Dear Diary (Week 7),

Is it true that the heart wants what it wants? Should we always follow our heart, when it comes to love? And can we rewire our brain to have our heart desire what's best for us?

The heart is irrational and instinctual, as it's emotion-based. If something brings us temporary/superficial happiness, we're inclined to continue pursuing it, as it feels good. But the head can assess a situation and decide if something needs to change. Basically, the heart goes after what feels good and the head what seems right. For a long time, I had a problem of wanting to be with players, even if I knew they weren't right for me. This left me with a choice: do I continue going for guys that my heart wants or do I go for guys I think are right for me?

It took me time and experience to figure out that the image I've created of the "perfect" man for me, or my type, is not what I need. I'm not saying that I need the complete opposite kind of guy but that I need to be more open-minded. I think we're able to choose to a certain extent who we want to like and not just remain helpless to our hearts. I still struggle between what I want and what I need. But I think I have more chances of a relationship working out, if I go with my head. I try to make most of my decisions using my head as a guide. Why should love be any different?

It's definitely important to listen to our hearts, when it comes to love. It's important to stay in tune with how we feel, when we're with the other person. But it doesn't mean we should follow our hearts. That is, we may feel good with a person but it doesn't mean they're right for us. When a person allows their heart to tell them who to love, they are prey to loving blindly. That is, they first decide that they like a person (for no particular reason, necessarily). Then, they affirm their positive impression of the person by only focusing on their good qualities. It's OK to think highly of a person one is interested in but it's important to remain realistic.

I don't trust my heart, when it comes to love. Again, I say that out of experience. Sometimes I like guys, even if I really don't want to. Love is overpowering. Love can give us the impression that we're helpless. But as rational, responsible beings, why should we settle for what our heart wants? Just because our heart wants something, doesn't mean that it's meant for us. Now that I'm giving guys that aren't always my type a chance, I'm trying to see if my heart can follow my head instead. This way, maybe I can rewire my brain to go not just after what my heart wants but also what I need.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 6),

I'm at a loss. I don't know how to feel, act or what to think anymore. Men constantly judge me for the way I am and for my opinions. I'm misunderstood. It really sucks but I learned to just keep on being myself because I'm always going to be in the "wrong" anyways.

I've been "accused" of being a feminist, too emotional and even bipolar, by men who barely know me. I don't really care what others think of me but I don't find it fair that men who don't really know me judge me. It's also discouraging because if guys keep on judging me to be all the wrong things I'm not, how am I ever going to find someone?

I recognize that I have vices but I'm working on improving myself as a person. I'm indeed a very emotional person, sometimes too emotional. But I'm working hard on managing my emotions. Besides, on many occasions when I get accused of being too emotional, I'm actually not. I'll call a guy out when he offends me. That's not a good reason to call me too emotional.

I truly feel that my personality is what's mainly keeping me from meeting a great guy. I know I'm a nice person but maybe I give off a different impression. It seems that men find me to be too opinionated, intense, straightforward, etc. Basically, I'm judged for being too much me.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 5),

Do you ever meet couples who've been together for a long time (15ish years+)? Or, old couples who are together and really in love? Do you think "I wish that was me"? Well, I sometimes do and I sometimes don't.

This sounds bad but the thought of being with someone for the rest of my life makes me sad. Yes, sad. In part because finding the one at my young age makes me look at the years ahead as long and as boring. Even if I'm in looove with the guy, I'm not sure I can remain happy with the very same guy all these years. I also worry about the mundanity of marriage and my ability to cope with it. It's funny I feel this way because normally I like structure. But I hate how there's such a structure to love. That is, once you reach a certain age, you get married, have kids, raise your kids, become grand-parents and help out with the grand-children. I'm not saying that this isn't what I want but that it saddens me to think of my future as falling into this rigid pattern.

I want to be married but I want to be free. Many may argue that marriage should not make you feel suffocated but at a certain point one must admit that you lose a lot of freedom. It could be said that it's worth it, as you gain other things in exchange to your freedom. But I'm not convinced it's so worth it. Once you have a family, you must include the others in your decisions, oftentimes. You must make sacrifices, in sake of your family and put up with others' habits (for example: I'm neat and quiet but what if others in my family are messy and loud?). I'm willing to compromise and work towards a solution to make home comfortable for all members of the family. I'm just saying it's not always such an easy task so I'm not super eager to have to go through it. I love the idea of love. You know, the whole falling in love phase and two people loving one another unconditionally. I also love the happiness it supposedly brings into one's life. But all these love expectations create an illusion of what love is supposed to be like. I'm not a hater (of love), I'm just a realist.

I wish I could find someone special with whom I can spend time with and be intimate with. But the whole "I'm going to be with you forever" scares me. There's too much pressure to make the right choice. This is why I wanted a friends with benefits relationship. A friend who'll treat me right inside and out (pun intended). Unfortunately, guys NEVER understand what I need or they just don't care. Usually, when I attempt to have a friends with benefits relationship, the guy is pretty much just interested in having sex. I want to be friends with a guy, talk to him (even if it's not super personal) and feel comfortable around him. I've been told several times that it doesn't exist. That it's casual or serious. But I feel like it does. I just haven't found it (yet?). Besides, as I always say, there must be some guy out there who sees friends with benefits relationships like I do.

Being in a friends with benefits relationship is easier than being married. I'm not looking for the easy way out because sometimes the more difficult way is the better way. I just don't see marriage (the more difficult way) as being better suited for me at this point in time. I want to get married to someone who makes the hard work worth it. Also, love is falsely portrayed in so many ways, such as being the end to one's loneliness. But it's possible to feel lonelier when with someone. Love can also be mundane. I'm more than willing to find the beauty in the mundane aspect of marriage, I'm just scared to take the leap at this point in time.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 4),

Here's a poem I wrote.

A Dreamy Kind Of Love

Love is the beat of my heart
and the smell of a fresh start.
Love is music to my ears
and candy to my sweet tooth.

Love is a smile on my face
and the excitement in my voice.
Love is the sparkle in my eyes and the butterflies in my stomach.

Love is what keeps my body grounded
and what uplifts my soul.
Love is comfort to my loneliness
and what isolates "us" from the world.
Love is the quench to my thirst
and leaves me begging for more.

Love is clarity to obscurity
and the power of beleif.
Love is my dream.
I want to wake up.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 3)

Dear Diary,

I have mixed feelings about meeting the one. I want to be truly deeply in love with someone but at the same time I feel like it's not my time. In addition to my mixed feelings, I'm dating guys who I clearly don't have a future with, bringing me further away from the one. And my fear of being in love doesn't help.

Maybe it's not the right time in my life for me to meet him. I wish it was but things aren't always as we wish. I have come such a long way, in terms of personal growth but I have a long path left to go. I want to be a better me, in meeting "the guy". So when I meet him he'll add to my identity and life rather than consisting of its entirety. Similarly, I must be in a good place in my life to be able to build a healthy foundation to our relationship.

I will be the first to admit that my choices in men aren't the greatest. I've often chosen players over nice guys. However, I'm so tired of the players that I started giving guys who I thought were nice a chance. Unfortunately, even these guys hurt me and they weren't as nice as I thought.

Finally, love is scary because there's a risk of pain, disappointment and rejection. I've been hurt so often already. How much more can I take?! Maybe my fear of love is getting in the way from my happiness with someone special. My heart desires love but my mind messes with me...

Love,
Faigy