Dear Diary (Week 1)

Dear Diary,

I've noticed something interesting, as a single woman. Being on my own doesn't bother me as much as not being with someone. Let me explain. I can manage being on my own. Even more than manage, I seem better off. That is not to say that I shall forever be single. I assume that when the right man walks into my life, I'll be better off with him, than without. Yet, that man has yet to come. If he hasn't come, why do I hate being alone and avoid it as vehemently as I do?

While I can't say that men are the direct  and only cause of my angst, I can say that they're the indirect and a big cause of it. I know that I'm the only one who can decide how I feel but feelings aren't rational. That is, sometimes (or perhaps, oftentimes in my case), people just get to me. In such times, I feel powerless in stopping someone else's actions/behaviors upset me. I've come a long way in being less reactive and keeping calm, when guys upset me but there are jerks who piss me off and bring the worst out of me. I've put up with so much to the point of telling myself that I'm better off being single than being with some of the guys I've dated. But the dread of being alone overpowers my frustrations of being with these guys.

I put so much emphasis on having a partner in order to feel fulfilled that when I don't, I don't know how to deal with that overwhelming sense of emptiness. For much of my singlehood, all I could think about was finding that special someone. While these constant thoughts and intense desires have lessened, I'm uncomfortable with the knowledge that I'm single, to this day. I find it sad how the knowledge of being single bothers me more than the actual experience.

Another reason for my hardship with coping with singlehood is watching many of my peers getting engaged. It's a constant reminder of my failed relationships. As a perfectionist, I've always struggled with accepting my failures. Additionally, having experienced positive emotions when crushing on a guy and dating someone I like, even if only short-term, I find it hard to find other ways to feel just as good (or better).

The most important reason for my hardship with coping with singlehood is this gaping hole that I have in my heart, causing me to feel like something is missing. Now I'm not sure how I associated it to love but without it I feel incomplete. Maybe it's the human need of belonging. That is, my need to be with someone who accepts me, values me and loves me unconditionally. You know, the ultimate bond like no other...

Love,
Faigy