Dear Diary (Week 2)

Dear Diary,

Maybe I'm not meeting great guys because maybe I'm giving off negative vibes. That is, maybe my negative vibes discourage nice guys from approaching me. Or, maybe my vibes indicate to guys that I'm not looking for a relationship. But I want that to change so when guys talk to me, I make an extra effort to smile and be friendly.

I'm reserved and I don't tend to reach out to people. I usually let people, especially guys introduce themselves to me first. But once they introduce themselves to me, I'm friendly. Maybe a lot of guys are intimidated to introduce themselves to me, out of fear of rejection. And that's just sad because I'm actually nice. I just wish I was given the chance to prove that.

My awkwardness and social anxiety don't help. I tend to stick to my friends, at parties and events. Is it up to me to go up to guys and talk to them? Thing is, I want to be with a guy who has the guts to start a conversation with me. After all, I want to be with a guy that compliments me. That is, a guy who's more outgoing than me. It would be problematic to be with a guy who's as awkward and as reserved as me.

If my vibes indicate to guys that I'm not interested in being in a relationship, what else can I do to change that? After all, I'm just being myself. I used to be way more shy and very unconfident. I've worked so hard on myself and I've come a very long way. Yet, something is not adding up because I'm still struggling to find a good match.

I admit I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship, at this point in my life. But if I will meet a guy who's nice and a good match, I'd give him a chance. I have trust issues in men and maybe men sense it and so stay away from me. But don't I deserve to be with a guy who's willing to earn my trust? I on my end am willing to give guys a chance to prove their trustworthiness to me.

One thing's for certain. I must continue working on my mindset. I have a lot of negativity and doubts associated to love. While I believe in lasting love and hope that I'll experience it one day, I can't really picture what it would look like for me. But in my defense, I've never come close to it. So why should I be able to envision being in love with someone?

Basically, I feel stuck. I want to be myself but I don't know how to do that and give out "better" vibes. I try so hard to be more outgoing, as to make guys more comfortable approaching me. I'm working so hard on changing my mindset and being more positive about love, despite all my negative experiences, as to attract positivity in return. I want guys to want to bask in my positivity. I want to be happy so that I can share my happiness with a good guy... It's a never ending cycle that involves me giving off positive energy so that I can attract positive energy, in return.

Love,
Faigy