Dear Diary (Week 15),

I realized something... Maybe my standards are too high. When I talk about standards, I'm referring to how nice I expect others to be, particularly in relationships. I recognize that I myself have faults. I'm constantly working on myself. But it never ceases to surprise me how there are men who aren't bothered by being half the man they could be.

OK, I get it, some people have this idea that once a man finds the one, he gets so inspired that he becomes his best self. While there's always room for improvement, no one should wait around for another person to inspire them. We must inspire ourselves. I believe working on ourselves will only make us a better match for that special someone. What healthier relationship is there than two people who've worked hard on their selves?

Fine, I get it some men are just looking for something casual and couldn't care less about how the other person sees them. But we're the main beneficiaries of working on ourselves. Our souls, minds and bodies benefit. Self-improvement is a lifestyle that everyone must adopt, in my opinion. I can give a man the tools to be greater but the bulk of the work lies in his hands. Trying one's best is what matters. And not quitting gives us an even better chance at achievement of our goals. What's success without curve balls? But what are curve balls without any self-improvement?

I expect so much of myself that I have a hard time understanding how some people don't. I'm constantly searching inwards for guidance on how to realize a better version of myself. I accept myself today but expect to be better tomorrow. I seek to be a better human. No one is perfect but everyone could be held accountable for not trying to perfect themselves to the best of their abilities. Not to try is to fail before we even gave ourselves a chance.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 14),

Locked inside my own body,
I struggle to be set free.
I try to wake up from this bad dream.
Already awake, I scream.
No one hears me.
It's not how it's supposed to be.

I'm livin' in my own reality.
The search for love feels like an eternity.
I get to view my life, from the front row.
I try to run but there's nowhere to go
'Cause I'm paralyzed from head to toe.
When will it be over? I don't know.

The shackles go beyond the surface.
Please tell me, for what purpose?
Hard to find meaning in life,
When it's full of strife.
Hard to stand tall,
When l feel small.
Hard to run, with nowhere to go.
Hard to believe, when not in the know.

Tryin' to learn from my mistakes
And stay away from heartaches.
I put in the effort it takes
But my heart always breaks.
Not sure who to trust, forgot how to love
Doing my part but need help from above.
All the pain I can't forget
But don't want to regret.

I'm emotional.
My mind's out of control.
Tryin' to manage each emotion.
So hard with all the commotion.
Jokes on me
'Cause only I hold the key
To be set free.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 13),

I used to wish that I could mend some of the relationships I had with men. But I now realize that certain people aren't worth it. Without these men in my life, the stress, frustration and the feeling of being trapped that comes with being with them is gone. After all, I can't make these men change, I can only inspire them to do so. If they aren't willing to make the effort, I'm not willing to have them in my life.

I sometimes think, if only he did that (example: texted me more often), or if only he was not like that (example: rude), we would be a perfect match. Reality is, if you're open with your partner about how you feel and they don't care to change, they don't care about you enough. I like to surround myself with nice people, who care about me.

The worst kind of prison is a self-imposed one. There are two components to a self-imposed prison: restraints we put on ourselves and allowing others in our life who impose these restraints. What's common to both is that only we have the power to release ourselves from the shackles. We must find the courage to do so. Breaking our own barriers is one of life's biggest challenges but it's also one of the most freeing feelings.

Some people are just miserable and seek to spread their misery. It's difficult to have a relationship with these people. Other people have not come far in their self-growth, also making it difficult for someone to be in a relationship with them. Whatever the reason for the failing relationship, I choose to free myself of toxicity. I choose to transform the negative energy in my life into positive energy, by surrounding myself with men who are positive.

It's good to give chances to people, insofar as we have reasonable belief that they will change their ways. I no longer want to give a guy a second chance and then hope he'll change. If a guy wants another chance, let him first prove to me that he's a changed man. My time is too limited and my heart is too precious to be sucked into back and forth relationships. Sometimes, it's just time to let go.

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 12),

You are what you attract. I wrestled with this concept for a long time. I could never understand how someone like me, who is respectful and kind can attract men who are not. But then I started thinking about this statement differently.

Just like any other battle, love is a lot about perception. That is, you can be a miserable single or a happy single. I still struggle to find value in being single. I still base success in large part on finding love. I still dislike being single. But I am learning to manage these thoughts, as to not let them impinge on love's journey. If we do not manage these thoughts, they can affect our behaviors when it comes to dating.

Let us say you have an online dating profile and you are fed up with attracting guys who are only interested in hooking up. You tell yourself that perhaps if you spell it out clearly, the guys who are only interested in sex will stay away from you. Not quite! It is always important to say things with positivity. For example, rather than saying: "If you are only interested in sex, STAY AWAY", try something like "looking for something that we can build on." You may be a great person who has been hurt a lot but a lack of positivity will only push away the good guys, who are most likely looking to be with someone positive. Resentment is unattractive. Defensiveness is unattractive. Negativity too is unattractive.

It is not easy to stay positive, when you are broken. But you got to make a choice: can you put aside your pain and hurt, when meeting new people or do you need a break from dating, as you cannot do so? It's best to date, when you find happiness within yourself and when you have a positive state of mind. When you are angry, you become defensive and when you become defensive, the person you are with will become defensive too. Thus, an endless cycle of anger, defensiveness and resentment begins. Each person looking at their partner through a narrow, "You are just like all the others" lense. Love is hard and staying away from love for many of us (like myself) is even harder. But love is not worth pursuing, unless we are ready for it.

Love is worth the wait. When I say this, I am not talking about waiting for the one before getting into any sort of (sexual) relationship. I do not mean to say, that if we do not see a future with a person, we should not be with them. We have different relational needs, at different points in our lives. We do not have to date only husband/wife material, if we are not looking for a husband/wife yet. Rather, when I say love is worth the wait, I mean being single is better than being with just about anyone. Finding a good match is not easy. Finding a bad match is. Sometimes things that are harder to achieve are the most worth it.

How can you attract the right person? Own the characteristics that the person you want to attract is looking for. For example, if you want to be with a man who appreciates a kind, patient and honest woman, be those things. You want positivity in your life? Be positive. You want a good man/woman in your life? Bring forward what would attract a good man/woman. I am not asking you to fake it. I am telling you to be it. When both you and the man/woman you are meant to be with is happy, when you have both worked hard on yourselves and when the time is right, you will both meet somewhere, somehow. Now, that's my kind of fairytale!

Love,
Faigy