On Letting Go

No one wants their heart broken and most people don't enjoy breaking hearts either. It's difficult to let go of someone you trusted, opened yourself up to and shared intimate details with. Also, the thought of having to go through all that again with someone else can be very scary. So we tend to stay longer than we should in relationships with people who aren't right for us. Yet, letting go is crucial for getting us closer to the right person.

Ask yourself this: would you rather be alone or with someone but feel alone? Let me explain. Would you rather use the time that you're single to focus on improving yourself, advancing in your life and discovering yourself? Or would you rather be with someone for the mere reason of not being alone but feel detached from he/she? Of course, neither option is ideal but these are the two options we are sometimes faced with.

Staying with someone who you fell out of love or were never in love with isn't a good feeling. The constant turmoil within you for not knowing how/when to end things and the turmoil between you and your partner keeps on building. The greater the buildup of negative feelings, the more likely things are to end bad. Negative feelings towards your partner don't just go away with the flick of your fingers. Instead, they can subside if you face them. Facing your feelings means acknowledging you have them and dealing with them accordingly. Sometimes the best way to heal is removing yourself from the unhealthy relationship. So if you know you've given your partner many chances and nothing has changed, it's probably time to move on.

Instead of focusing all your energy on the wrong person, save it for the right one. All that time that you're stuck in a relationship in which you're unhappy, you're expending your energy on disagreements between you and your partner, on your misery and on false hope for things to somehow work out. Relationships take a lot of energy and hard work so why not spend it on someone who you actually like?

The more time you invest in a relationship which doesn't feel right to you, the more energy you expend on the wrong person. And perhaps the more time you'll need to recuperate. So as hard as it may be, once you see that things are not improving in your relationship, it's best to get out of it immediately. The longer you wait to get out, the harder it'll be when you finally do. Being with someone is something most of us desire but "someone" does not mean anyone.

On Compromise

Compromise is key to a healthy relationship but that doesn't mean compromising your values and all your expectations away. It's important to strike a balance between compromising and sticking by your values and most highly held expectations.

When two people have different desires and needs, compromise is needed. For example, your partner might want to have sex more often, while you want him/her to make more time for you. Instead of arguing over this, the two of you should consider giving to your partner what he/she needs, in order to in turn have your own needs met. After all, like you, your partner has expectations and unless you can find a way to fulfill both of your needs, your relationship isn't likely to succeed.

Sometimes you'll have to compromise to keep both you and your partner happy. Compromise is give and take; you give something to your partner, in order to get something from him/her in return. It gets difficult at times, as it requires going out of our your way to find some middle ground with someone. However, it's worth it in the long run, with the right person and as long as it doesn't require you to give up what's most important to you.

Compromising with limits is necessary in a relationship, as it allows you to take care of your partner's needs, while staying true to who you are.

What To Do When He/She Doesn't Text/Call Back Or Does So Late

That feeling when he/she doesn't text/call you back or does so late...The frustration, anger, sadness, etc. And I'm not talking about a person who does this occasionally but someone who does it consistently. Here are some things to consider in this situation.

Ask him/her if he's/she's busy. It's best to give him/her the benefit of the doubt, before immediately jumping to conclusions. There may be a good reason why he/she isn't answering you. There may be a simple solution too. For example, if your schedules are different, you would have to find a time where you can both talk. If the person is interested in you they will be willing to do this, even if it means going out of his/her way. Yet, it's important to recognize the difference between a person who is actually busy, with work for example, versus someone who chooses to occupy his time with people other than you and activities that don't involve you. Of course, it's very important for an individual to have his/her own friends and activities but once in a couple it's also important to shift things around to make time for the other person.

Focus on the content of the texts/phone calls. First, you want to look for indications that the person is actually interested in you. Doing this based on the content of texts can be difficult, less so with the content of phone conversations. Texts are very susceptible for misunderstandings because of the lack of tone, eye contact, gestures, etc. Nevertheless, there are still things to look out for. Focus on what he/she is saying. For instance, "hey babe, so sorry for not answering sooner. I was really busy. How is your day going?" sounds much better than "too busy to talk". There are several differences. The first reply is open-ended, shows regret for not having replied sooner and displays interest in your day. The second reply does none of these.

Focus on the person's actions. People have many different ways of showing interest. See how often, if at all, he/she asks you out/is willing to go out with you. After all, a big indicator that a person is interested in you is wanting to be with you regularly. If he/she takes things from texting/phone calls to in-person dates on a regular basis, he's/she's showing you interest through action. Also look out for body language. For example, does he/she come close to you when you speak? Another thing that can be a good indicator of a person's interest in you is whether or not they do/give you nice things. Does he/she show an eagerness to help you when in need? Does he/she give you soup, when you're sick?

While it's worth giving people who tend to not call/text you back, or tend to do so in an untimely manner a chance, it's also not worth investing your time, emotions and energy into someone who will not give you what you need. So clarify things for yourself by following my above suggestions.

Ready Or Not

When is the right time to kiss/be intimate with the guy you are dating? Even if the guy gives you as much time as you need, should you still wait a minimum (or maximum) amount of time? The answer is not as straightforward as it seems and in the following post, you'll see why.

You go out for coffee with a guy and you hit it off. You two end up talking for hours and at the end of the date, the guy says he'd like to see you again. You end up meeting again a few days later and as last time, things go really well. With the hours flying by, you feel more and more attracted to the guy. Then you have a special moment... and he leans in for the kiss. What do you do? Or, what would you like to do? Kiss him, as you feel a connection and you want to seize the moment? Or gently turn away because you feel it's too soon?

After having taken a break from dating and made a decision to only get physical with a guy if I really like him, I'm struggling to find a balance between going with the flow and being aware and mindful of my dating choices. I've done so much reflection to the point of overthinking things and in a sense trying to control and perfect every little detail related to dating: how much do I have to like the guy to kiss him, will I ever feel ready to take things to a physical level or is it just a matter of getting comfortable with the guy once I become physical? I mean my goal isn't to be in love before I get physical with a guy. However, I want something that'll last and I want to be in a healthy, caring relationship.

I wish I could stop myself from overthinking love but I feel helpless. I've rationalized something that isn't rational. I've become obsessed with making the "right" choice, as to not get hurt once again. Even to the point of being in constant "beware of jerks" motion, trying to stop myself from falling for another jerk. I do this by comparing actions of current guys to guys from my past, trying to find similar patterns. This only makes me more judgmental of the guys I'm getting to know, causing me to trust less, which goes hand in hand with loneliness. I feel helpless getting out of this tangled mess. I want to trust. I want to love and most of all I want to be free of these restraints...The question is how?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Let me know in the comments/ask for advice section

A Boundless Kind Of Love

My number one wish for myself is to be happy and find serenity in my life. Unfortunately, I repeatedly find myself in the same sticky situations, which prevent me from fulfilling this wish. And these situations all have one thing in common...they all involve men!

Why does our happiness depend so much (if not almost entirely) on being in love or with someone? And why do we cry endlessly when a guy we like breaks our heart, leads us on, or hurts us? Why does inspiration to write this blog post have to come from yet another negative experience with a guy? It's so easy to tell ourselves that we give up on love, that we won't give our hearts (and maybe body) away so easily... But how many times do we fall into this same trap again and again and again? And we can't be blamed really. It's so hard to "restrain" our hearts from falling for the next guy.

Sure, many of us find meaning and happiness in other people and things in our lives. But it's easy to forget all these other people and things while in pain over a guy. It's sad how we are designed to reminisce over what we lost and forget what we didn't. Yet, as much as we try, it's practically impossible to rationalize our emotions. And making sense of our emotions and channelling them in healthy ways can take years to learn. It's not as simple as telling ourselves "we are not right for each other so let me move on". It's more like "whyyyyyyyy".

The best we can do is accept the fact that we can't control everything in life. Shit happens. And sometimes we are defenseless. But this vulnerability is what makes us human. In accepting our helplessness, we are in a good place to learn from these negative experiences and all the closer to finding someone who is good to us. We can't control what happens to us but we can control how we deal with it and how much we let it affect us. No matter how deep the stab, the heart heals. The heart has a boundless supply of love. Whether we choose to make use of it is up to us...