When Enough Is Enough

Should the three strike rule apply to wrongdoings committed by your partner? In other words, should you give him/her three chances to redeem himself/herself? Such wrongdoings doesn't include petty things your partner does that annoy you. It also doesn't include cheating, as that's a separate topic. But it does include being taken advantage of sexually, being betrayed and being lied to. While forgiving someone who hurt you is a good thing, staying with them despite their many wrongdoings is not. Because when you give a person too many chances, you've fallen into this vicious cycle of he/she does so and so, you forgive him/her, he/she does it again and so forth.

Additionally, "actions speak louder than words." Take the case of a guy who from the get-go only ever seems to be interested in hooking up with you. You want something more and you let him know that. He apologizes and promises to spend more quality time with you but never does. He keeps on only showing interest in you physically, despite how many times you told him you want a serious relationship. Instead of telling yourself that it's time you go your separate ways, as you both want different things, you tell yourself he'll change. Yet, when you keep on giving your partners chances, you're failing to create boundaries of what's acceptable to you in your relationships.

One of my main regrets when it comes to relationships is giving guys too many chances. Although I chose to move on from the hurtful situations they put me in, the resentment towards these guys (and perhaps towards myself) catches up with me to this day, making it difficult to remember the good times we shared (if any), find closure and trust again. Why continue seeing someone who doesn't fulfill your needs and let the resentment build up? Similarly, if a girl continuously lies to you, why would you stay with her and justify away her lies, until you explode? By ending things before they get to this point, you will be able to avoid some very unpleasant emotions, such as anger and resentment.

What I'm saying is that there's no guarantee your partner will change and giving the person three strikes for serious wrongdoings is taking a risk. A risk well worth it? Maybe, maybe not. Ask yourself if your partner really deserves another strike. In terms of how many strikes you should give him/her, it's important to note that there's no "right" number, as each partnership and situation is unique. However, don't give your partner enough chances to become trapped in the vicious cycle of wrongdoings/forgiveness. Do make sure that when you give him/her a chance, your partner shows a change in behavior for the better.

"Blind" Dating

So you've been talking to this person on an online dating app for a very short period of time when just like that he/she asks you out for drinks. Would you agree to the date?

Let's assume you chose to go out with this person. All you know about him/her is some basic information (age, sex, height, etc.) and that he/she is cute. But why not figure out if you connect/like each other when you speak, before accepting a date? I once accepted a date with a guy I met online that I barely chatted with only to later have him tell me that we have nothing in common. Had he actually gotten to know me a little better he would've been able to figure that out before investing time, energy and money on our date.

"Hold on Faigy", you might say. "What if it's just a casual encounter?" Well, there's still safety to consider (knowing someone even a bit makes it easier to tell if he/she is trustworthy) and just because a person is sexy it doesn't mean that his/her stupidity, for example, won't turn you off. However, I'm not saying that going on a date with someone you barely know is a bad idea. I'm just saying that if you choose to do so the things mentioned are worth considering.

Now what if you met the person briefly in real life, barely spoke after that and soon after he/she asks you out online or via text (point being not face to face or by phone)? Does that change things much if at all? If you've spoken for a long enough time and are still interested, make the move. But for me, asking someone out after only a handshake and some very brief chit chat, is premature. Talk to the person. Get to know them. Make them want to take it from behind the screen to the comfy sofas at the coffee shop.

Additionally, asking someone out after only some occasional chit chat, makes one seem desperate or/and motivated by something superficial, such as looks. If you want something superficial then that's fine. But it's unsettling if you are looking for a serious relationship and a person just asks you out after knowing what you look like and some very basic information about you. While it's true that people don't normally go into a date knowing everything about the other person (unless it's a case of a friendship gone romantic, for example), don't you still want to make sure that you connect with the other person?

What do you think?

How To Show Interest In Her

Why Break-Ups Can Be A Good Thing

Breaking up is hard. Whether you're the one who ended the relationship or were broken up with, it's a difficult position to be in. This may lead to the feeling of loss and hopelessness. But if dealt with correctly, loss and hopelessness can lead to growth. While the break-up is still fresh, terms like "growth" are probably the last things you want to hear. And that is OK. Don't hold back tears. You can grieve the loss for some time, if that's what you need. But remind yourself that if you deal with the grief and other emotions that come with break-ups appropriately, a positive outcome will emerge. That is, there's something to be learnt from every experience. Learning leads to growth. And growth allows you to become a better you, whatever that "you" consists of.

While each individual has their unique process for dealing with grief, only some behaviors are healthy. This doesn't include trying to attack your ex's character by spreading nasty rumors about him/her. Or getting involved with many men/women who you don't actually care about, just to get over your ex. Instead of focusing so much on your ex, focus on yourself. That is, now that you're single, take the time to try new things (join a dance class, learn a new language, go bungee jumping, etc) and focus on other aspects of your life, like work/school. Also, focus on your other relationships, with friends and family. Further, accept the fact that things and people change. Change is hard because it involves loss. That is, loss of the way things used to be. But we as humans have this amazing ability to adapt to new situations.

So how can you adapt to your new single situation? Different individuals adapt differently. Some of the methods previously suggested included trying out new activities and focusing on your other relationships. Remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to have fun, despite your circumstances. Don't let regret reduce you to self-pity, depression or any such emotions. If you need to talk to someone, do it as soon as possible. Because repression can be disastrous. It's best to get all the negative emotions out first, deal with them in a healthy way and only then move on. Moving on doesn't mean you must forget what happened. It just requires you to "deal" with your situation in a healthy manner and make a decision to no longer hold on to the negative emotions tied with it, such as pain, anger and regret. It means choosing to love yourself and grow from this experience, instead.

Relationship Advice

Dating Differently: New Year= New Beginnings

It was the Jewish New Year this week; a time of reflection and renewal. Also the time to make meaningful and reasonable resolutions. Being the analytical-minded person that I am, I'm constantly reflecting on my life. However, this week was exceptionally emotional, as I did so much reflecting on various aspects of my life, including my dating life.

In thinking about my past relationships, I realized that they were filled with so much drama and pain. And that the only way that can change is if I do things differently. That is, I will keep on finding myself stuck in the same old situations with the same type of guys, if I don't actively change my dating behaviors.

Despite all the heartache, good things came out of my negative dating experiences, such as having gained knowledge on what I'm not looking for in a man. While I'm still conflicted about what I do want in a man, it helps knowing what I don't. I'm tired of dealing with players, men who don't actually care about me, men who don't validate my feelings, etc, etc, etc.

As requested, I will attempt to date differently and share what I learnt from these new experiences. In doing so, I'm hoping to have healthier relationships and to learn together with you valuable lessons on relationships. I also want to see if I can change the troublesome outcomes that come out of my relationships. Will I stop constantly attracting players, in dating differently? Will I start attracting men who care about my feelings? In short, I want to see how much control we have in the types of men we attract. This isn't as straightforward as it seems because behavior isn't an easy thing to change. It's not like I can say "Since I attract so many players, all I have to do is wait until the relationship is serious to have sex with a guy." It takes a fresh perspective and a lot of motivation to change one's behavior. And in doing a lot of reflection, I've decided that I want to place myself in the shoes of someone with a different perspective on dating.

So, this New Year I made a resolution to not get physically involved with a guy until we get to know each other really well and see that we both truly care about each other. Will I be happier and more satisfied in such relationships? Have I been consistently doing something wrong to attract the "wrong" men? To find out, please follow my journey here on my blog.