My Greatest Wish This New Year

My greatest wish for myself this New Year is accepting where I am in my life. I want to feel content with what I have accomplished so far and continue being grateful for what I have. I no longer want to compete against my own ideals of who I should be and what I must accomplish. I want to rid myself of the mainly self-imposed pressure that I gave into. I am in this life to prosper from my strengths and grow from my weaknesses. I cannot do better than my best. My best is very different than another person’s best but it is time I start accepting that. It is also time I shift my focus from what I did not accomplish yet to living life in the present.

I have a very future-oriented mindset. I usually make decisions based on what I deem best in the long run. I am so ambitious that I am often impatient when I do not see results quickly enough. I am a hard worker but I always criticize myself for not doing enough. My view of success is based a lot on time. In other words, I always felt that in order to be successful I must reach certain milestones by a certain age. I am twenty-five years old and all I do is focus on all the things I have not yet accomplished or experienced, such as being in love. 

I no longer want to feel like a failure in most aspects of my life. I want to find peace of mind and soul. I often tell myself that if there was at least one aspect in my life in which I felt successful in, such as my career or love life, I would be happy. Love is a big aspect in which I feel like I am a failure. I always hoped that by my age I would have experienced many things that I never did. I hoped that at my age I would have already met someone with whom there is potential for something long-term. The fact that I did not worries me that I will be an old mother. While my “old” may be considered young by many others, I feel disappointed that my life’s timeline is way off than what I would have liked. 

Being critical of myself all the time is keeping me from living in the present. I am tired of judging myself and comparing my accomplishments and experiences to others. With this New Year, I just want to appreciate the journey. I trust in G-d that He will bring the right things in my life at the right time. I will continue working hard, no matter how stuck I feel. I will continue staying as positive as I can because I can’t envision anything other than greatness and accomplishment in my future. My timeline may be off but my potential is ever so clear to me.

Dear Diary (Week 32),

I accept myself the way I am. I don’t need a man to be happy. But I need a man to feel complete. I wish I wasn’t so consumed with finding love but it’s always on my mind. It’s difficult not to think about how I’m single when I feel like a huge part of my life is missing. It’s difficult enjoying singlehood when  I’ve been single for too long. It’s difficult finding satisfaction as a single woman when time flies by leaving me to wonder how much longer I have to wait.

I don’t love myself because I know I’m still growing and I can and will become so much more. I have changed so much for the better and I continue to challenge myself regularly because that’s what life is about. Despite not loving myself yet, I have grown so much more confident. I enjoy spending time on my own but not for too long, otherwise, I feel restless. Besides, I’ve enjoyed my own company for too long. It’s time I met someone else who enjoys my company and vice-versa.

I’m trying to find meaning in my present situation. I’m grateful for what I have and the wonderful people in my life. Yet, I always look towards the future and hope to improve my situation. I’m also impatient for fate to play its part in ameliorating my life. There’s nothing that equals love or that can replace it. I will keep on focusing on the good in my life but I will always wait for love to fill the void in my being. Love is an important piece of my life that’s missing. While I manage without it, I’m left feeling incomplete. 

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 31),

I hope to fall in love one day with a great human being, rather than the concept of him. I’m not looking to be with someone so we can prove our love all over social media. I’m not looking for the picture-perfect kind of love. I’m looking for something pure. I’m looking for someone who’ll love me so much and vice-versa that when we’re in each other’s presence our love will light up the space we’re in. I’m looking for the kind of love that radiates, no picture taken and no words spoken.

Love to me so far has been nothing more than an illusion. Love seems so ungraspable, far removed from reality, merely a dream. Why is love so hard to find? At best potential dissipated into nothingness. At best I trusted wolves in sheep’s skin. At best I lived in a bubble of hope for better. I settled for who I thought these men could be but never were just to avoid my own company. I hate being single. For some reason being single feels lonely, even though I’m blessed with wonderful people who care about me in my life. 

I sometimes wish I was satisfied with loving the concept of someone. At least that way I could live in bliss. Being blinded by love can be a gift, a pleasurable distraction from loneliness. Ultimately, I know that for a healthy relationship it’s best to love the person rather than the concept of him/her. I want to recognize the other person and vice-versa, for who they are, flaws and all and still accept him/be accepted. I want us to create a space where we can talk about everything and anything openly. I want us to also feel so comfortable that awkward silences don’t exist. I want those things that truly matter to me.

I don’t expect him to change. I want him to just be and I hope that he becomes. I’m not falling in love with who he could be but who he is. I want to be with someone who seeks to grow in his own development and to help me grow our love for each other. I’m not asking for the dream man or a dreamy kind of love. I’m just asking for the imperfect man who complements my imperfections perfectly. I want the kind of love that is realistic, tangible and conceivable. When will my dreams come true?

Love,

Faigy

Dear Diary (Week 30),

It seems that people only want to hear about the positive side of love. People don’t want to hear about the hardships and struggles. I get more of a positive reaction when I write about lovey-dovey things than the nitty-gritty side of love. I don’t write to impress. I don’t write to be popular. I don’t write for the likes and shares (although getting them is nice). I write to help make some sense of all the thoughts running through my head. It’s also my outlet for expressing my emotions in a healthy and artistic way. Aside from the benefits to me, I hope that my writing can help others going through some of the same things I go through. 

I’m open about my experiences with love. People can judge me for being this open but people’s opinions won’t stop me from writing. I speak about the trials and tribulations of love. I’m proud of myself that I have the courage to say things that people avoid addressing. The truth sometimes hurts but avoiding it is way more damaging in the long run. Writing is my way of working through my pain. It is the voice of my heart. My writing helps me in my self-growth and motivates me to do better for myself. 

My experiences won’t be the same as everyone else’s. But they are my experiences and people don’t get to undermine them. People don’t get to tell me how I should write. I write from the heart and that’s my style. I’m a realist and I stay away from the superficial “love is perfect” illusion that so many people seem to be engulfed in. I seek to understand my past and current situation when it comes to love so that I can be in a better place. My past shaped me in many ways and taught me a lot about myself and what I must improve on. I’m on a journey of self-discovery and my writing is my guide.

Love,

Faigy