“Sorry” Is Not Necessary for Closure

Isn’t it really annoying when guys won’t say “sorry” after they’ve wronged you? I used to think that if only I reasoned with them, they would get on their hands and knees and beg to get me back…Ok, not quite like that but I thought that it was at least important that guys realize they hurt me. For example, if a guy plays me by acting interested for a while and then rejects me when I finally tell him I’m interested, I want the guy to apologize to me for humiliating me in such a manner.  Yet, in my experience men almost never apologize to me and if they do it’s questionable whether or not they mean it. Further, instead of apologizing to me guys tend to accuse me of being too sensitive, dramatic, always being angry with them, etc. Excuse me, I’m none of those things! I have a high moral standard and I expect the same from the men I date. I’m all about mutual respect in a relationship: I respect your feelings and needs and you respect mine. Seems simple and fair but I’m consistently being hurt by guys who can’t admit they were in the wrong or simply don’t even think so.

The fact that I’m a fixer doesn’t help. When there is a problem I want to solve it and move on, including when it comes to relationships. I’ve learned though that many guys who consistently hurt women don’t care about their feelings and that’s why they are able to do so without apologizing. To me when one person hurts someone else it’s common sense to apologize but not everyone sees it that way and that is a very tough life lesson that I’ve learnt. Thing is, it’s important to be able to move on, even without an apology. You can’t control what comes out of anyone’s mouth so don’t expect men to apologize. If you do you are only impeding yourself from moving past the difficult situation. It’s normal if you cringe every time you see that mean guy but you must control your emotions and not let them take over your entire being. The best thing that you can do for yourself is keep in mind that you deserve better than to harbour that hate inside you. Be strong, move on and be happy!  

On Learning To Say “No”

I think saying “no” to a guy is the hardest thing for me in a relationship. I don’t like conflict and I try to avoid it, even when I have a price to pay. Further, I tend to put my partner’s needs before mine to keep him satisfied. I convince myself that I “want” what he wants and that I “should” do it, although I feel extremely uncomfortable. It’s happened several times to me where a guy tries to have sex with me and I just sort of go along with it. While my mind is screaming “no” my lips remain shut and my body goes along with the motions….It’s very hard to explain, let alone make sense of it myself. What really upsets me is how some of these guys are unable to read my body language or simply ignore it. When a guy sees that I’m acting nervous or uncomfortable then they should ask me why this is so or back off. Instead, my silence is taken as a green light by the guy. Despite all this, I would say that I’m generally a pretty assertive person and I always speak my mind. So it’s all the more strange that I end up in these sort of situations too often. I struggle between being assertive and being that person that avoids conflict.

While I don’t want to cause conflict between my partner and I, I’ve learned that one must take care of his/her own needs, even if this may cause others to be unhappy. Not only do we owe it to ourselves to take care of our own needs, we also owe it to our partner.  If our needs are not met then eventually the relationship will deteriorate, as we will be unhappy. Additionally, if our partner really cared about us, he/she would appreciate that we have the self-worth to take care of our needs and will be inclined to satisfy them too. Someone who doesn’t bother with our needs, is someone who doesn’t care about us. Even if the relationship is casual, our partner should have our needs, even if only physical, in mind. For example, if our partner is only concerned about his/her own pleasure during sex, than he/she is being selfish and we deserve better than being with a selfish person! I mean, telling our partner that our needs are not being met, might lead him/her to act upon them. But if our partner remains selfish then it’s probably best to move on.

Basically, we must communicate with our partner in order to be able to satisfy each other’s needs. If communication doesn’t help then it shows a lack of concern for the dignity and care of the other person. If our partner doesn’t care, it’s best to be dignified and move on. 

My Problems With Monogamy

Is there ONE special someone out there for all of us? They say there is a (one) lid for every pot but is it true? I mean I would be monogamous and date one man at a time, if I thought he provided me with all or at least with most of the things I look for in a man. The reality is, the dating world is tough and finding your specific lid is even tougher. Being monogamous isn’t necessarily the best way to find your lid and here are SOME reasons why:

Monogamy limits our options.

Western society tells us that we must live a monogamous lifestyle to be “normal”. Now, let me say that I do NOT condone polygamy. But I see nothing wrong with dating multiple people at the same time, as long as you are always honest with the person you are dating. By honesty I mean that you and your partner have to clearly say what kind of relationship each of you is looking for-committed, not committed, friends with benefits, etc. If the two of you decide that you want to date each other but see other people as well then there is nothing wrong with going forth with that. In fact, an advantage of dating multiple people at the same time is that you learn quicker what you want in a partner than if you date one person at a time. For example, John takes you out to dinner and asks you how your day was, whereas Gabe doesn’t because all he cares about is having sex with you. So based on how both of these experiences made you feel, you can get a better idea of what you want and don’t want in a man.

Monogamy reinforces the illusion of a prince charming.

Prince charming/ a perfect man does not exist. In fact, if he’s charming you might want to watch out because charming MIGHT mean trouble. After all, it’s a common trait among players and just because a guy is charming it doesn’t mean that he is being genuine. While prince charming doesn’t exist, there are sweet, caring guys who are “real”. The problem is that when a woman searches for prince charming/a perfect man, she’ll keep on rejecting guys, as they don’t fit her high standards. Monogamy gives women this false idea that they have to hold back from dating until mister right sweeps them off their feet. On the other hand, in dating several guys, you learn that prince charming does not exist, as you realize that men are just people, with flaws like everyone else and thus you learn to adjust your standards (not lower them!).

Basically, monogamy has a way of pressuring us to settle down with one person, whom we convince ourselves is prince charming, whereas dating several people at the same time can, if done properly, allow us to compare the way different guys make us feel and ultimately help us make a thoughtful decision about which of these guys exemplifies what we are looking for in a partner.

I do believe that eventually, when you find the right guy, who fulfills all your needs and who treats you great, it is worth committing to him and even being exclusive maybe. Yet, until you find that person, monogamy does not have to be the automatic option. Because it is better to date a lot, discover what you want in a partner and settle with a person who has those qualities, than to put a guy on a pedestal, without examining if he is really the right “fit” for you.

How To Stop Attracting Players

Do you feel like your destiny is to attract players? And do you want to change that? Well, in the following piece you will find some tips on how to do that.

It is important to understand that you cannot change the behavior of others, without the person's will to do so. In other words, if you thought of changing him, don't even bother, unless he acknowledges that he needs to change. Now that we got that out of the way, let's return to the question of how to stop attracting players...

1) When you are first getting to know a guy that is a potential date, be sure to ask him what he is looking for in a partner. Now, this does not need to be awkward if you don't make it awkward. Just ask him straight up if he is looking for something strictly casual (sex only), casual dating (non-committed dating) or marriage. Based on this answer alone, you can already know to swipe left or right. This is an important question to ask because it can keep you from hooking up with guys who you thought were gonna want a relationship but actually just want to sleep with you.

2) Be careful with how you present yourself to guys when you first get to know them. While you should always be yourself, be careful about the things you tell him. Perhaps sexting with a cute stranger you just met is not a great idea. Given the way the male brain is designed, while us women might only intend to flirt by sending sexy messages, men can interpret it as an invitation to sex. If you are only looking to have sex then that's fine but if you are looking for something more, make him earn those sexy messages, with good behavior ;) Players look out for women who they can get in bed quickly, so if you are sending sexy messages right away and presenting yourself as easy, even though it is not the case, players will flock around you and you don't want that....

3) Know your boundaries and stick to them. If a guy disrespects your boundaries, move on, he is not worth it. Guys must know that you respect yourself and that you expect them to respect you, or else, you are giving an opening for these players to come into your life, get what they want from you (sex) and leave you once they got it once they are ready to move on. Don't let his sweet charms and good looks fool you, he is just playing you to get what HE wants and this may not be what you want!

In following these simple steps CONSISTENTLY you can make a huge difference in your dating life. A key ingredient to a healthy relationship is communication. Tell him what your expectations are and stick to your values. It's only you who decides what you deserve!

COMMENTS ARE WELOCOME :)

Why I Always Attract Players And How I Deal With It

I have a very special gift…attracting players. I know what you are probably thinking: that’s the kind of guy I’m into, or I just try to “fix” these guys and end up getting hurt or worse, that I must have low self-esteem to think I can’t do better. But that’s not the reality. The reality is I just always seem to end up in messy situations with guys (we’ll get to that eventually). And normally I terminate things with players early into the relationship but there is still the residual pain.

I will admit that there is something appealing about players but is it too much to ask for a guy who is charming, cute and respectful of me? Like just because I am not looking for a serious relationship, it doesn’t mean that I am saying yes to being mistreated! I’ve come to a point in my life, where at 23 years old, I’m used to crossing paths with these guys to the point where my view of men is skewed. Yet I try to stay positive and remind myself that from every situation we come out of, there is something we can learn. Yes, it’s hard to remember that when you are pitying yourself for attracting yet another jerk but you must move on for your well-being.  

So here are some of the things I have learnt so far:

•  I am not attracting the wrong type of guy, but the wrong guys within my type. The difference lies in the individual guy, rather than the “category” of guy. That is, if one was to divide different personality types into categories, “charming/flirtatious” would be the title of one of these. Yes, I am saying that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to this category of guys. The problem lies with SOME of the guys within the “charming/flirtatious” category, who are players. And the players are the guys who play with your head and/or heart and who don’t respect your needs and boundaries. Basically, you can still find the traits that consistently attracts you in these jerks, but in guys who respect you and cherish you. So think to yourself, what do I like about these guys? Whether it’s their charm, their confidence, their adventurousness, etc. just find it in guys who use these traits in a positive way!

• Not to show players how much they have hurt you. This will only cause them to think that you are too emotional, too dramatic and they might tell you the much hated “calm down, you are overreacting”. Players don’t want to invest in your emotions (or in their own for that matter). Instead, call someone you trust and let your emotions flow with them, they can give you the support and respect you deserve, not these jerks. What you should do is ignore these guys or keep them in your life without getting close. I for one am straightforward so I call guys out when they have wronged me, but I keep it brief and focus on moving on. What you choose to do really depends on the specific situation and on your personality/what you can manage. Here are two things that might happen: the players will either be more interested in you or they’ll just leave you alone and move on too. But please do not attempt to change these guys…It is not your job!

NEXT UP: how to avoid attracting players in the first place...