Overthinking Love

When dating, it's easy to overthink every little thing that men/women are saying/not saying and doing/not doing. When it comes to love, people say/do things they might normally not. Even they might not be able to explain why they said/did something. It's only up to us to stop ourselves from trying to figure out the answers to all the "why" questions and accept not knowing. Here is why and how you should stop yourself from overthinking.

Let's say you're dating a man for a month now and overall, things are going well. Valentine's day comes up and he sends you a very casual, afterthought message ("btw, happy valentines day" kind of message), in the evening. How you respond is your choice. Of course, how you interpret the situation will impact your response. However, overthinking starts right here with interpretation. Even if you have the worst possible interpretation, you have to realize that you might be wrong. More importantly, trying to figure out all the "whys", won't do you much good. Rather, focus on what you want to do (talk to the person, break-up, etc.).

I'm aware when I overthink things but I feel helpless to stop myself. I do it while dating and in every aspect of my life. Overthinking is like analyzing to an extreme and it's unhealthy. Overthinking involves the past, present and future. The past because you're obsessively thinking about something that happened. The present because the overthinking process is taking place in the moment. And the future because you're worried about what will/won't happen.

Overthinking is a defense mechanism. It allows one to find predictability in the unpredictable and clarity in the obscure. Not knowing why a man said/did so and so makes me anxious. Thus, I come up with reasons. Problem is these reasons are usually upsetting. That is, while I might not be anxious over not knowing something, as I'm overthinking why it happened, I'm now upset over what I think I know. It's only natural for our brain to try and make sense of events that transpire. But it's important to accept the fact that sometimes we won't have answers, or we'll have them but at a later time.

How can you stop yourself from overthinking? First, acknowledge that you're doing this. If you have to say it aloud to yourself, do it. Second, take a moment to catch your breath. Third, tell yourself that overthinking has no positive outcome, other than maybe allowing you to come up with answers. You might not even like these answers, which is why it's not so positive. Fourth, remind yourself that there's no guarantee that you have the correct reasons for  another person's behavior. Different people react differently in the same situations. Lastly, tell yourself that it's OK and most likely, better that you don't have the answers.

Overthinking tends to lead our imaginations to the worst answers for the questions we have about others' behaviors. Things aren't always how they appear. Catch yourself from overthinking, as it's unproductive. Focus on the actions that you'll take, moving forward, rather than the thoughts that will hold you back.

Be With A Man Who Appreciates You

We all want to feel appreciated by our man and we deserve it. It gives us a sense of security and comfort. If he doesn't appreciate you, he probably has the wrong intentions. Following are some signs that your man appreciates you.

If he cares, he'll let you know. What he gives is all that you'll get. I often fall in the trap of giving men too many chances, hoping they'll change their behaviors. Thing is they don't. Maybe one day they'll change their behaviors for a woman they love. But the change has to come from the men themselves. After a couple of chances, if your man doesn't change his ways, it's probably time to move on. The last thing you should be doing is asking him to be more appreciative of you.

If he cares, he'll be naturally inclined to compliment you, respect you and try to make you smile. You shouldn't feel the need to ask him to do so. And you definitely shouldn't be the only one making an effort. Reciprocity is very important in relationships. A lack of it can lead to resentment, loneliness and insecurity.

If he cares, he'll be scared to lose you. So when you fight rather than ignore you, he'll try to work through the problem with you. If he's in the wrong, he'll apologize and do what it takes to get your trust back. He'll invest time and energy in your relationship because he values it. If he's not afraid to lose you, he'll find someone else, instead of working through your problems.

If he cares, he'll encourage you to be you. It's very important that you're given a safe space to express yourself. You shouldn't worry that whatever you do/say will scare him away. If he tells you that you shouldn't be emotional, he's not interested in you as a person. In that case, he might just want you for sex or other purposes.

If he cares, he'll treat you like a rarity not a commodity. He'll do nice things to please you and not to satisfy his own selfish needs. That is, he won't spend time with you/take you out and expect sex, for example, in return. Instead of pressuring you with his expectations, he'll give you reasons to trust him.

Although the points made above may seem obvious, it's very easy to neglect applying them to our own lives. It's difficult to let go of someone we appreciate, even if they don't appreciate us. Yet, if both people can't appreciate each other, they aren't a good match. Thus, if he doesn't appreciate you, let go of him and find someone who does.

On Being A "Strong" Man

I'm a strong woman. Experiences made me strong. Having gone through many difficult things, I learned to be more assertive and I have a much clearer picture of what I want in a partner. Considering that I'm a strong woman, I need to be with a strong man. Problem is, society tells men that they must always  keep their feelings to themselves and I find it very important to be with someone who expresses his emotions. Open communication is very important in a relationship. Thus, men should be encouraged to express their feelings. However, for them to be encouraged to do so, the following misconceptions of what it means to be a strong man must be addressed.

Being emotional means you aren't strong. On the contrary, being able to express your emotions, despite being bombarded with messages that only "girly" or "cowardly" men do so, makes you brave. When you hold back emotions from your female partner, she might become more emotional, as you're not giving her the affection she desires. It might also cause her to question your interest in her.

Real men don't express emotions. Girls express emotions because they're human and they're taught to do so. Men are humans with emotions too so society should encourage them to express their emotions as well. Additionally, what makes you a man is not about how well you can keep your emotions to yourself. Instead, it has to do with how you treat and make the women in your life feel, among other things. Keeping your feelings to yourself only creates a distance and a lack of trust between you and your partner. "Sharing is caring". You and your partner should create a safe space, where both of you can engage in authentic interactions, without being judged.

You won't be able to handle a strong woman, if you aren't super strong. I as a strong woman want to be with someone who's affectionate, caring, nurturing and empathetic. It's only human to want these things from someone who you care about. Strong, independent women, who don't need a man to take care of them, want to be held and comforted at times. We want a man who will break down our invisible walls and connect with us on a deep emotional level. You might have walls up too but here's where you can truly be strong by taking the initiative to break the barriers that's keeping you and your partner in a state of hurt and fear.

Whether you're a man or a woman, having emotions is human. Expressing them is too. Repressing your emotions for fear of being judged, won't work out in the long run. As a man, overcoming that fear is what makes you strong. Being emotional may not come naturally to you, as a strong man. However, many important things take hard work. And keep in mind that most women appreciate men who express their emotions.

Allowing Yourself To Be Loved

You finally meet someone who you really like. Someone who's patient, considerate, selfless and who gives you a lot of attention. Yet, you've been hurt so many times that you can't help but worry that this person will hurt you too. While you're happy and you know it, you can't seem to allow yourself to accept the love.

It's difficult to trust after you've had so many negative experiences. You've become so "used to" having your trust breached, your heart crushed, feeling misunderstood and being played that when you do find someone special, you over-analyze things. You're always on alert, taking things personal and questioning his intentions.

This person understands you and treats you well. However, you feel uncomfortable with accepting his kindness.Your mind is telling you that he's playing games. But your heart enjoys every minute of his kindness. He knows how to make you feel loved and lovable. When he holds you, you don't want the moment to end. When he listens to you, you feel heard. When he looks at you, you feel noticed. The more time you spend together, the more connected you feel.

The pain lingers. You're ready to fight, when all you need to do is allow yourself to be loved. But in order to be loved you must let go of the past, not through denial but through hard work. In a way, when you've been hurt so often, you're better prepared to be hurt yet again than to be loved. With time, the pain becomes just another part of your identity. Love, that's unknown territory to you. It causes you to be anxious, confused and even empty. Now that you're not in battle mode, your mind is at rest. And with your mind at rest, your past comes crashing down on you. Your anger and resentment melt away in tears of sadness. Anger and resentment is a cover-up for pain. So now you're happy with this special person but you're also sad.

When dating has turned you into a fighter, you may even want to fight love itself. But fighting is not the answer. Letting go is. You must let go of the negative thoughts and memories. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. In fact, remembering the important lessons of your negative experiences is what makes you strong. Remind yourself that you overcame them and you can make it through future struggles. When you can let go of the past, you'll have more energy to focus on the present. The present is good, you're with someone who makes you happy.

Love will happen. Choosing to reject it is denying yourself a basic human need. Let the tears out and let them wash away your pain. Deal with the pain in a healthy manner-talk to others, sing, dance, etc. And give love a chance. Love is kind. Love is patient. Love heals.