Dear Diary (Week 29),

Today is my birthday. Not too happy about turning a quarter of a century because I haven’t accomplished as much as I would have liked to. One of my unaccomplished “goals” is never having experienced a healthy, loving relationship. While I don’t want to celebrate my age, I do want to celebrate new beginnings.

My main goal this year is to put myself in situations outside of my comfort zone. While I always seek to grow, I don’t always act upon it as much as I could. Meaning, I’m always on the lookout for new opportunities at work to higher myself but I don’t put in the same effort in my love life. I want to break my own barriers that are keeping me from meeting someone great.

When it comes to social situations, I seek to make things as comfortable as possible. I seek to be around friends and in environments I’m  familiar with. Sticking to friends and putting myself in familiar environments keeps me from meeting new people. Comfort is my excuse for sticking to my old ways. It’s what’s keeping me stuck.

I want to feel sexy and I don’t just mean in a physical sense. I want to feel like a woman who’s  got her love life under control. I want to feel like a woman who’s been through a lot but who’s still found the courage to push through and overcome her difficulties in finding love. I must match my effort in finding that special someone with the desire I have for that to happen. I deserve a great man in my life because I’m a great woman.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 28),

It kills me how a man can change colours from one moment to the next. You build a trusting friendship with him, speak over the course of months/years and one day he just completely ghosts you. You try to reach out to him but he ignores you! I wonder, is a man who does this worse than a man who plays you from the get-go? 

If I were to state the main things I look for in a man, consistency would be included. I want to know that a man won’t just disappear on me. I want to know that a man will give me reason to trust him. I want to be with a man who is emotionally stable and won’t run away from me because I am intimidating at times. I’m tired of wondering how soon things with the next guy will end.

How is a man ok with opening up to someone, sharing all these moments and all this time together, only to suddenly walk away from all of it? How can a man be so selfish and not care about how his sudden disappearance makes the other person feel? Why is it that the rare times I’m actually interested in a man and see any sort of potential he disappears before even giving us a fair chance?

Why does it feel like the universe isn’t in sync with the effort I put into finding a great man? Why is it so difficult to find a man who’s values and goals are in sync with mine? Why do I feel hepless when it comes to my love life? Why do I always find myself alone and disappointed?

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 27),

I am desperate.
Desperate to find a balance between being myself, while not too much of myself.

Desperate to find a decent man who will treat me like I deserve to be treated.

I deserve to be treated with respect, affection and kindness.

And not as a means to an end but as an end in itself. 

Not only do I deserve to be treated as such but I expect it.

I expect it and rightly so.

If I do not expect it, no one will for me.

If I do not expect it, I will be taken advantage of.

I know because I already have.

I am often too nice to men.

My niceness has mostly been matched with selfishness, coldness and bad intentions.

It’s not like I want to stop being nice.

But my niceness makes me vulnerable.

I am ok with showing vulnerability.

But my vulnerability must have been conflated with weakness too many times.

Because it is through my vulnerability that men gained control of my heart and mind.

They messed with me and messed me up a little.

So now I keep my guard up because I want to be seen as strong.

Too strong to mess with.

I realize that as a human being, I am inherently flawed.

I do not aim for perfection.

I aim for safety.

I tried protecting myself and keeping my guard down all at once by being careful who I trust.

But that just left me confused.

Confused because I do not know who, when and how much to trust someone.

Confused because I want to be nice so I can be seen as approachable. However, not too approachable so I can stay away from trouble.

I desire to find love and keep away from trouble all at once.

Why is that so complicated?

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 26),

Dance with me ‘til we have no more energy.

Spin me around in circles ‘til we get dizzy.

Hold me close against your heart

And let’s take it from the start.

Let’s talk ‘til we fall asleep side by side.

Share our secrets, with nothing to hide.

Let’s renew our love each and every day.

By each other’s side we shall always stay.

Let’s make reality consist of our fantasies.

Let’s turn joyous moments into memories. 

Our love shall grow deeper every day.

Let’s keep on dancing ‘till we’re old and grey.

Love,

Faigy

            

Dear Diary (Week 25),

I'm strong because I express my opinions, even if it means disagreeing with someone, share my feelings even if that might put me in a vulnerable position and because I don’t settle, even if it means being lonely. I'm strong because I'm different than what I’m “supposed” to be.

I wish I was stronger. Yet, society tells me that I, a woman must not be too strong, if I ever want a man to fall in love with me. Men are raised not to fall in love with women like me. Women like me emasculate men. Women like me aren’t afraid to speak their mind, even if it means disappointing their partner. Women like me won’t just fulfill all the man’s desires, for fear of losing his interest. I’ve become more assertive with men but not assertive enough. I hate disappointing men so I tend to go out of my way to avoid disappointing them. This unfortunate reality creates a situation where I expect men to invest as much effort as I do in our relationship but when that doesn’t happen, I become disappointed. Not only with the man but with myself too because I’m left to feel foolish for putting in so much effort. I’m left doubting my ability to make good choices in my relationships.

For a long time I felt weak. I let people make me feel weak. I let people diminish me and steal my self-esteem. But after much hard work, I regained my strength and self-esteem. To be in a relationship, it’s important to put one’s guards down but out of fear of being hurt I often don’t. Yet, out of desire of finding companionship, love and an end to my loneliness, I put my guards down too often. I’m strong when I’m “supposed” to be weak and weak when I’m “supposed” to be strong. I’m everything but what I’m “supposed” to be. Yet, unapologetically me.

Love,

Faigy