Dear Diary (Week 11),

I dance with the shadow of myself.
Bodies, mind and soul intertwined.
The wind encompassing us in a bubble.
I breathe. She breathes. I cry. She cries.
I close my eyes. I meditate. I focus. I feel. I hear. Memories rush through my head. Bad memories. My head hurts. I lose my peace for a moment. I blame myself. I dislike myself. I dislike the people who have hurt me.

I've gone two steps forwards and two steps backwards. I reached high. And I reached low. I've searched for love and thought I found someone good. But all I found was someone who was not there for me. I've held my heart in my hands. But all I was left with was an empty spot where my heart used to be. Life is a constant battle. In darkness or in light, I must fight. Either I take charge of my life or my life takes charge of me.

I can't fall in love, until I love myself. To truly love myself, I must know myself. I must find meaning in my pain. Compassion for myself. The courage to start fresh, while accepting who I was and am. I must appreciate my journey. See the beauty in my scars. I must find the strength to come out of the shadows and be myself. To be in love, I must become one with another, while not losing half of me. I'm ready to love but not to be in love.

I fell into darkness and picked myself up, only to fall into the arms of emptiness. I struggle to disconnect from the shadow of myself. All I can do is dance with it. In harmony. In peace. That's the only way for me to be set free. I forgive myself for not being ordinary. I forgive myself for going at my pace. I love myself, despite my limitations. And I love myself, despite not having a man who loves me. I await for him, who can take me as I am and for who I want to be.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 10),

Innocent yet mature.
Sweet yet cruel.
Exciting yet terrifying.
Real yet superficial.

Breathtaking yet heartbreaking.
Bonding yet separating.
Fulfillment yet emptiness.

Meaningful yet meaningless.

Happiness yet sadness.

Kissing yet fighting.
Laughing yet crying.

Giving yet taking.

Ups yet downs.
Strengthens yet fades.
Sometimes lasts forever.
Love, an oxymoron.

Dear Diary (Week 9),

Don't tell me boys will be boys. Because boys should aspire to be more. Women deserve a man. I, a woman am sick of getting involved with boys. I'm sick of dealing with cowards, who don't know what they want and choose to string me along. I'm sick of dealing with cowards who refuse to deal with adult situations and choose to run away. I'm sick of dealing with men who refuse to better themselves and choose to act like boys.

I can psychoanalyze these guys and link their behavior to "mommy issues" but I don't want to. Adults make choices and should be held responsible (generally speaking), whatever their experience. My negative experiences with men don't give me the right either to mistreat other men. A boy's bad behavior can be excused sometimes as he is learning how to behave but the man should already know.

I'm so sick of trying to let go and move on from bad experiences with men. I'm so sick of the lack of closure I so often experience. And I'm so sick of standing up and opening up to new experiences, despite what I've been through, only to be pushed back down again. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fighter. I face obstacles and persevere. I'm not giving up on finding that man who will lift me up for once. I'm just impatient to trade in a boy for a man.

Boys can be boys but not forever. At one point boys must grow up. Additionally, a boy's behavior should not be excused merely because he is a boy. Instead, we must teach our boys to behave properly because one day, when they grow up, they will be dating our daughters and fathering children. Our boys imitate our men. Men (and women) must model appropriate behavior. But men who keep behaving like boys can't be good role models. By the way, why is there no such saying: girls will be girls?

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 8),

Love is elusive, an image we create. Even if all our expectations on paper are met, we aren't necessarily pleased with the real life version. Love appears in our life and is so fragile that it can leave us at any moment. Love is a difficult concept to grasp.

Some say love is fate. Unplanned circumstances will lead us to our one true love. I believe in fate but i also think we must take certain steps to meet that fate. Question is, what steps do I take to meet the one? I've tried going out, mingling, dating apps, etc. And I still haven't found him.

Love can't be bought or borrowed. Love is just supposed to happen. Meanwhile, all we can do is wait or search in places not knowing for sure that we're searching in the right places. While there are things we must do to make love last, sometimes people just fall out of love, for no particular reason. How scary!

There's no logic to love. Generally, specific actions lead to specific outcomes but love has no such formula. While love is different for different couples and even science can't fully explain this concept, one knows when they're experiencing it.

Love,

Faigy