Sunday, March 25, 2018

Trapped In The Future

I have been told by men to live in the moment.
To do so seems almost impossible to me because of my future-oriented mindset.
Yet, (almost) every person that comes into our life, has a lesson to teach us.
So I wonder, what is the lesson to be learned here?
Will living in the moment bring me greater happiness?
My heart is heavy with the pain of my past and my lungs are filled with toxins.
I try to reduce the swarm of thoughts and emotions and just focus on the now.
Yet, it’s difficult to practice mindfulness, when my mind is always on auto-pilot.

I can’t seem to keep my mind from running a million miles an hour.
Thinking about the future gives me comfort.
It helps me manage my anxiety, through preparation.
It helps me escape my uncertainties of the present.
And gives me hope that I can mold my future.
I fantasize about a future that makes up for my past.
But my fantasies take me away from real life moments.
My fantasies are momentarily pleasant but sometimes turn into expectations.
Expectations sometimes lead to disappointment.
And disappointment to unhappiness.

I don’t know what my future holds.
When will I get married? When will I have children? Will I have a satisfying job? Will I live a good life?
I obsess about it but I don’t want to.
I don’t want to live as if there’s no tomorrow because if I do I will have nothing left.
I don’t want to live as if only tomorrow exists because if I do I will never actually get to live.
I just hope to find some moments where the future doesn’t exist so I can experience life’s beauties.
My future will be brighter, if I make the best of the present.
Yet, my present will not be brighter, if I only live for the future.
I regret always allowing my guilt to pull me away from present moments. 
I regret living life, without really thinking and really feeling.
Or, thinking too much and feeling too much.
I just want to be mindful, grateful and happy.











Sunday, March 11, 2018

If I Could

If I could say something to my 13 year old self, what would it be?
Don’t let bullies get to you. One day you’ll have friends who love you.
If I could say something to my 15 year old self, what would it be?
Be yourself and don’t allow others to make you feel bad about it.
If I could say something to my 17 year old self, what would it be?
Don’t feel pressured deciding what you want to do with your life.
If I could say something to my 20 year old self, what would it be?
Take care of yourself...it feels good. 
If I could say something to my 23 year old self, what would it be?
Live up to your own standards and stop competing with others.
What would I like to say to my now 25 year old self?
Stop obsessing about meeting your soulmate. It will happen, when the time is right.

I don’t want to spend my singlehood worried.
Worried about ending up alone.
So much of my energy has been wasted.
Wasted on comparing myself to other young people who have found their soulmate and wondering when my time will come. 
While I’m single, I might as well take advantage.
Advantage of the time I have to explore what I want to do with my life, gain experience and work on myself. I want to stop wasting my time being an unhappy and self-pitying single. It’s not my time and I refuse to continue in my self-destructive single ways.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

True Love

Love is work.
A work of art.
Love is growth.
Growth requires nurture.
Love is strong.
Strong enough to overcome.

Love is knowing to let go.
Let go of our trust issues.
Love is mindfulness.
Mindfulness of our experiences.
Love is maximizing the little moments.
Moments that create a greater story.
Love is forgiveness.
Forgiveness of the other for not being perfect.

Love is completeness.
Completeness of the mind, body and soul.
Love is joy.
Pure rare joy.
Love takes time.
But is timeless.