My Greatest Wish This New Year

My greatest wish for myself this New Year is accepting where I am in my life. I want to feel content with what I have accomplished so far and continue being grateful for what I have. I no longer want to compete against my own ideals of who I should be and what I must accomplish. I want to rid myself of the mainly self-imposed pressure that I gave into. I am in this life to prosper from my strengths and grow from my weaknesses. I cannot do better than my best. My best is very different than another person’s best but it is time I start accepting that. It is also time I shift my focus from what I did not accomplish yet to living life in the present.

I have a very future-oriented mindset. I usually make decisions based on what I deem best in the long run. I am so ambitious that I am often impatient when I do not see results quickly enough. I am a hard worker but I always criticize myself for not doing enough. My view of success is based a lot on time. In other words, I always felt that in order to be successful I must reach certain milestones by a certain age. I am twenty-five years old and all I do is focus on all the things I have not yet accomplished or experienced, such as being in love. 

I no longer want to feel like a failure in most aspects of my life. I want to find peace of mind and soul. I often tell myself that if there was at least one aspect in my life in which I felt successful in, such as my career or love life, I would be happy. Love is a big aspect in which I feel like I am a failure. I always hoped that by my age I would have experienced many things that I never did. I hoped that at my age I would have already met someone with whom there is potential for something long-term. The fact that I did not worries me that I will be an old mother. While my “old” may be considered young by many others, I feel disappointed that my life’s timeline is way off than what I would have liked. 

Being critical of myself all the time is keeping me from living in the present. I am tired of judging myself and comparing my accomplishments and experiences to others. With this New Year, I just want to appreciate the journey. I trust in G-d that He will bring the right things in my life at the right time. I will continue working hard, no matter how stuck I feel. I will continue staying as positive as I can because I can’t envision anything other than greatness and accomplishment in my future. My timeline may be off but my potential is ever so clear to me.

Dear Diary (Week 32),

I accept myself the way I am. I don’t need a man to be happy. But I need a man to feel complete. I wish I wasn’t so consumed with finding love but it’s always on my mind. It’s difficult not to think about how I’m single when I feel like a huge part of my life is missing. It’s difficult enjoying singlehood when  I’ve been single for too long. It’s difficult finding satisfaction as a single woman when time flies by leaving me to wonder how much longer I have to wait.

I don’t love myself because I know I’m still growing and I can and will become so much more. I have changed so much for the better and I continue to challenge myself regularly because that’s what life is about. Despite not loving myself yet, I have grown so much more confident. I enjoy spending time on my own but not for too long, otherwise, I feel restless. Besides, I’ve enjoyed my own company for too long. It’s time I met someone else who enjoys my company and vice-versa.

I’m trying to find meaning in my present situation. I’m grateful for what I have and the wonderful people in my life. Yet, I always look towards the future and hope to improve my situation. I’m also impatient for fate to play its part in ameliorating my life. There’s nothing that equals love or that can replace it. I will keep on focusing on the good in my life but I will always wait for love to fill the void in my being. Love is an important piece of my life that’s missing. While I manage without it, I’m left feeling incomplete. 

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 31),

I hope to fall in love one day with a great human being, rather than the concept of him. I’m not looking to be with someone so we can prove our love all over social media. I’m not looking for the picture-perfect kind of love. I’m looking for something pure. I’m looking for someone who’ll love me so much and vice-versa that when we’re in each other’s presence our love will light up the space we’re in. I’m looking for the kind of love that radiates, no picture taken and no words spoken.

Love to me so far has been nothing more than an illusion. Love seems so ungraspable, far removed from reality, merely a dream. Why is love so hard to find? At best potential dissipated into nothingness. At best I trusted wolves in sheep’s skin. At best I lived in a bubble of hope for better. I settled for who I thought these men could be but never were just to avoid my own company. I hate being single. For some reason being single feels lonely, even though I’m blessed with wonderful people who care about me in my life. 

I sometimes wish I was satisfied with loving the concept of someone. At least that way I could live in bliss. Being blinded by love can be a gift, a pleasurable distraction from loneliness. Ultimately, I know that for a healthy relationship it’s best to love the person rather than the concept of him/her. I want to recognize the other person and vice-versa, for who they are, flaws and all and still accept him/be accepted. I want us to create a space where we can talk about everything and anything openly. I want us to also feel so comfortable that awkward silences don’t exist. I want those things that truly matter to me.

I don’t expect him to change. I want him to just be and I hope that he becomes. I’m not falling in love with who he could be but who he is. I want to be with someone who seeks to grow in his own development and to help me grow our love for each other. I’m not asking for the dream man or a dreamy kind of love. I’m just asking for the imperfect man who complements my imperfections perfectly. I want the kind of love that is realistic, tangible and conceivable. When will my dreams come true?

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 30),

It seems that people only want to hear about the positive side of love. People don’t want to hear about the hardships and struggles. I get more of a positive reaction when I write about lovey-dovey things than the nitty-gritty side of love. I don’t write to impress. I don’t write to be popular. I don’t write for the likes and shares (although getting them is nice). I write to help make some sense of all the thoughts running through my head. It’s also my outlet for expressing my emotions in a healthy and artistic way. Aside from the benefits to me, I hope that my writing can help others going through some of the same things I go through. 

I’m open about my experiences with love. People can judge me for being this open but people’s opinions won’t stop me from writing. I speak about the trials and tribulations of love. I’m proud of myself that I have the courage to say things that people avoid addressing. The truth sometimes hurts but avoiding it is way more damaging in the long run. Writing is my way of working through my pain. It is the voice of my heart. My writing helps me in my self-growth and motivates me to do better for myself. 

My experiences won’t be the same as everyone else’s. But they are my experiences and people don’t get to undermine them. People don’t get to tell me how I should write. I write from the heart and that’s my style. I’m a realist and I stay away from the superficial “love is perfect” illusion that so many people seem to be engulfed in. I seek to understand my past and current situation when it comes to love so that I can be in a better place. My past shaped me in many ways and taught me a lot about myself and what I must improve on. I’m on a journey of self-discovery and my writing is my guide.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 29),

Today is my birthday. Not too happy about turning a quarter of a century because I haven’t accomplished as much as I would have liked to. One of my unaccomplished “goals” is never having experienced a healthy, loving relationship. While I don’t want to celebrate my age, I do want to celebrate new beginnings.

My main goal this year is to put myself in situations outside of my comfort zone. While I always seek to grow, I don’t always act upon it as much as I could. Meaning, I’m always on the lookout for new opportunities at work to higher myself but I don’t put in the same effort in my love life. I want to break my own barriers that are keeping me from meeting someone great.

When it comes to social situations, I seek to make things as comfortable as possible. I seek to be around friends and in environments I’m  familiar with. Sticking to friends and putting myself in familiar environments keeps me from meeting new people. Comfort is my excuse for sticking to my old ways. It’s what’s keeping me stuck.

I want to feel sexy and I don’t just mean in a physical sense. I want to feel like a woman who’s  got her love life under control. I want to feel like a woman who’s been through a lot but who’s still found the courage to push through and overcome her difficulties in finding love. I must match my effort in finding that special someone with the desire I have for that to happen. I deserve a great man in my life because I’m a great woman.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 28),

It kills me how a man can change colours from one moment to the next. You build a trusting friendship with him, speak over the course of months/years and one day he just completely ghosts you. You try to reach out to him but he ignores you! I wonder, is a man who does this worse than a man who plays you from the get-go? 

If I were to state the main things I look for in a man, consistency would be included. I want to know that a man won’t just disappear on me. I want to know that a man will give me reason to trust him. I want to be with a man who is emotionally stable and won’t run away from me because I am intimidating at times. I’m tired of wondering how soon things with the next guy will end.

How is a man ok with opening up to someone, sharing all these moments and all this time together, only to suddenly walk away from all of it? How can a man be so selfish and not care about how his sudden disappearance makes the other person feel? Why is it that the rare times I’m actually interested in a man and see any sort of potential he disappears before even giving us a fair chance?

Why does it feel like the universe isn’t in sync with the effort I put into finding a great man? Why is it so difficult to find a man who’s values and goals are in sync with mine? Why do I feel hepless when it comes to my love life? Why do I always find myself alone and disappointed?

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 27),

I am desperate.
Desperate to find a balance between being myself, while not too much of myself.

Desperate to find a decent man who will treat me like I deserve to be treated.

I deserve to be treated with respect, affection and kindness.

And not as a means to an end but as an end in itself. 

Not only do I deserve to be treated as such but I expect it.

I expect it and rightly so.

If I do not expect it, no one will for me.

If I do not expect it, I will be taken advantage of.

I know because I already have.

I am often too nice to men.

My niceness has mostly been matched with selfishness, coldness and bad intentions.

It’s not like I want to stop being nice.

But my niceness makes me vulnerable.

I am ok with showing vulnerability.

But my vulnerability must have been conflated with weakness too many times.

Because it is through my vulnerability that men gained control of my heart and mind.

They messed with me and messed me up a little.

So now I keep my guard up because I want to be seen as strong.

Too strong to mess with.

I realize that as a human being, I am inherently flawed.

I do not aim for perfection.

I aim for safety.

I tried protecting myself and keeping my guard down all at once by being careful who I trust.

But that just left me confused.

Confused because I do not know who, when and how much to trust someone.

Confused because I want to be nice so I can be seen as approachable. However, not too approachable so I can stay away from trouble.

I desire to find love and keep away from trouble all at once.

Why is that so complicated?

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 26),

Dance with me ‘til we have no more energy.

Spin me around in circles ‘til we get dizzy.

Hold me close against your heart

And let’s take it from the start.

Let’s talk ‘til we fall asleep side by side.

Share our secrets, with nothing to hide.

Let’s renew our love each and every day.

By each other’s side we shall always stay.

Let’s make reality consist of our fantasies.

Let’s turn joyous moments into memories. 

Our love shall grow deeper every day.

Let’s keep on dancing ‘till we’re old and grey.

Love,

Faigy

            

Dear Diary (Week 25),

I'm strong because I express my opinions, even if it means disagreeing with someone, share my feelings even if that might put me in a vulnerable position and because I don’t settle, even if it means being lonely. I'm strong because I'm different than what I’m “supposed” to be.

I wish I was stronger. Yet, society tells me that I, a woman must not be too strong, if I ever want a man to fall in love with me. Men are raised not to fall in love with women like me. Women like me emasculate men. Women like me aren’t afraid to speak their mind, even if it means disappointing their partner. Women like me won’t just fulfill all the man’s desires, for fear of losing his interest. I’ve become more assertive with men but not assertive enough. I hate disappointing men so I tend to go out of my way to avoid disappointing them. This unfortunate reality creates a situation where I expect men to invest as much effort as I do in our relationship but when that doesn’t happen, I become disappointed. Not only with the man but with myself too because I’m left to feel foolish for putting in so much effort. I’m left doubting my ability to make good choices in my relationships.

For a long time I felt weak. I let people make me feel weak. I let people diminish me and steal my self-esteem. But after much hard work, I regained my strength and self-esteem. To be in a relationship, it’s important to put one’s guards down but out of fear of being hurt I often don’t. Yet, out of desire of finding companionship, love and an end to my loneliness, I put my guards down too often. I’m strong when I’m “supposed” to be weak and weak when I’m “supposed” to be strong. I’m everything but what I’m “supposed” to be. Yet, unapologetically me.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 24),

He was everything that I hoped he would be, until the moment I met him. Anticipation turned into disappointment, the moment he opened his mouth. This is why I gave up on expectations when it came to guys. But the butterflies in my stomach showed up uninvited. My heart chose to skip a beat, without my permission. The excitement in my body overpowered that pessimistic voice in my head. And once again I fell victim to my own trap.

I realized I had met him in the past. In fact, I had met him many times. He was the guy who could’ve treated me better. Yet, I waited patiently for circumstances to change so that he could show me who he truly is. He was the guy who I wanted to “fix”. The guy who’s anger and distance I attributed to a vulnerability I understood. The guy who I was sympathetic to. The guy I thought would finally treat me with warmth, kindness and respect. But as he kept going on and on about nothing in particular, that familiar feeling became more and more undeniable. I wanted to ignore that feeling and focus on the image I created of him in my mind. And stick to the feelings I had initially felt. But reality hit me hard. And I just knew how our story would end if I gave him a chance. 

Love was harsh with me and I learned my lessons. I want to move forward and stay away from guys who hold me back. I know what I deserve and I’m done settling. I deserve to be with someone who’s patient, kind and unselfish, just like I am. I deserve to be spoiled with affection. I’m done settling for guys who offer me nothing more than false promises, hurt and emptiness. Yet, settling is where comfort lies. Darkness is where courage lies.

It’s getting dark and cold outside. I want to reach out to him and end my loneliness but I know better. The anticipation and excitement I initially felt over this stranger I know all too well is leaving a bad aftertaste in my mouth. My mind is still reminiscing over what could have been. But this is my test and I know I must be strong and walk away and so I do. His footsteps are an echo of my past. Mine are the footsteps into a new day...

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 23),

I was there for you but now I’m gone.

Fed up, tired, annoyed, done.

Chance, after chance, after chance.

Tangled in an endless, nauseating dance.

Excuses was all you ever gave me.

You weren’t going to change, clearly.

Selfishness, dismissiveness and complacency.

I gave and gave and kept giving.

Then I realized something was missing.

I kept waiting for you to come around

And forgot to stand my ground.

With you, I was way too nice,

Ultimately, paying the price.

But from our relationship, I did grow.

There are many things I now know.

I’ll keep dancing because dancing is fun

And not give up on finding the one.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 22),

I'm really bothered by how awkward and shy I’m around men I don’t know. I have a hard time starting conversations with people in general, let alone men. I don’t like approaching men for fear of saying something silly. But it’s more than that. I feel like a man who’s interested in me can at the very least approach me, one way or another. I mean, ideally, a man would come over to me and strike up a conversation. But if he can’t find the courage to do that, he should at least contact me on social media or something. It seems like nowadays women are expected to approach men, just as much as men approach women. But why?! Why can I no longer expect chivalry? Why can’t a man initiate in the beginning?

I feel pressured to start conversations with men at parties. I have these thoughts that I’ll lose my opportunity to ever be with a man I like if I don’t initiate. Another part of me feels that if things are meant to be, they will happen. But then again, that first voice tells me that while this may be true I must still take advantage of my opportunities. I’m confused, distressed and anxious about this. I often wish that I was less socially awkward and had more confidence to approach cute men at parties. But I truly feel that it’s not my style to do that. Is it something I have to push myself or is it acceptable to think that men should usually take on the role of merely initiating things with me? 

Knowing myself, I feel like I need a man with confidence and guts. A man who is going to be able to “handle me”. I may be shy when it comes to meeting men and making small talk at parties but once I feel comfortable I have a lot of “personality”. Am I wrong to assume that if a man who’s actually interested in me isn’t courageous enough to introduce himself to me, he most likely won’t be confident enough to be in a relationship with me? It’s possible that I would be better matched with a man who’s shy, though. Meaning, maybe I should initiate conversations with men. I don’t want to approach men but am I missing out by not doing so?

I may not have much to lose by approaching a man but unless the setting naturally presents itself to me (for example, we literally bump into each other), I really don't feel comfortable doing so. I make an effort to put myself out there by going to parties, for example. I don’t expect a man to line up at my door waiting to meet me with chocolate and a teddy bear (that can be reserved for a later time) but to walk across the room at a party to get to know me or at least say hi. Do I have unrealistic expectations for still expecting an old-fashioned, men approach women approach?

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 21),

I’m working hard to better myself. There are deeply ingrained behaviours that aren’t working for me in my life that I must undo. But I’m willing to put in the effort because I want change in my relationship life. I want to be happier. I want to attract the right men. And I want to rid myself of the toxicity in my life. The hardest part is that while I want change in my personal life, I have a hard time finding men who want the same thing in theirs. I don’t picture myself happy being with a man who doesn’t introspect and seek to better himself. That choice is entirely up to the individual. All I can do is not get involved with men who are like that.

An adult man should take responsibility for his own actions and seek to grow. I get frustrated with men who don’t even think twice about that because they just don’t care. That’s selfish. That’s not caring about how your words and actions affect others. When you’re self-aware, you’re more aware of things and people around you. Maybe if I met a man who does care I wouldn’t find myself constantly explaining how I feel, only to have him judge me for it. I’m done giving men too many chances, only to have them fail me. It’s not my job to teach men basic values of respect and compassion. I would be more than happy to support a man in his self-growth journey but he must take the initiative.

I have high expectations and I’m not backing down. I was too lenient too often. In the end, I invited trouble and got really hurt. Through all the negativity though, I learned more about my needs in a relationship. More importantly, that I deserve more than the at best mediocre treatment I’ve received from men. There’s nothing wrong with a woman who knows what she wants. And there’s nothing wrong with a woman who has high (but reasonable) expectations from the men she dates. The problem lies in the men who can’t handle such a woman and criticize her instead of making the effort it takes to be with her.

I’m definitely not asking for Prince Charming. He’s not at all my type. I ask for a well-intentioned man who will give me the respect and time I deserve. I ask for a man who can look beyond his own needs and be conscientious of mine. I ask for an imperfect man who works on himself. I ask for a man who is kind, caring and emotionally intelligent. Mind you, I’m not just asking for these things, without expecting them from myself. I’m not asking period. I’m saying: this is what I expect. Expecting particular things might make me seem particular. But these particular things signal to me that I got a good man by my side. And yes, I’m a particular person but I’m reasonable too. More importantly, I tend to expect much more from myself than I do from others.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 20),

Would I date myself? Yes and no. Yes because I have great qualities that would add a lot to any relationship. I'm genuine, honest, caring and selfless. My personality adds flavour to my relationships. Thing is, I have a dark side too, which doesn't make me such an ideal candidate for a partner. In relationships, I'm quick to judge, reactive, impatient and harsh at times. In fact, the dark side is what most men get to see. Only once I start letting my guards down is my sweet interior revealed. First impressions matter and I probably don't give off a great impression.

I don't blame myself for being quick to judge, reactive, impatient and even harsh at times because I've been hurt so often by men. But I still believe it's my responsibility to try my best to overcome my struggles and become a more desirable partner. Time only heals if we deal with our pain in healthy ways. Some of my pain might always accompany me but I hope that I can come to a point where I focus on the lessons rather than the painful experiences themselves. When I feel saddened by dark memories, I can feel relief as I know that there's meaning in my pain. It's very difficult to put my pain aside and not make presumptions about the men I date but I must try harder.

I don't want to mess up a great opportunity to be with a great man. When he comes into my life, I want to be ready to give him and the relationship my all. I want to say with confidence that I would date myself. I want what I portray on the outside to be aligned with who I'm on the inside. When a great man walks into my life, I want him to take me as I am but more importantly for who I'm becoming through hard work. My fear of being hurt and the way I express that through my actions and words (assumptions, harshness, etc.) is perhaps what's keeping good men away from me. Why should a man want to be with me, if I treat him like a criminal from the get-go?

I better start counting my blessings and change my "I'm a victim" mindset. I'm not a victim. I've persevered through so much turmoil and came out with a stronger sense of self. I must continue to work on myself so that when a great man comes into my life I can be ready for him and cherish our moments together. I want to be able to appreciate him for his kindness and compassion rather than waiting for him to screw up. I will continue to actualize who I'm meant to be so that I can proudly say that I would date myself.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 19),

This New Year, there are several things I want to work on when it comes to my dating life. I realize that there are things I can do to better myself as a partner and things I must look for to find a good partner. I want to improve myself and surround myself with people who help me move forward in life. We must never stop bettering ourselves. Here are some things that I want to improve on and hope to find in a partner:

One thing I want to work on is sensitivity. That is, being a sensitive partner. I have high expectations of men and when they don't live up to them I can be insensitive in how I express that. My directness can be perceived as insensitivity. Also, I'm too reactive. When I'm upset, I go into victim mode and I become defensive. When I become defensive, I act and say things in ways that might make men feel like they're under attack. And when men feel under attack by me, they tend to shut down emotionally, only causing me to be more resentful. I want to burst out of my hurt bubble and see things from the man's perspective.

Another thing I want is to stop being a victim. I've been hurt a lot by men and with every new man I encounter, I carry the pain with me. Perhaps, I give off negative vibes to men that in turn attracts negativity in my life. I want to rid myself of the toxicity and be more positive when it comes to dating. Not only do I want to give men a chance to prove to me that they can treat me better than the men I've dated in the past but I also want to get myself out of this self-perpetuating cycle of feeling like a victim and attracting men who harp on my vulnerabilities.

In a partner, I want to be with a man who is consistent and reciprocal. If a man is interested in me, I expect him to show it to me regularly through his actions. It's the little things that count, such as talking to me and seeing me regularly. I want to be there for him and him for me. I love to give but I want him to spoil me too- with affection and time. Relationships are so much more powerful, when both individuals give and take. The more I give and don't get back, the more resentful I become. I want to let go of my pain, as much as possible, not hold on to it.

I also want to be with a man who's sensitive to me. I'm an unapologetically emotional woman. I'm tired of justifying how I feel. I want to be accepted as I am, emotions and all. There's definitely room for improvement here too, as I'm sometimes too reactive. Generally speaking though, I want to be with a man who acknowledges my feelings and cares. When he hurts me, I want to feel comfortable letting him know he hurt me and be able to trust that he'll no longer behave in a hurtful manner towards me.

The most important thing is effort. I'm willing to continue working on myself and hope to find a man who also seeks to work on himself. I learned a lot from my past experiences and I've found meaning in my pain. I no longer want to hurt, I want to move on. I want to apply the painful lessons from my past to improve my current dating life. With this New Year, I hope to find the courage to stand against the adversity that may come my way and the strength to persevere in accomplishing my goals.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 18),

My heart beats to the music's melody.

My body dances zestfully.

My mind rests peacefully.

I smile joyously. 

I breathe in happiness.

And exhale angriness.

My heart fills with tenderness.

My body's movements are so effortless.
My mind's worries turn into joyfulness.

My smile lights up my face with brightness.

This is a moment that feels like forever.

Feeling this way often is my life's endevor.

Heart, body, mind in sync,

Just in the moment, forgetting to think.

I hold on to to this moment, not letting go.

It's on the verge of escaping me, though.

There's one thing I know.

Good moments might not stay

But I rather have a taste over nothing at all, any day.

Love is a tease that consumes me.

But evades me just as easily.

How I manage without it is a mystery.

But I must wait until it's meant to be.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 17),

To explain or not to explain? I can’t decide anymore if it’s better to just ignore certain men or to explain to them why I'm ignoring them first. There are so many instances where men have done or said things they shouldn’t have and my instinct was to give them a piece of my mind. Thing is, to some men I would just look “crazy”, while others wouldn’t care about my feelings. But I feel that what they did/said is so bad that I must let them know. But maybe that’s just me being stubborn. Maybe the mature thing to do is to ignore them. I often find myself stuck in this back and forth thought process.

Just an example, I was recently talking to a guy that I haven’t spoken to in a little while and he tells me he’s seeing someone but would like my contact information, in case it doesn’t work out with that other person! This kind of behavior was so appalling to me that I felt like telling him. But then again, I don’t actually know this person well. Would sharing my thoughts on his behavior with him do much? It’s even worse when I know the person (somewhat) well because my emotions are invested in him. I actually feel hurt that the person who I opened up to is treating me in an unfair manner. Plus, it's better to have closure with someone you were involved with than to end things on a bad note. It's important to be able to talk with someone about why the relationship ended.

It gets complicated when a person I like and have only dated a short while, turns out to have had the wrong intentions. I don't want to ignore his messages but I don't want to pretend like everything is OK either. I want him to know that what he did/said hurt me. But it's so frustrating to have to explain to men time and time again that what they said hurt me. I feel like men should know better. They should know how to treat me right.

Thing is, I no longer have the energy, nor do I wish to spend time defending myself/putting some men in their place. At the same time, me being me, I feel the need for some reason, to teach some rude men manners, especially when I got to know them pretty well and like them. I know it’s not my job but it’s an impulse I have. The other part of it involves me being upset over how unfairly I’m being treated and feeling the need to protect myself. It's unclear to me if ignoring men's inappropriate behaviors/comments is better than explaining to them why they're inappropriate.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 16),

In order to advance in life, taking risks is inevitable. With love, it's no different. Love is a gamble, entirely unpredictable. Why? Because we put our hearts in people's hands. We think we can trust them but we are sometimes fooled. Of course, in order to find love, we must find the courage to make ourselves vulnerable. Yet, it's good to set boundaries as to how vulnerable we're willing to make ourselves.

Apparently, true love is supposed to be worth every loss, every heartache, and every tear. It conquers all, they say. Yet, love has no guarantees. True love is but an image we create, the dream we hope to achieve, the fix we so desperately crave. Love's promises put our guards down, giving us this false sense of bravery when we jump into the unknown. Yet, it doesn't take that many failed experiences to start developing trust issues. It seems so difficult to make oneself vulnerable, yet so easy to get hurt.

The way we cope with our failed love experiences and the manner in which we use what we learned in future experiences makes all the difference. It takes a lot of perseverance to pick ourselves up after each and every failure and move on. I don't want to give up on love EVER, even after I find it. I don't want to have trust issues anymore but the lines of who to trust are blurred. I don't want to hold back but it seems like every time I give a piece of my heart, I get all the rest taken away. This is why I try to take healthy risks. When something a man I am talking to did or said doesn't feel right, I try to see where his intentions lie. It may seem like all I have to lose is a couple of hours for a date, yet there's so much more involved. 

It's very important to stay open-minded in terms of our choices in dates, as sometimes people turn out differently than we expect. Love is a gamble worth taking risks for, as long as we're prepared to deal with any repercussions that may result. While we can have many unsuccessful attempts at love without any harmful repercussions, some experiences change us for the worse. Trusting enough of the wrong people can cause us to be bitter and may change our outlook on love. It's good to be careful who we get involved with and once that person earned our trust it's worth opening our hearts to that person.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 15),

I realized something... Maybe my standards are too high. When I talk about standards, I'm referring to how nice I expect others to be, particularly in relationships. I recognize that I myself have faults. I'm constantly working on myself. But it never ceases to surprise me how there are men who aren't bothered by being half the man they could be.

OK, I get it, some people have this idea that once a man finds the one, he gets so inspired that he becomes his best self. While there's always room for improvement, no one should wait around for another person to inspire them. We must inspire ourselves. I believe working on ourselves will only make us a better match for that special someone. What healthier relationship is there than two people who've worked hard on their selves?

Fine, I get it some men are just looking for something casual and couldn't care less about how the other person sees them. But we're the main beneficiaries of working on ourselves. Our souls, minds and bodies benefit. Self-improvement is a lifestyle that everyone must adopt, in my opinion. I can give a man the tools to be greater but the bulk of the work lies in his hands. Trying one's best is what matters. And not quitting gives us an even better chance at achievement of our goals. What's success without curve balls? But what are curve balls without any self-improvement?

I expect so much of myself that I have a hard time understanding how some people don't. I'm constantly searching inwards for guidance on how to realize a better version of myself. I accept myself today but expect to be better tomorrow. I seek to be a better human. No one is perfect but everyone could be held accountable for not trying to perfect themselves to the best of their abilities. Not to try is to fail before we even gave ourselves a chance.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 14),

Locked inside my own body,
I struggle to be set free.
I try to wake up from this bad dream.
Already awake, I scream.
No one hears me.
It's not how it's supposed to be.

I'm livin' in my own reality.
The search for love feels like an eternity.
I get to view my life, from the front row.
I try to run but there's nowhere to go
'Cause I'm paralyzed from head to toe.
When will it be over? I don't know.

The shackles go beyond the surface.
Please tell me, for what purpose?
Hard to find meaning in life,
When it's full of strife.
Hard to stand tall,
When l feel small.
Hard to run, with nowhere to go.
Hard to believe, when not in the know.

Tryin' to learn from my mistakes
And stay away from heartaches.
I put in the effort it takes
But my heart always breaks.
Not sure who to trust, forgot how to love
Doing my part but need help from above.
All the pain I can't forget
But don't want to regret.

I'm emotional.
My mind's out of control.
Tryin' to manage each emotion.
So hard with all the commotion.
Jokes on me
'Cause only I hold the key
To be set free.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 13),

I used to wish that I could mend some of the relationships I had with men. But I now realize that certain people aren't worth it. Without these men in my life, the stress, frustration and the feeling of being trapped that comes with being with them is gone. After all, I can't make these men change, I can only inspire them to do so. If they aren't willing to make the effort, I'm not willing to have them in my life.

I sometimes think, if only he did that (example: texted me more often), or if only he was not like that (example: rude), we would be a perfect match. Reality is, if you're open with your partner about how you feel and they don't care to change, they don't care about you enough. I like to surround myself with nice people, who care about me.

The worst kind of prison is a self-imposed one. There are two components to a self-imposed prison: restraints we put on ourselves and allowing others in our life who impose these restraints. What's common to both is that only we have the power to release ourselves from the shackles. We must find the courage to do so. Breaking our own barriers is one of life's biggest challenges but it's also one of the most freeing feelings.

Some people are just miserable and seek to spread their misery. It's difficult to have a relationship with these people. Other people have not come far in their self-growth, also making it difficult for someone to be in a relationship with them. Whatever the reason for the failing relationship, I choose to free myself of toxicity. I choose to transform the negative energy in my life into positive energy, by surrounding myself with men who are positive.

It's good to give chances to people, insofar as we have reasonable belief that they will change their ways. I no longer want to give a guy a second chance and then hope he'll change. If a guy wants another chance, let him first prove to me that he's a changed man. My time is too limited and my heart is too precious to be sucked into back and forth relationships. Sometimes, it's just time to let go.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 12),

You are what you attract. I wrestled with this concept for a long time. I could never understand how someone like me, who is respectful and kind can attract men who are not. But then I started thinking about this statement differently.

Just like any other battle, love is a lot about perception. That is, you can be a miserable single or a happy single. I still struggle to find value in being single. I still base success in large part on finding love. I still dislike being single. But I am learning to manage these thoughts, as to not let them impinge on love's journey. If we do not manage these thoughts, they can affect our behaviors when it comes to dating.

Let us say you have an online dating profile and you are fed up with attracting guys who are only interested in hooking up. You tell yourself that perhaps if you spell it out clearly, the guys who are only interested in sex will stay away from you. Not quite! It is always important to say things with positivity. For example, rather than saying: "If you are only interested in sex, STAY AWAY", try something like "looking for something that we can build on." You may be a great person who has been hurt a lot but a lack of positivity will only push away the good guys, who are most likely looking to be with someone positive. Resentment is unattractive. Defensiveness is unattractive. Negativity too is unattractive.

It is not easy to stay positive, when you are broken. But you got to make a choice: can you put aside your pain and hurt, when meeting new people or do you need a break from dating, as you cannot do so? It's best to date, when you find happiness within yourself and when you have a positive state of mind. When you are angry, you become defensive and when you become defensive, the person you are with will become defensive too. Thus, an endless cycle of anger, defensiveness and resentment begins. Each person looking at their partner through a narrow, "You are just like all the others" lense. Love is hard and staying away from love for many of us (like myself) is even harder. But love is not worth pursuing, unless we are ready for it.

Love is worth the wait. When I say this, I am not talking about waiting for the one before getting into any sort of (sexual) relationship. I do not mean to say, that if we do not see a future with a person, we should not be with them. We have different relational needs, at different points in our lives. We do not have to date only husband/wife material, if we are not looking for a husband/wife yet. Rather, when I say love is worth the wait, I mean being single is better than being with just about anyone. Finding a good match is not easy. Finding a bad match is. Sometimes things that are harder to achieve are the most worth it.

How can you attract the right person? Own the characteristics that the person you want to attract is looking for. For example, if you want to be with a man who appreciates a kind, patient and honest woman, be those things. You want positivity in your life? Be positive. You want a good man/woman in your life? Bring forward what would attract a good man/woman. I am not asking you to fake it. I am telling you to be it. When both you and the man/woman you are meant to be with is happy, when you have both worked hard on yourselves and when the time is right, you will both meet somewhere, somehow. Now, that's my kind of fairytale!

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 11),

I dance with the shadow of myself.
Bodies, mind and soul intertwined.
The wind encompassing us in a bubble.
I breathe. She breathes. I cry. She cries.
I close my eyes. I meditate. I focus. I feel. I hear. Memories rush through my head. Bad memories. My head hurts. I lose my peace for a moment. I blame myself. I dislike myself. I dislike the people who have hurt me.

I've gone two steps forwards and two steps backwards. I reached high. And I reached low. I've searched for love and thought I found someone good. But all I found was someone who was not there for me. I've held my heart in my hands. But all I was left with was an empty spot where my heart used to be. Life is a constant battle. In darkness or in light, I must fight. Either I take charge of my life or my life takes charge of me.

I can't fall in love, until I love myself. To truly love myself, I must know myself. I must find meaning in my pain. Compassion for myself. The courage to start fresh, while accepting who I was and am. I must appreciate my journey. See the beauty in my scars. I must find the strength to come out of the shadows and be myself. To be in love, I must become one with another, while not losing half of me. I'm ready to love but not to be in love.

I fell into darkness and picked myself up, only to fall into the arms of emptiness. I struggle to disconnect from the shadow of myself. All I can do is dance with it. In harmony. In peace. That's the only way for me to be set free. I forgive myself for not being ordinary. I forgive myself for going at my pace. I love myself, despite my limitations. And I love myself, despite not having a man who loves me. I await for him, who can take me as I am and for who I want to be.

Love,

Faigy