Dear Diary (Week 2)

Dear Diary,

Maybe I'm not meeting great guys because maybe I'm giving off negative vibes. That is, maybe my negative vibes discourage nice guys from approaching me. Or, maybe my vibes indicate to guys that I'm not looking for a relationship. But I want that to change so when guys talk to me, I make an extra effort to smile and be friendly.

I'm reserved and I don't tend to reach out to people. I usually let people, especially guys introduce themselves to me first. But once they introduce themselves to me, I'm friendly. Maybe a lot of guys are intimidated to introduce themselves to me, out of fear of rejection. And that's just sad because I'm actually nice. I just wish I was given the chance to prove that.

My awkwardness and social anxiety don't help. I tend to stick to my friends, at parties and events. Is it up to me to go up to guys and talk to them? Thing is, I want to be with a guy who has the guts to start a conversation with me. After all, I want to be with a guy that compliments me. That is, a guy who's more outgoing than me. It would be problematic to be with a guy who's as awkward and as reserved as me.

If my vibes indicate to guys that I'm not interested in being in a relationship, what else can I do to change that? After all, I'm just being myself. I used to be way more shy and very unconfident. I've worked so hard on myself and I've come a very long way. Yet, something is not adding up because I'm still struggling to find a good match.

I admit I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship, at this point in my life. But if I will meet a guy who's nice and a good match, I'd give him a chance. I have trust issues in men and maybe men sense it and so stay away from me. But don't I deserve to be with a guy who's willing to earn my trust? I on my end am willing to give guys a chance to prove their trustworthiness to me.

One thing's for certain. I must continue working on my mindset. I have a lot of negativity and doubts associated to love. While I believe in lasting love and hope that I'll experience it one day, I can't really picture what it would look like for me. But in my defense, I've never come close to it. So why should I be able to envision being in love with someone?

Basically, I feel stuck. I want to be myself but I don't know how to do that and give out "better" vibes. I try so hard to be more outgoing, as to make guys more comfortable approaching me. I'm working so hard on changing my mindset and being more positive about love, despite all my negative experiences, as to attract positivity in return. I want guys to want to bask in my positivity. I want to be happy so that I can share my happiness with a good guy... It's a never ending cycle that involves me giving off positive energy so that I can attract positive energy, in return.

Love,
Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 1)

Dear Diary,

I've noticed something interesting, as a single woman. Being on my own doesn't bother me as much as not being with someone. Let me explain. I can manage being on my own. Even more than manage, I seem better off. That is not to say that I shall forever be single. I assume that when the right man walks into my life, I'll be better off with him, than without. Yet, that man has yet to come. If he hasn't come, why do I hate being alone and avoid it as vehemently as I do?

While I can't say that men are the direct  and only cause of my angst, I can say that they're the indirect and a big cause of it. I know that I'm the only one who can decide how I feel but feelings aren't rational. That is, sometimes (or perhaps, oftentimes in my case), people just get to me. In such times, I feel powerless in stopping someone else's actions/behaviors upset me. I've come a long way in being less reactive and keeping calm, when guys upset me but there are jerks who piss me off and bring the worst out of me. I've put up with so much to the point of telling myself that I'm better off being single than being with some of the guys I've dated. But the dread of being alone overpowers my frustrations of being with these guys.

I put so much emphasis on having a partner in order to feel fulfilled that when I don't, I don't know how to deal with that overwhelming sense of emptiness. For much of my singlehood, all I could think about was finding that special someone. While these constant thoughts and intense desires have lessened, I'm uncomfortable with the knowledge that I'm single, to this day. I find it sad how the knowledge of being single bothers me more than the actual experience.

Another reason for my hardship with coping with singlehood is watching many of my peers getting engaged. It's a constant reminder of my failed relationships. As a perfectionist, I've always struggled with accepting my failures. Additionally, having experienced positive emotions when crushing on a guy and dating someone I like, even if only short-term, I find it hard to find other ways to feel just as good (or better).

The most important reason for my hardship with coping with singlehood is this gaping hole that I have in my heart, causing me to feel like something is missing. Now I'm not sure how I associated it to love but without it I feel incomplete. Maybe it's the human need of belonging. That is, my need to be with someone who accepts me, values me and loves me unconditionally. You know, the ultimate bond like no other...

Love,
Faigy

My Heart Hurts

All I needed was for you to stay
but you just walked away.
I needed you to hold me tight
but you were out of sight.
I cried all night.
We carried on, despite the neglect
but a trail of hurt is all you set.
So I found the courage within me
and set myself free.
Now I see you occasionally
and you try to be friendly.
But I'm not able to erase
all the sad feelings when I see your face.

While it's good for you to be busy,
I wish you made time for me.
You said you wanted me by your side
but you just took me along for the ride.
You'd only make time for me
when you needed me sexually.
That night after the movie
the way you made me feel so uneasy
is still in my mind vividly.
I felt used
and confused.
Unsure of what to do,
I gave another chance to you.
Some days were good, some bad.
But when I think of you I'm mostly sad.

From the moment we met, I was unhappy.
I ignored my inner voice telling me
that this is not the way it should be.
You felt my anxiety but didn't care.
You didn't stop- how unfair!
I tried to say "no"
so you would let go.
But I froze and said nothing.
Now I wish I said something.
I cried endlessly.
It still haunts me, occasionally.
I'm disappointed with myself mainly,
for not having dealt with you more firmly.

Finding love is like a game of ping-pong.
All the back and forth- it's taking so long!
It's caused me to be impatient but strong.
I'll wait because I don't want to be
with just anybody.
But someone who makes me happy.
I've been in so much pain
but that wasn't in vain.
Every experience had something to offer
and has made me much tougher.
So I wait
and try to stay in a healthy state.
Wouldn't want to miss an opportunity
to be with someone special to me.

Lessons On Love

From every lesson I grow.
I have my high points and my low.
Whatever love brings my way,
I know I'll be okay.
I stand tall,
having been through it all:
challenges that are big and small.

I learned to let my heart do the feeling
and my head the thinking.
Not the reverse
or things will become worse and worse.
Not to give my heart to someone who doesn't deserve it.
But to give a chance to someone who seems fit.

I learned that no expectations
means no frustrations.
I can control my reactions
but not others' actions.
I try to be happy
and not let others make me angry.
Happiness can only be found within me
and not externally.

I learned that love is no fantasy.
It's important to stay grounded in reality.
Living in a love bubble
will only lead to trouble.
I should see in my man the best,
while remembering that what I see is what I get.
I can't change him... I must not forget!
I can work on me
and on me only.

I learned that happiness is perception.
It's something I must work on, no question.
Love is hard and unpredictable
but my belief in it is unshakable.
While love is something I fear,
I know I must persevere.

Although love didn't always last,
the past is the past.
I must not jump into things too fast.
And take things at my pace
because finding a husband is no race!

Love is pain
but there's so much to gain.
I must find happiness outside of love
and put my fate in the above.
Love exists, it's just hard to find
because it's one of a kind!