacrifice my dreams and relationships just so you can live your life. Remember, I have emotional, physical and sexual needs too. I’m here to support you and you should be there to support me.

Be patient with me. I’m an anxious person and if I annoy you a lot, I’m sorry! I hate being annoying and I get way more anxious when people lose their patience with me. I’m also a perfectionist and when things aren’t a certain way, I might “overreact”. Further, I’m a pessimist. It’s not that I don’t think good exists. I do but my  pessimism, among other things, is due to all the blows that I've received in life and all those people who've let me down. Plus, watching crime shows/documentaries, reminds me of the evil that exists but I love them! Nevertheless, I try to make the world a better place in my own little ways. I believe that we’re all brought on this earth for a reason and it’s our duty to maximize our potential. I also believe that we are designed to fall in love…

When Enough Is Enough

Should the three strike rule apply to wrongdoings committed by your partner? In other words, should you give him/her three chances to redeem himself/herself? Such wrongdoings doesn't include petty things your partner does that annoy you. It also doesn't include cheating, as that's a separate topic. But it does include being taken advantage of sexually, being betrayed and being lied to. While forgiving someone who hurt you is a good thing, staying with them despite their many wrongdoings is not. Because when you give a person too many chances, you've fallen into this vicious cycle of he/she does so and so, you forgive him/her, he/she does it again and so forth.

Additionally, "actions speak louder than words." Take the case of a guy who from the get-go only ever seems to be interested in hooking up with you. You want something more and you let him know that. He apologizes and promises to spend more quality time with you but never does. He keeps on only showing interest in you physically, despite how many times you told him you want a serious relationship. Instead of telling yourself that it's time you go your separate ways, as you both want different things, you tell yourself he'll change. Yet, when you keep on giving your partners chances, you're failing to create boundaries of what's acceptable to you in your relationships.

One of my main regrets when it comes to relationships is giving guys too many chances. Although I chose to move on from the hurtful situations they put me in, the resentment towards these guys (and perhaps towards myself) catches up with me to this day, making it difficult to remember the good times we shared (if any), find closure and trust again. Why continue seeing someone who doesn't fulfill your needs and let the resentment build up? Similarly, if a girl continuously lies to you, why would you stay with her and justify away her lies, until you explode? By ending things before they get to this point, you will be able to avoid some very unpleasant emotions, such as anger and resentment.

What I'm saying is that there's no guarantee your partner will change and giving the person three strikes for serious wrongdoings is taking a risk. A risk well worth it? Maybe, maybe not. Ask yourself if your partner really deserves another strike. In terms of how many strikes you should give him/her, it's important to note that there's no "right" number, as each partnership and situation is unique. However, don't give your partner enough chances to become trapped in the vicious cycle of wrongdoings/forgiveness. Do make sure that when you give him/her a chance, your partner shows a change in behavior for the better.

"Blind" Dating

So you've been talking to this person on an online dating app for a very short period of time when just like that he/she asks you out for drinks. Would you agree to the date?

Let's assume you chose to go out with this person. All you know about him/her is some basic information (age, sex, height, etc.) and that he/she is cute. But why not figure out if you connect/like each other when you speak, before accepting a date? I once accepted a date with a guy I met online that I barely chatted with only to later have him tell me that we have nothing in common. Had he actually gotten to know me a little better he would've been able to figure that out before investing time, energy and money on our date.

"Hold on Faigy", you might say. "What if it's just a casual encounter?" Well, there's still safety to consider (knowing someone even a bit makes it easier to tell if he/she is trustworthy) and just because a person is sexy it doesn't mean that his/her stupidity, for example, won't turn you off. However, I'm not saying that going on a date with someone you barely know is a bad idea. I'm just saying that if you choose to do so the things mentioned are worth considering.

Now what if you met the person briefly in real life, barely spoke after that and soon after he/she asks you out online or via text (point being not face to face or by phone)? Does that change things much if at all? If you've spoken for a long enough time and are still interested, make the move. But for me, asking someone out after only a handshake and some very brief chit chat, is premature. Talk to the person. Get to know them. Make them want to take it from behind the screen to the comfy sofas at the coffee shop.

Additionally, asking someone out after only some occasional chit chat, makes one seem desperate or/and motivated by something superficial, such as looks. If you want something superficial then that's fine. But it's unsettling if you are looking for a serious relationship and a person just asks you out after knowing what you look like and some very basic information about you. While it's true that people don't normally go into a date knowing everything about the other person (unless it's a case of a friendship gone romantic, for example), don't you still want to make sure that you connect with the other person?

What do you think?

How To Show Interest In Her

Why Break-Ups Can Be A Good Thing

Breaking up is hard. Whether you're the one who ended the relationship or were broken up with, it's a difficult position to be in. This may lead to the feeling of loss and hopelessness. But if dealt with correctly, loss and hopelessness can lead to growth. While the break-up is still fresh, terms like "growth" are probably the last things you want to hear. And that is OK. Don't hold back tears. You can grieve the loss for some time, if that's what you need. But remind yourself that if you deal with the grief and other emotions that come with break-ups appropriately, a positive outcome will emerge. That is, there's something to be learnt from every experience. Learning leads to growth. And growth allows you to become a better you, whatever that "you" consists of.

While each individual has their unique process for dealing with grief, only some behaviors are healthy. This doesn't include trying to attack your ex's character by spreading nasty rumors about him/her. Or getting involved with many men/women who you don't actually care about, just to get over your ex. Instead of focusing so much on your ex, focus on yourself. That is, now that you're single, take the time to try new things (join a dance class, learn a new language, go bungee jumping, etc) and focus on other aspects of your life, like work/school. Also, focus on your other relationships, with friends and family. Further, accept the fact that things and people change. Change is hard because it involves loss. That is, loss of the way things used to be. But we as humans have this amazing ability to adapt to new situations.

So how can you adapt to your new single situation? Different individuals adapt differently. Some of the methods previously suggested included trying out new activities and focusing on your other relationships. Remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to have fun, despite your circumstances. Don't let regret reduce you to self-pity, depression or any such emotions. If you need to talk to someone, do it as soon as possible. Because repression can be disastrous. It's best to get all the negative emotions out first, deal with them in a healthy way and only then move on. Moving on doesn't mean you must forget what happened. It just requires you to "deal" with your situation in a healthy manner and make a decision to no longer hold on to the negative emotions tied with it, such as pain, anger and regret. It means choosing to love yourself and grow from this experience, instead.

Relationship Advice

Dating Differently: New Year= New Beginnings

It was the Jewish New Year this week; a time of reflection and renewal. Also the time to make meaningful and reasonable resolutions. Being the analytical-minded person that I am, I'm constantly reflecting on my life. However, this week was exceptionally emotional, as I did so much reflecting on various aspects of my life, including my dating life.

In thinking about my past relationships, I realized that they were filled with so much drama and pain. And that the only way that can change is if I do things differently. That is, I will keep on finding myself stuck in the same old situations with the same type of guys, if I don't actively change my dating behaviors.

Despite all the heartache, good things came out of my negative dating experiences, such as having gained knowledge on what I'm not looking for in a man. While I'm still conflicted about what I do want in a man, it helps knowing what I don't. I'm tired of dealing with players, men who don't actually care about me, men who don't validate my feelings, etc, etc, etc.

As requested, I will attempt to date differently and share what I learnt from these new experiences. In doing so, I'm hoping to have healthier relationships and to learn together with you valuable lessons on relationships. I also want to see if I can change the troublesome outcomes that come out of my relationships. Will I stop constantly attracting players, in dating differently? Will I start attracting men who care about my feelings? In short, I want to see how much control we have in the types of men we attract. This isn't as straightforward as it seems because behavior isn't an easy thing to change. It's not like I can say "Since I attract so many players, all I have to do is wait until the relationship is serious to have sex with a guy." It takes a fresh perspective and a lot of motivation to change one's behavior. And in doing a lot of reflection, I've decided that I want to place myself in the shoes of someone with a different perspective on dating.

So, this New Year I made a resolution to not get physically involved with a guy until we get to know each other really well and see that we both truly care about each other. Will I be happier and more satisfied in such relationships? Have I been consistently doing something wrong to attract the "wrong" men? To find out, please follow my journey here on my blog.

9 Telling Signs That He's Committed To You

1. He aims to be the best man he can be.

It's not easy to change one's behaviors and habits. But if a guy can envision being with you in the long run, he'll want to be the best he can be to give you reason to commit to him and to make you happy. This doesn't mean that he has to change. It just means that as everyone can improve on certain character traits, he'll be inspired to do so.

2. He talks to you every day or almost every day.

If a guy is truly committed to you, he'll want to find out everything about you. He'll be interested in your opinions on various topics and will want to engage in conversation with you often.

3. He respects your boundaries and doesn't pressure you into sex.

If he's committed to you, he won't see a need to rush into anything. When a guy wants to use you for something, like sex, he'll move on quickly, if you don't give in. Also, if he's committed to you he'll want to have sex with you. Whereas, if he's not committed to you, he won't care very much whom he has sex with, making it all the more easy to move on with someone who'll have sex with him. A guy who's committed will respect you for having enough self-respect to stick by your values/boundaries.

4. Your feelings matter to him.

If he's committed, he won't ignore you or try to change the subject when you express your feelings to him. He'll make you feel comfortable with openly expressing your feelings. If he can "read" your emotions he gets a bonus!

5. He's not afraid to tell you and show you how much he loves you.

If he's committed to you, he'll pronounce the "L" word loud and clear. Affection is very important in a healthy committed relationship. There are many different ways a guy can show you he loves you. It all depends on his and your personality and on what you both like. For example, if he's the romantic type and you love flowers, he might opt to send you flowers.

6. He keeps his word.

If he keeps his promises, big and small, it's a good sign that when he says he sees a future with you, he means it. Also, keeping his promises will be his way of showing to you that you can trust him, which is a requirement for a committed relationship to last.

7. He compliments you on your physical and non-physical attributes.

While it feels nice to be complimented on your looks by the guy you are dating, a guy who's committed to you will go a step further and compliment you on your amazing qualities. It's one thing for a guy to want to sleep with a woman who's sexually appealing. But it's a whole other thing for a guy to see a kind woman as the future mother of his children.

8. He shows you off to everybody.

A guy who is committed to you will want everyone to know that you two are together for two reasons. One, he wants other guys to know that you're taken. Two, he's very appreciative and proud to have someone as special as you in his life.

9. He talks about a future with you.

It's important to note that just because a guy says he wants to marry you, it doesn't mean you should take it face value. Guys can say a lot of things to get in your pants (yes, even promise marriage). But if he consistently talks about how many kids he wants to have with you, where your kids will go to school, what your future home will look like, etc., that's a good sign that he's in it for the long run.

Some of the above signs hold more value than others. It's not necessary for a guy to show all of the above signs to demonstrate his commitment. But the more (including signs that aren't mentioned above), the better!

Can You Change A Man?

No. You can only motivate him to do so.

It's a huge and common mistake to think that a woman can change a man. Yet, you can only motivate him to change on his own. And even if a guy takes it upon himself to change, he'll only change so much. That is, certain behaviors and character traits stick with us forever. So, if you are planning to turn a man into your next project, make sure to only focus on those aspects where change is possible.

You may wonder what character traits can I and can't I change in a man? This is a complicated question and it's answer varies according to the individual. But I'll tell you this: if he's always cheating on you, despite how many times you've caught him, he most likely won't stop. Yet, something that he can improve on is his listening skills.

Remember, if he doesn't care about your feelings, he doesn't care about you. If he doesn't care about you, he won't see a reason to commit to you. If he does tell you he cares about you, have him show it on a consistent basis. For you this might mean calling you daily. Whatever it is, make sure his actions back up his words. A guy who truly cares about you, will do whatever it takes to make you happy. He'll want to work on himself to be the best man that he can be. If he cares about you, he'll put in the effort to maintain a healthy relationship with you. This doesn't include avoiding confrontation at all costs. I've had guys ignore my texts and end conversations, as soon as I brought up something hurtful they did/said or something they do that bothers me. Another way men try to avoid confrontation is by telling you something only because they think you want to hear it... Obviously, these guys don't care (despite the claims of one of these men I was dating that he does care about me!). If he truly cares about you, he'll keep on doing the things you like and work on what you don't.

Things can get very tricky when it comes to sex. It's not uncommon that a girl isn't on the same page sexually with the guy she's dating. This can only be resolved through communication. But the point I'm trying to make here is that there's a myth that a woman can get a man to commit through sex. If only she makes sure the sex is amazing or if she messes with his head, sometimes making herself seem interested in him and sometimes not, in hopes of making him desire her more. Or...let's not even go there. If a man only ever invites you for sex, it's very unlikely that it'll ever become something more. Girl, he has your contact info. If he wants to tell you how much he loves you, he knows where to reach you.

Don't convince yourself that you can mold him into the man you want him to be. If he trusts you he'll let you help him be a better man. But let him take the initiative. 

Seven Facts To Soothe The Single Person's Soul

While being in a relationship is great, being single is great too! This article isn't meant to discourage people in relationships but just to boost the morale of sappy singles. I know, you're probably thinking what good is there in being single? Well, let me tell you:

1. You get to focus on you. A sizable portion of your life will be dedicated to others, aka marriage, motherhood/fatherhood, caring for your elderly parents, etc. That is, in these periods of peoples' lives, people tend to devote their time and energy to taking care of others. So you better enjoy your single status while it lasts!

2. You get to focus on other important aspects of your life. Of course, the relational aspect of your life is important but so is your education, career/goals and hobbies. You need to develop various aspects of your life, in order to live a full, healthy and happy one. Also, doing so will allow you to derive meaning from multiple avenues. So focus on becoming a great therapist, for example.

3. You get to have an identity of your own. It's easy to lose yourself in your partnership. It's not uncommon to see couples who are in love spending all their time together, without realizing it's unhealthy. It's important that partners have a nice balance between spending time together and alone (the balance varies depending on the different needs of couples). Nevertheless, each partner should have some separate interests and some different friends. Living in a lovey-dovey bubble with one's partner, removed from the world is unhealthy. Yet, it's easy do get trapped in this bubble when one is in love. One problem with the bubble is that when it's burst, aka, you break up, you don't have an identity/people to fall back on. So don't get caught in the bubble!

4. You get to strengthen your weaknesses. In order to be in a healthy long-term relationship, both partners must put in the effort. Yet, one must work on oneself before attempting to work through the difficulties in a relationship. Being single allows you to work on yourself so that you can be a better partner. For example, it's important for someone with low self-esteem to work through it because if not it can cause major trust issues, jealousy, paranoia, etc. As they say, you must love yourself first before loving someone else.

5. You will less likely give up on love quickly out of fear of getting hurt yet again. While there are many ups in a relationship, there are also many downs. It's easy to focus on the downs, especially if you are a pessimist like myself. An important element of being in a relationship is making yourself vulnerable. Thing is every time you make yourself vulnerable, you are at risk of getting hurt, sometimes badly. While being able to make yourself vulnerable is a great thing, it's also great to take a break from putting yourself in that position. Who doesn't want a break from the fighting, the hurtful words and the inconsiderate actions of one's partner, so imminent in all "normal" relationships?

6. Being single for a while will help make you more appreciative of your partner when he/she comes into your life. It's easy to take our loved ones for granted and to forget to show them appreciation. When you're made to wait a while, especially a really long while for the right person to come into your life, you become all the more grateful for having him/her in your life when they are a part of it. And this will only strengthen your relationship and create a stronger foundation.

7. You have more time to figure out what you want in a partner, hence making you less likely to end up with the wrong person. I'm not saying that if you marry your high-school sweetheart you have made a mistake. What I'm saying is that it takes time for most people to find their soul-mate. Single-hood is a good time to contemplate what you are looking for in a partner/adjust your expectations, whether or not you have been taking the right steps to attract people who emulate this characterization and whether or not you will need to change your behavior, or parts of it in order to find him/her. For example, upon reflection you might decide that you need to work on your listening skills. Not only do you get to contemplate on all that, you get to act upon it too! The sooner you know what you want in a partner, the sooner you can settle down and be happy.

My words of wisdom: Take your time. Figure yourself out first. Settle down slowly. Live and love!

On Learning To Validate My Emotions

Don’t you just hate it when a guy tells you that you’re “over-reacting” or “too emotional” and “you just have to relax”? These words make me feel misunderstood and frustrated. Thing is, we don’t owe an explanation to anyone on why we feel the way we feel. And considering the importance of communication in any sort of relationship, no guy should criticize you for expressing your emotions.

I’m not a confrontational person or the type that gets upset often over trivial matters and it’s frustrating to constantly have my emotions put on trial. Recently, I’ve experienced this on a whole new level with a guy I trusted. I’ll call him “Z”. I met Z, a tourist, at a place I’ve been frequenting for several years now and where I’ve always felt safe. At the end of the night, when I found out that Z was staying in my neighborhood, we decided to walk back together to our respective homes. I had to walk because it was Shabbat and I’m not allowed to take transportation during Shabbat. I thought that I would be safer walking the long walk home, at such a late hour, with someone else but I was wrong. Z and I were passing by a big park (the scariest part of my walk), deep in conversation, when out of nowhere and I mean NOWHERE, he gets close to me and kisses me in a way that made me feel violated. I felt that the way he went about the kiss and his intentions were misplaced (it was very late, I barely knew him, I was alone with him, we weren’t on a date/never dated, etc.). I was shocked by the kiss, as I didn’t sense any sort of attraction/chemistry between us. What makes the kiss even more disrespectful is that this guy barely knows anything about me-what if I have a boyfriend, what if I’m celibate, what if I’m a lesbian…  

I felt very betrayed that someone I trusted could turn on me like that and I told him that what he did was not ok. He tried to defend himself but the more he spoke, the worse I felt. He was telling me that he thought he was helping me live in the moment, by kissing me and he was telling me to “relax”, as he kept trying to kiss me. Z blamed me, telling me that he got signals from me and so I apologized. But in thinking about it, I knew that I was NOT in the wrong. Also, right before we parted ways, Z told me not to tell anyone, which made the situation creepier. If I did indeed keep what happened to myself and repressed my emotions, it would’ve only given him control in deciding how I dealt with my emotions.

As I was trying to make sense of the experience, I found myself questioning my emotions. I was telling myself those dreadful things that guys have told me in the past: “you’re over-reacting”, “you’re too emotional”. In doing this, I was being unfair to myself. There’s nothing rational about emotions and there’s nothing wrong with that. That is, even if I don’t fully understand why I felt the way I felt when Z kissed me, it doesn’t make the way I feel any less normal. Because it doesn’t matter what others think about this situation, what matters is how I, the one who experienced it feels about it. And EVEN IF I was overly emotional, my feelings are still valid. I don’t need to defend my feelings to anyone, or to myself for that matter.

Ladies, NEVER allow a guy to decide how u “should” feel. Accept the way you feel because whatever you feel is valid; don’t ever believe anyone who tells you otherwise. This doesn’t meant that you can express yourself in any way you please (violence is never appropriate, for example) or that you should let your emotions affect your life in a negative way. Keep in mind that emotions are very powerful so don’t work against them, as that will only lead to trouble, sooner or later. And do you really want to be with a guy who tells you that when you’re less emotional, he’ll be willing to talk to you (true story)? We deserve better. We deserve to be with a guy who respects us and our emotions and seeks to make us feel better, instead of criticizing us for feeling the way we feel.

Do Good Things Come To Girls Who Wait?

Not necessarily and here is why. From a young age girls are told to respect themselves and only give themselves up for the “right” man. Yet, I don’t believe that this will necessarily enable a woman to find a good man to settle down with any sooner. While society encourages men to explore their sexuality, women are expected to control theirs. That is, while men can get into casual relationships, without being criticized, the same is often not the case for women. This double-standard may leave women who choose to be in casual relationships feeling guilty.

In addition to this gender inequality, women are basically bombarded with messages that if they have any self-respect they will wait for Mr. Right. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with a woman who dates men who she knows she's not interested being with in the long-term. If she chooses to casually date in her 20s, for example, and only settle down with a guy later in life, that’s ok! Besides, just because a woman chooses to take part in casual relationships, it doesn’t mean that she’s any farther away from finding a marriage partner than is a woman who chooses to hold off sex until she’s in love or feels like she found Mister Right. In fact, it can be argued that in allowing themselves to experiment with their sexuality by casually dating, some women will find Mister Right sooner than some other women who only get into serious relationships, as the former have a bigger picture of what they are looking for in a partner, both sexually and non-sexually.

Further, just because a woman doesn’t wait to fall in love to have sex, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have high standards/boundaries and vice-versa. On the contrary, the opposite could be argued, in that, some women actually learn what their standards/boundaries are by allowing themselves to explore their sexuality. What really matters is that a woman has standards/boundaries and is assertive enough to stand by them. However, being assertive doesn’t come easy to all people. For those women who aren’t assertive, practicing doing so with several men they casually date can be more effective than practicing on fewer guys that they get into serious relationships with.

To conclude, waiting to date Mister Right doesn’t necessarily entail that a woman will have a happier and healthier relationship outcome. Further, just like men are able to explore their sexuality without societal repercussions, so should women. The nature of the relationship a woman chooses to get into (casual, serious, etc.) isn’t what determines whether or not she has standards/boundaries and self-respect. What matters is that she’s assertive enough to stand by her values and standards/boundaries, something that can be practiced by having several casual relationships and which will help her find the man of her dreams all the sooner.

Men Tell All: Do Looks Really Matter?

As requested, I asked men to tell me what's the number one thing that attracts them to a woman. I told them that their answer can involve something physical or something non-physical. I was curious to see how much physical appearance matters to men, when it comes to dating. Here is what men said:

Her looks/body
Three men said that the first thing that attracts them to a woman is her looks/body. The body parts of a woman most attractive to men can be divided into two major categories: their breasts and their bum. One of the men I interviewed clarified why he (and perhaps many other men) focus on these particular body parts. He said that for him, looking at a woman's breasts and bum, causes him to fantasize about making love to her. Yet, another man explained to me that while the first thing that attracts him to a woman is her physical beauty, the spark that this can initially create cannot be maintained by this alone. In the long run, the most attractive qualities to him are knowledge/intelligence, wit and creativity. Similarly, another man said that the quickest way for him to be attracted to a woman is her looks but interestingly enough he did not find the people he had the strongest feelings for very attractive. As long as a guy doesn't make obnoxious comments about your breasts or bum, I say embrace these body parts that make you sensual and feminine. If you are trying to attract some cute guy, don't be shy to wear some nice jeans that emphasize your bum, for example. Of course, this should not be the only thing that you emphasize if you want a serious relationship. Also, you don't have to make an effort to attract any attention to your body, if you are uncomfortable doing so, even if many men are visual. Just know that if you do make an effort, it should be because of a choice YOU made and embrace.

Her face 
Two men told me that it's important to them that the woman they are with has a pretty face. While a woman's body can go through drastic changes, through diet and exercise for example, a woman's face remains more or less the same over the years (considering no dramatic plastic surgery was done). And this is why one man told me that the number one thing he finds attractive in a woman is her face. The other man agreed that a woman can be super fit but without an attractive face he won't be attracted to her. In fact, he rather go out with a chubby girl with an attractive face than a fit girl with an unattractive face. It's important to him that he likes the woman's face because that's what he's going to be waking up to. He couldn't do so with a girl who's face he doesn't like. This makes sense, as a person's face is normally the first thing someone notices and so it plays an important role in attraction.

Her personality
Six men brought up a woman's personality in relation to attraction. One man said "For me it's 80% not physical." To him, humbleness is attractive. Her body language, behavior and the way she smiles/laughs matters too. Another man I interviewed explained to me why a woman's laugh is the most attractive trait to him. He said that people's laughs give him insight into their personality. For example, a softer, higher pitched laugh indicates shyness to him. This man said that he prefers laughs that indicate a confident and outgoing personality. Someone else I interviewed also said that confidence/self-assurance is the most attractive trait in a woman and it comes across through her personality and the way she carries herself. An open-minded woman, who doesn't play games, loves to talk about a range of topics and who's not afraid to speak her mind was also described as attractive. Finally, I was also told that the most appealing thing in a woman is a nurturing character, as it's at the core of femininity and a  nice contrast to a typical man's ruggedness. Despite the different preferences in personality, in order to bond with a partner, a man will have to be able to get along with her/him. Thus, it's important that a man put some focus on the other person's personality and not just the way she/he looks.

So ladies, personality overwhelmingly wins! Plus, the men who said that looks is the first thing they notice, don't necessarily ignore the importance of personality.

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Thanks to the following men for their participation in this article (their initials): BH, BI, DL, JB, JH, ML, MS, MZ, QH, YB   

Women Tell All: What Women Love In A Man And What They Hate

Listen closely men because in the following article I will tell you what women told me they love most and what they hate most that a guy does in the early stages of dating/when getting to know him.

Women love it when you...

Respect her. Respect her boundaries, treat her with dignity and don’t objectify her. For example, don’t pressure her into sex. Also, respect her needs. So, if she needs some space give it to her.

Have good/intellectual conversation with her. Keep her intrigued by showing her that you are intelligent and knowledgeable. Be sure to find out what she likes and dislikes. Listening to her and asking questions will show her you care about what she has to say. It’s important that you respect her opinions and beliefs, which will make her feel accepted by you. Also, be open and make her laugh to put her at ease. Remember, you should both be taking the role of talker and listener.

Pay close attention to the little details. While it’s important to remember the most important things about a woman, it’s especially sweet when a guy remembers the little details. One woman for example told me that she told a guy that she likes white chocolate and so on their next date he brought her white chocolate. How romantic!

Are able to admit that you don’t know something. You don’t have to be a know-it-all to win her heart. In fact, you don’t want to come off as arrogant. It doesn’t make you less of a man to admit that you don’t know something. On the contrary, humility is a very attractive trait.

Text her/call her a lot. But don’t overdo it. Perhaps, a couple of texts throughout the day or even one call a day. This will make her feel that you are thinking about her a lot and that you two are getting closer. Make sure you call her several times throughout the week, as speaking on the phone is more meaningful than texting.

Are direct. Being direct tells a woman that you are transparent, which is very important in a caring and trusting relationship. If there is a problem in the relationship, you want there to be a safe space for your partner to bring it up to you.

Are yourself. Be honest and don’t be afraid to show your true colors.

Are generous. You don’t have to go over the top but there is nothing wrong with spending your money on a woman you really care about!

Are a gentleman. Only some women really appreciate romantic gestures but all want to feel special and loved. So make an effort to make her feel that way. Bring her flowers and/or chocolate, open the door for her, etc. Little things go a long way…

Are flirtatious. Chemistry is very important. Good conversation is not enough. Flirt with her and make her feel beautiful and desired. Show her that you want to be more than just friends…

Are spontaneous. A good way to get a woman’s attention is by being spontaneous. In the beginning when you are dating a woman consider doing something spontaneous. Find out what activities she likes and see if you can come up with a cool date. For example, instead of the standard coffee or drinks, maybe go bowling or to a dance class.

 Women hate it when you…

Play games. If you like her, tell her. Simple as that. It’s cruel to keep her guessing with your mixed messages. Calling a woman all the time, joking with her constantly and spending a lot of time alone with her, is the behavior of a guy who is interested in her. So don’t tell her you just want to be friends when you do all those things. It’s unfair to mislead someone and it’s hurtful. While it’s possible for a man and a woman to be friends, there is a pretty clear line that must not be crossed. One of the women I interviewed told me about this guy who does all the above mentioned things to her and even wrote a song about a girl that seemed to be her and sent it to her. Yet, he said that the song isn’t about her. In the meantime, this woman has feelings for this guy and he keeps on doing things that make her hope that something more than a friendship can develop.

Are not direct. Again, talk about what kind of relationship you are looking for. That is, don’t tell her that you want a serious relationship, when all you really want is to sleep with her. Tell her what you expect from her and ask her what she expects from you. Also, don’t spring important information on her well into the relationship. For example, if you have children let her know right away.  Basically, if you like her tell her, if you don’t, tell her too (or at least if she seems to be getting the wrong message). If you just want to be friends with her tell her.

Are not yourself. Be honest with the woman you are dating right from the get-go. Don’t embellish things about yourself such as how much money you make, how fit you are, etc. Honesty is the best policy. If you lie, it’ll catch up with you sooner or later. Also, you deserve to be with a woman who accepts you for who you are and she deserves the same. Further, don’t pretend to be somebody you aren’t, by either lying that you love what she loves, or telling a woman what you think she wants to hear, just to get another date with her or just to sleep with her.

Talk about yourself too much. Remember, communication involves more than one person talking. Show her that you are interested in her by showing eagerness (not too much too soon, though) to get to know her.

Talk about other women. It’s okay to talk about your female family members but don’t talk about them or other women obsessively. Doing this might make a woman feel less worthy and self-conscious. Focus all of your attention on the woman you are with.

Are clingy/possessive. Don’t text her too much, as to not overwhelm her or look desperate, which is unattractive. Show her that you are not her entire world, although an important part of it. That is, don’t ask her to hang out all the time. It is also important that you let her hang out with her friends and do things without you. In a healthy relationship, you need to give your partner space and it’s important that each partner has an identity outside of the relationship.

Stop calling them and texting them after the first few days or weeks, only to hear from you again later. Be consistent-call and text her on an ongoing basis (within reason, as to not be too clingy/possessive). Also, don’t make her wait FOREVER for your text after a date went well. After a date, you have two days to text her. Best thing is to text her/call her the same day that you went on a date and tell her how much you enjoyed her company, and that you would like to see her again soon, if that is the case. And make sure to follow through. If you are not interested, let her know or completely stop contacting her but don’t text her every couple of weeks.

So, men (and women) what do you think?

Thanks to the following women for their participation in this article (their initials): AR, BC, CM, DD, EC, EG, HD, JG, SH, VL, ZG

                                                         

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Men Tell All: Signs That A Guy Likes You

As requested, I asked men to give me tips on how a girl can know that a guy is interested in her. Here is what they said:

It’s complicated. Love is not straightforward and so it’s not always easy to tell that a guy is interested in you. Guys don’t always know how to express their interest in a girl and the reasons vary: nervousness, fear of rejection, shyness, feeling that they are not good enough for the girl, etc. Fear of rejection keeps many men from pursuing a love interest. It’s easy to think that guys are supposed to be “the man” in the situation and ask the girl out, without fearing rejection. But men are humans too and just like girls they don’t want to face the consequences of being rejected. Also, a guy’s actions might contradict what you expect from a guy that’s into you. For example: while some guys will engage in conversation with you, other guys might avoid you or act weird around you. Similarly, while some men will waste no time in asking you out, other men will take some time. Love makes us act in strange ways. So don’t jump to conclusions! Be patient and time will tell…

Verbal Communication. A guy who is interested in you will engage in conversation with you and ask follow-up questions, as to keep the conversation flowing and smooth. He will ask you for your opinions on things, about yourself, what your interests are and will listen to what you have to say.

Non-verbal communication. Body language is a non-verbal way for a guy to show interest in you. For example, he acts nervous and shy around you. Or, he acts differently around you than he does around his friends. Also, a guy who is interested in you will try and steal glances of you. He’ll touch you occasionally in a friendly, non-invasive way, which is a way of telling you he wants to be close to you. In fact, it may be hard for some guys to verbally express their feelings to you and so they might gently reach for your hand instead, while you happen to be engaged in a nice conversation.  

He puts in a lot of time and energy to show you he cares about you. The guy makes an effort to spend time with you and cherishes the moments you share.  If he doesn’t put in the time then he’s just not that into you. If he’s interested in you, he’ll concern himself with your needs, even placing yours before his and he’ll treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve. While many girls are attracted to bad or “bad” boys, myself included, a guy who likes you will be nice to you.   

He makes an effort to get along with your friends. Good friends have each other’s backs and it’s important in any healthy relationship that your partner gets along with your friends. When a girl really likes a guy she normally wants her friends to like him too. This means that a guy who is interested in you will try and get the thumbs up from your friends. If your friends like him, they will support your relationship with him. If he is really nice to your friends he is probably really into you.

He tries to impress you. Not only will he show you off to everybody (even if this means introducing you as a friend for the time being), he will also try to impress you. Yes, he might want to impress you with how successful he is in life but also with things that emphasize his caring and nurturing character. This includes telling you about all his volunteer experiences and how much he loves kids. Further, simple acts of kindness can go a long way. For example, always making himself available to help you with whatever you need.  Another way of impressing you would be through humor. Many women find humor to be very attractive. A guy who is truly interested in you will want to do whatever he can to make you happy! 

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Thanks to the following men for their participation in this article (their initials): B-H, BI, DR, JB, MC, MS, MZ, NC, QH, YB

5 Tell-Tale Signs That The Guy You Are Dating Is Into You

1.  You speak on a weekly basis. A guy who cares about you will want to know how you are doing on a regular basis. This means that you both talk about what is happening in your respective lives and ask the other person about his/her’s. Your partner texting you once in a blue moon is not enough. If that is the case, he probably just sees you as some girl he can hook up with. Basically, meaningful conversations between you and your partner and weekly updates on your lives are very important in a committed relationship.
2. He compliments you and tells you he loves you. Now, I don’t mean over-complimenting you but he should be giving you compliments, both on physical and non-physical attributes. A guy who is both attracted to you physically and emotionally is a guy who is interested in you. Of course, telling you “I love you” regularly shows how much he thinks of you.
3. He doesn’t lie to you and keeps his word. When a guy doesn’t feel comfortable enough to tell you the truth or simply couldn’t care less, it says a lot about how he feels about you. In an open and genuine relationship, proper communication is made possible. As for keeping his word, this one is especially important to me. Not only does it say a lot about his character but it also says a lot about how much he cherishes you. A guy who makes many promises but doesn’t keep them and consistently lets you down, is a guy who doesn’t care enough about you.
4. He listens to you and respects your needs. When you bring up a problem in the relationship to the guy, he listens and works with you on fixing it. When a guy brushes you off, telling you he doesn’t want to talk about “feelings” or gets mad at you for always bringing up problems, he is the problem, not you. It is also important that the guy respects your boundaries and doesn’t try to pressure you into anything. As being in a relationship is hard work and involves a lot of communication, both partners must be willing to put in the effort. Otherwise, the relationship is likely to fail.
5. He is patient and kind to you. A guy who is patient is a guy who sticks by your side when you are in a bad mood and tries to lift your spirits, with a nice massage, a hug, a movie, or whatever it takes.  He doesn’t start a fight with you over the smallest of things. Two wrongs don’t make a right and so trying to get back at you, instead of talking things through is not the right approach to take. Kindness too is important, as it demonstrates the guy’s respect for you and your happiness.

There are many ways that a guy can express his love for you. The ones mentioned in this article are some important ones.

“Sorry” Is Not Necessary for Closure

Isn’t it really annoying when guys won’t say “sorry” after they’ve wronged you? I used to think that if only I reasoned with them, they would get on their hands and knees and beg to get me back…Ok, not quite like that but I thought that it was at least important that guys realize they hurt me. For example, if a guy plays me by acting interested for a while and then rejects me when I finally tell him I’m interested, I want the guy to apologize to me for humiliating me in such a manner.  Yet, in my experience men almost never apologize to me and if they do it’s questionable whether or not they mean it. Further, instead of apologizing to me guys tend to accuse me of being too sensitive, dramatic, always being angry with them, etc. Excuse me, I’m none of those things! I have a high moral standard and I expect the same from the men I date. I’m all about mutual respect in a relationship: I respect your feelings and needs and you respect mine. Seems simple and fair but I’m consistently being hurt by guys who can’t admit they were in the wrong or simply don’t even think so.

The fact that I’m a fixer doesn’t help. When there is a problem I want to solve it and move on, including when it comes to relationships. I’ve learned though that many guys who consistently hurt women don’t care about their feelings and that’s why they are able to do so without apologizing. To me when one person hurts someone else it’s common sense to apologize but not everyone sees it that way and that is a very tough life lesson that I’ve learnt. Thing is, it’s important to be able to move on, even without an apology. You can’t control what comes out of anyone’s mouth so don’t expect men to apologize. If you do you are only impeding yourself from moving past the difficult situation. It’s normal if you cringe every time you see that mean guy but you must control your emotions and not let them take over your entire being. The best thing that you can do for yourself is keep in mind that you deserve better than to harbour that hate inside you. Be strong, move on and be happy!  

On Learning To Say “No”

I think saying “no” to a guy is the hardest thing for me in a relationship. I don’t like conflict and I try to avoid it, even when I have a price to pay. Further, I tend to put my partner’s needs before mine to keep him satisfied. I convince myself that I “want” what he wants and that I “should” do it, although I feel extremely uncomfortable. It’s happened several times to me where a guy tries to have sex with me and I just sort of go along with it. While my mind is screaming “no” my lips remain shut and my body goes along with the motions….It’s very hard to explain, let alone make sense of it myself. What really upsets me is how some of these guys are unable to read my body language or simply ignore it. When a guy sees that I’m acting nervous or uncomfortable then they should ask me why this is so or back off. Instead, my silence is taken as a green light by the guy. Despite all this, I would say that I’m generally a pretty assertive person and I always speak my mind. So it’s all the more strange that I end up in these sort of situations too often. I struggle between being assertive and being that person that avoids conflict.

While I don’t want to cause conflict between my partner and I, I’ve learned that one must take care of his/her own needs, even if this may cause others to be unhappy. Not only do we owe it to ourselves to take care of our own needs, we also owe it to our partner.  If our needs are not met then eventually the relationship will deteriorate, as we will be unhappy. Additionally, if our partner really cared about us, he/she would appreciate that we have the self-worth to take care of our needs and will be inclined to satisfy them too. Someone who doesn’t bother with our needs, is someone who doesn’t care about us. Even if the relationship is casual, our partner should have our needs, even if only physical, in mind. For example, if our partner is only concerned about his/her own pleasure during sex, than he/she is being selfish and we deserve better than being with a selfish person! I mean, telling our partner that our needs are not being met, might lead him/her to act upon them. But if our partner remains selfish then it’s probably best to move on.

Basically, we must communicate with our partner in order to be able to satisfy each other’s needs. If communication doesn’t help then it shows a lack of concern for the dignity and care of the other person. If our partner doesn’t care, it’s best to be dignified and move on.