Why Having No Expectations Will MakeYou A Better Dater

So this cute guy asks you out. You're really excited and immediately start imagining how the date will go. And you may even start imagining him as your boyfriend/husband. While it's important to go into a date with a positive attitude, it's also important to be realistic. Things may go unexpectably good or bad. When your hopes are high, you may be disappointed with the way things actually turn out, thus feeling a sense of loss over someone you barely knew. To avoid such pain, it's best not to have any expectations. If things work out, great. If they don't, it'll be ok.

When you're dating someone new, it's easy to focus on the positives and put aside the negatives. It's easy because as humans we have a desire to be with someone. Yet, picture this. You meet a guy online, chat for a bit and meet in person. A picture is only a picture and words are only words. People can misrepresent themselves and we can misrepresent people. I've struggled with not having expectations of dates for a long time because I had hope that things will work out. I'd focus so much on the positives that I'd be blindsided by the negative turnout of events.

What does it mean to not have expectations from your date? This involves several components. First, don't overthink things. While this may be difficult to do, stopping ourselves when we start overthinking things keeps us from getting our hopes up or down. For example, deciding that he's a gentleman, based on what he's been telling you, might leave you surprised when you don't get that same picture in real life. Now that your expectation and reality clash, your judgment of this guy for the rest of the date might be clouded. If you go in with no expectations, you're less likely to be disappointed or at least you won't be as disappointed.

Second, remember that you don't know a person you recently met very well. Even if you've been talking for weeks, people's true colors can take a while to show. Once you see the person in different settings, you might see very different sides to him/her. Also, you can't be sure about his/her intentions, until you really get to know the person. If you expect your date to have only good intentions, you might get hurt when you find out he/she doesn't.

Third, look at every date as an adventure. Instead of having expectations, go in thinking of it as an experience. You'll have a more positve mindset this way. And your mindset on a date will effect your perception of things and the person. If things don't work out, you won't feel as let down as you would if your date didn't live up to your expectations. Also, if things go well, you'll be pleasantly surprised. That feeling of clicking with someone better than you would've imagined is exciting and wonderful. You'll be glad that you gave this person a chance. And you'll become (more) open-minded about who you date in the future (if he's/she's not the one). With your lack of expectations, you'll be ready to grab opportunities to experience this.

Going into a date with no expectations doesn't mean you should have a negative attitude. On the contrary, it means you should go into it with a positive attitude and know that whatever happens, you'll be ok. If things end, you won't be reminiscing over what "should've" been, as you're aware that things can turn out unexpectedly bad or good. No matter what happens, you'll be able to move on and keep on going through the process, until you find someone who's right for you. Expectations after all are nothing more than our imaginations telling us what should be. Reality is, that's out of our control.

Should We "Just Be Ourselves"?

The saying goes "just be yourself". But many people pretend to be someone they aren't, as they're afraid that their true selves will be rejected. This is counter-intuitive, as most people want to be with someone who'll accept them for their true selves. Whether or not we present our true selves, there may be repercussions. That is, if we're our true selves, there's a possibility we'll be rejected. On the other hand, if we pretend to be someone who the other person likes, we aren't accepted for our true selves.

When we meet a person with whom there's nothing romantic, it's much easier to just be ourselves. Because if we don't click with the person, there's usually no other consequence then the two of us not being friends. However, it's different when we have romantic feelings for a person. With the latter we can actually get hurt, if the person doesn't want to be with the person we truly are. We all desire to be with someone who accepts us for who we truly are. We want to be able to share our thoughts, hopes and dreams with this person. And for them to love us both for our strengths and weaknesses. Yet, to find such a match is difficult and not many people will "fit" us as a partner.

I always felt it was important to be true to who I truly am, when it comes to dating. But I've come to realize that there's a huge consequence to showing my true colors right away. That is, scaring guys away. While I've always told myself that if a guy is right for me he'll appreciate my intense, genuine and open nature, I often feel that I'm too much to handle. Therefore, a part of me feels that someone "like me" should still be myself but in a toned-down version,  if I ever want to end up in a serious relationship. However, the other part of me feels like I should just be myself, without holding back.

Ideally, I would be with an amazing guy who doesn't hesitate to accept me as I am. Yet, given that I tend to scare guys away, I wonder if I would finally find someone great, if I toned my personality down. For example, I recently met someone with whom I had a great connection with, or so I thought. I felt so comfortable with him that I opened up to him early on. I was surprised and hurt with the way things ended right when I thought they started. In reflecting back on this experience, maybe we would have continued seeing each other, if we weren't so open with each other so soon. But then again, the more investment you put in another person, the greater the pain when things end. So isn't it a good thing that we were so open with each other early on? In other words, why not be our total absolute selves from the get-go? Why only bring the positive aspects out early on, if we want someone to accept us for us?

Whether or not we stick to our our true selves, when dating, there may be negative consequences. So should we really abide by the saying "just be yourself" or should we modify it to "just be yourself *conditions may apply"?

Staying Hopeful In The Face Of Failed Attempts At Love

Are you fed up with putting yourself out there, only to find yourself single once again? Trusting someone new after having been let down many times by others is difficult, yet essential to finding a partner.

Trust is an interesting thing, as no matter how often you've been let down by the men/women you trusted, you must trust other people, in order to find someone who's right for you. That is, if you go into every new interaction with the mindset that you'll be let down, you'll end up not giving the person a fair chance, ultimately ruining any chances of things going somewhere. Because instead of opening yourself up to the person, you'll be too busy protecting yourself from getting hurt by closing yourself up, which will create a distance between the two of you.

It's difficult to connect with someone when you're too busy protecting yourself from getting hurt. Yet, it's also difficult to trust someone when you keep on getting hurt. This catch-22 is what I often find myself facing. I want to find that special someone with whom I can relate to on different levels. But I don't want to find myself hurt yet again. Thing is, finding love can be a painful process. Every time you trust someone, there's a chance you'll get hurt.

Take me for example. I recently met a man with whom I felt a genuine connection with early on. And I don't tend to find myself this connected to men. Anyways, he seemed to feel connected to me as well and things were going great. Until one day, things abruptly ended. I was left feeling silly for letting my guards down (for once) and opening up to someone. A part of me wanted to give up on trying to find someone else, while the other realistic part of me knew things weren't going to get better, if I just stopped trying. It's OK to take a break from the dating scene and even necessary at times. Yet, once you do get back into it, it's important to have a positive attitude.

While you can't always see pain in the forecast, extracting the lessons from your past experiences and applying them to your new ones, makes the love process easier. Learning is growing. So you have a frustrating experience but at least now you know something new. For example, from the previous experience I mentioned, I learned not to completely open myself up right away. Of course, I was just being my genuine, open self but in doing so I felt that I invested so much in this man, although I barely knew him! That is, the more you give of yourself to others, the more difficult it becomes to let go. Now I know, in order to not be so torn about someone who is practically a stranger to me when things end, I should take things slower and invest less, until I get to know the person better.

Finding a balance between giving enough but not too much of yourself, when you first get to know someone is trial and error. We got to try in order to find our comfort zone. Love is about losing before you gain. This is because love is irrational, unpredictable and a gamble. There's no formula to love that tells us if you do so and so you will get such and such result. At first, we love and we learn, not the other way around. Eventually, we are able to apply our lessons to love. The lessons we were taught give us insight and help us make better choices. Experience is key. But to get that experience, we got to trust and take chances.

Six Things Men Must Not Do To The Woman They're Dating

Following are some things that men shouldn't do to the woman they're dating and the reasons why.

1. Don't ignore her texts. Texting allows you to multi-task, so as busy as you may be, you can definitely find a moment to answer her text. If you really can't, tell her you'll have to get back to her later. Ignoring her texts will make her feel anxious and annoyed.

2. Don't tell her she's overreacting. Telling a woman she needs to calm down is a terrible thing. It's completely normal for a woman to become emotional about things. Keep in mind that men and women are designed differently. Women tend to be more emotional than men. Try to be empathetic with her and provide her with a safe space to express herself, without making her feel she's crazy. So if she gets upset with you, try to see things from her perspective. If you keep on blowing her off when she talks about feelings, things will most likely not end well.

3. Don't pretend everything's ok when it's really not. If there's something that's bothering you, let your partner know. Be upfront. For example, if you're looking to be serious with someone who's secular but the woman you're dating is religious, let her know. She deserves to know. Letting her fall for you, when you don't see yourself with her is unfair. Also, the shock when you do eventually tell her that you no longer want to date her makes things even more painful.

4. Don't be vague about your intentions. Ask her what she's looking for and see if it aligns with what you're looking for. If it doesn't discuss it with her and see if it's worth continuing seeing each other. This conversation is best to have early on to avoid one/both partners investing time/energy in something that will end in pain. For example, if you're just looking for something casual don't pretend that you're looking for a long-term relationship.

5. Don't make promises you can't keep. Honesty is very important in a relationship. Honesty in a relationship allows for mutual trust. When you lie, you risk losing your partner's trust. Both parties in a relationship should feel comfortable with being honest with one another. If not, there won't be proper communication, which can lead to a lot of future problems. So don't try to impress the woman you're dating with a lot of lies to make yourself look good. While it may be a short-term solution to keep her interested, it will likely work against you in the long run.

6. Don't give her mixed signals. Giving a woman mixed signals is selfish and unjustifiable. Just because you can't make up your mind about whether or not you like her, doesn't mean that you have to confuse her too! Playing mind games with her isn't nice. Don't flirt with a woman sometimes and then ignore her other times. Or, don't keep telling her you want to see her but then cancel your dates.