Inside The Mind Of A Hopeful Pessimist

I'm a hopeful pessimist. This means no matter how many negative experiences with dating I had, I believe that there must be someone out there who will be a good match for me. Also, I'm realistic, including when it comes to love. I tend to focus on the difficulties involved in being in a relationship but am hopeful that I will find someone who will work through them with me.

In dating, I have become more realistic in terms of what to expect when it comes to relationships. I don't only think of the good aspects, I also think of the challenges. I think of the hard work it takes to be with someone else, the compromises and the commitment. Being in a relationship is being in a unit: you make important decisions together, you have to give up on certain things to get others and you can't just give up on your partner when times are rough, before trying to work through things.

I think about how mundane relationships can get. When things are new, things are exciting. However, things don't stay new forever. Eventually, you get into a routine with your partner. You become bothered by their bad habits and you realize that they aren't as perfect as you thought. When you first started dating, you couldn't bear being apart from him/her but now you sometimes find yourself annoyed by his/her presence. Once you've been together for a while, the lovey-dovey phase is replaced with reality.

I want to have a deep, meaningful connection with someone special. I want to feel close to someone. However, I don't want to feel distant, when I get to know the person. The lovey-dovey stuff prevents people from seeing their partners for who they truly are, as their heads are in the clouds. It causes people to minimize the negatives and exaggerate the positives. This becomes bad when people start pushing aside serious issues within their relationship, to be able to convince themselves that the relationship is right for them, when it's not. People will do a lot to stay in a relationship, even if they're better off single. Yet, there's no point pretending that the person they're with is right for them.

I want to be in love. I want to find that person who understands me, appreciates me and cherishes me. However, I also don't want to live a lie. I choose not to be blinded by love because I don't want to be blind-sided when my partner's true colors come out. I choose not to give my heart out to a man I don't know very well because I don't want to be let down when I do get to know him. I choose to use my head and my heart when it comes to love because I need to both think and feel in order to make the love last. Love is not to be taken for granted. We must follow our hearts, without leaving our heads behind. Appreciate the positives and recognize the negatives. Be hopeful enough to persevere in finding our match but not desperate enough to settle.

Angry But Hurting

Anger is a unique emotion. Unlike many other emotions, it's not always as it appears to be on the outside. Anger often covers up our pain. Sometimes, we don't know how to deal with all the pain we've experienced properly so we repress our emotions. Eventually, our emotions become too much to handle and burst into a fit of anger.

When we're angry, we feel powerful. When we're sad, we feel vulnerable. Anger allows us to re-imagine situations and our roles in them. When someone takes advantage of us, we can re-imagine the same situation, where we didn't "allow" that to happen. On the other hand, sadness forces us to confront what happened to us and deal with the hurt.

When we're hurt, we feel ashamed. Whether we realize it or not, we may blame ourselves for things that happened to us. We ask ourselves: Why did I trust him? Why wasn't I more assertive? Some of our anger towards ourselves may be inadvertently directed outwards. We might say: "Men are jerks/women are untrustworthy."

When we're angry, we feel protected. This is because we've placed all these barriers around us, keeping the bad men/women out. Of course, this also keeps the good men/women out but we don't trust them either. Keeping our heart guarded is way easier than opening it up. When it's guarded, we aren't taking the risk of getting hurt again.

While facing our pain involves looking inwards, anger causes us to deflect from the real issue. To heal we must face our pain. We must break down the barriers of our hearts and feel. That is, validate our own feelings and stop criticizing ourselves for how we feel. At the same time, we must learn to accept our past. When we allow ourselves to feel and put our past behind us, we're ready to let go.

We may not even realize that we're deeply hurt, as what we sense is anger. Yet, anger is superficial, while pain runs deep. That is, it's easier to be angry than hurt, as the latter requires us to be vulnerable, while the former makes us feel powerful. The choice is ours: do we move on or do we stay stuck in the past? Moving on is more difficult but so much better in the long run. Making the decision to move on is a gift we ought to give ourselves.

Single But Not Sad

It may feel like time is passing you by as you're anxiously awaiting  that special someone. Your peers may be getting engaged/married, while you feel like you're so far away from that point. Instead of spending your time feeling sorry for yourself for being alone, utilize that time to figure out who you are, what you want in life and what you're looking for in a partner.

It's easier and best to do self-reflection while you're still single. You can't know when your time will come but what you can do is be a productive single. A productive single is someone who focuses his/her energy on self-discovery and self-improvement. You can also work on your relationship with yourself. Once you learn to love yourself, you'll not only let your partners love you but you'll also expect them to do so.

It's easier to do some self-reflection when you're single for several reasons. First, it's easy to ignore the bad and focus on the good, when you're really into someone. This is problematic when you've put aside what's important to you in a relationship just to stay in one. Second, it's hard to leave a relationship, when you've invested a lot in your partner. By the time you realize that you're not right for each other, you might already be comfortable with the person. However, just because you feel good with your partner, it doesn't mean he's/she's right for you. Lastly, you may find yourself settling, to make things work with your partner. Yet, once you settle, you're no longer true to yourself-your desires, your goals and expectations of your partner. This doesn't mean that you should stay single. It means you should take the time to figure out who you are and what you want in a partner before getting involved with someone.

While you're single, focus on being the best you. Instead of focusing so much on finding someone, focus on your goals. This way, when the right person comes into your life, you'll be in a good place. If you have things to work out emotionally, do it while you're single. When you're in a healthy place in your life, you'll be ready for a healthy relationship.

When You're "Too Nice"

In dating, I realized that being a "nice girl" has negative consequences. While I'm pretty assertive, I often find myself in vulnerable situations. Problem is, I either protect my heart too much or I open my heart up too easily. And when I open my heart up early on, I get hurt. From experience, I learned that finding a balance between the two is crucial for not feeling broken after things end.

On one hand, holding back too much will cause the person you're dating to distance himself/herself from you. On the other hand, getting comfortable with him/her too soon is taking an unnecessary risk of getting hurt. You don't know the person well enough to decide that he/she has the right intentions/is good for you. Another difficulty of being "too nice" to the people you date is that they might not reciprocate. You might find yourself giving all the compliments, making all the effort and all the (little) sacrifices. The lack of reciprocity might make you feel unappreciated and/or taken advantage of.

It feels weird to control your level of niceness. It's important to be nice in general but when it comes to dating, people can confuse your kindness for weakness and for clinginess. For example, a man who's very nice might often feel rejected and ignored. And a woman in a non-serious relationship, who's very nice might be mistaken to be clingy. Therefore, be nice but hold back a little. With time, if you still like the person, open your heart to him/her. The key is to do it a steady pace.

Just because being "too nice" has negative consequences, it doesn't mean you should be distant from your partner. It's hard to open your heart to someone, when you've been hurt in the past. But for a strong partnership, there must be giving and taking by each person. If you give too much too soon and the person doesn't reciprocate, you'll be left feeling unsatisfied/unhappy. But if you don't open your heart at all and remain distant, your partner will be the one left feeling unsatisfied/unhappy. Give a piece of your heart to a person you care about but don't lay your heart out on the table before you really know and trust the person.