To Trust Or Not To Trust?

With every man I meet, many questions flood my head. Will this man be different from the men in my past? Will he respect me, appreciate me and treat me with kindness? Can I let my guards down around him, or, will he take advantage of my kind heart? Should I act tough around him so he knows he can’t mess with me? Can I flirt with him a bit, or will he only think about sex? Should I be my open genuine self with him from the get go? Or will he judge me? I really want to start fresh with every man I meet but I also want to use the lessons from my past experiences to make better choices with men.

I don’t want to project my past experiences with the men of my past unto each new man I meet. I don’t want to worry about how everything I say and do can be used against me. I want to feel free to live in the present with every new experience. I want to continue being myself and not worry about how every man I give a chance to will treat me. Most of all, I want to let go of the hurt I carry from the men of my past. Holding on to all the frustrations and disappointments of my past is exhausting. I want to give men a fair chance and not assume that they’ll be like the men of my past. Yet, I also want to be careful to stay away from men who will hurt me. Finding a balance between the two is a challenge.

If Only...

If only I met you now and not another time,

We’d be perfect for each other.

But then again, we’d be different people.

If only you had more time for me,

We’d be perfect for each other.

But if you cared enough, you’d make time.

If only you valued the times we spent together,

We’d be perfect for each other.

But if you thought I was special, you’d value those times.

If only we were looking for the same things in a partner at the same time, 

We’d be perfect for each other.

But then again, our journeys are different.

We deserve better than an excuse of time. Time can sometimes be the reason why two people can’t be together and that’s enough of a reason to not be with someone.

Similarly, people can only be who they are in the present. So if you meet them now they can’t offer you a future version of themselves, even if that version seems like a great fit for you. “Bad timing” just means it wasn’t meant to be. When things are meant to be they will fall into place and it will happen in “perfect timing”. 

Open Letter To All The Nice Guys

Nice guys,

Please quit complaining that girls always reject you because “you’re too nice”. First of all, I have yet to meet a man who is too nice. Second of all, you should always treat people with kindness. Now that we got that out of the way, I just wanted to say that if a woman tells you “you’re too nice” she could mean one of the following: “You’re so nice but I wish you took more initiative and had more of a backbone”. Let’s face it gentlemen, most women in a heterosexual relationship (I can’t speak for anything other than that) want to feel pursued, desired and needed. She’s telling you you’re not making her feel those things. She might also mean “You’re so nice but I don’t feel like you can handle me”. Women (such as myself) crave a man who can take us as we are, strong-willed, opinionated, feisty and all. You can’t tames us if you won’t even hurt a fly. Lastly, this phrase might mean “You’re so nice but boring”. Harsh but this means something is missing. Maybe she doesn’t feel the spark,tension, or excitement. And if she doesn’t feel that “special connection” in the beginning she won’t be enticed to get involved with you.

Take those “you’re too nice words” as a learning experience or leave it as it is and find someone who doesn’t think you’re too nice. But absolutely don’t think the solution is to turn into a jerk. Some women go for jerks not because they love to be mistreated (at least most women don’t) but because they’re attracted to something those jerks offer them that you’re not. Show her different sides to you. Find out how to talk to her in a way that she responds to. The greatest sex organ in a woman is her mind. Stimulate her with your words, kindness and passion. Remember, most women aren’t satisfied with the jerks in the long run because of their hurtful words and unkind ways. Learn from the jerks. Use their skill of keeping a woman enticed with you’re kind heart and you make for the perfect catch.

Remember, nice guys win in the end. Ultimately, women want the nice guy to marry them and raise a family with. But yes, too much of anything is never good, including niceness. Did you ever consider that maybe deep down inside the woman who told you you’re too nice wishes you would just tweak things a bit here and there? Maybe she tells herself “he’s so nice but if only...”. I’m not saying that you should change yourself (unless, you’re a jerk). Just change the way you make her feel. Give her reason to believe you can be a good friend and an even greater partner. Pay attention to what she looks for in a man specifically (don’t tell me “jerks”) and decide whether or not you can offer her that. 

Disclaimer: There’s also a possibility that the woman who told you you’re too nice made up her mind and will never see you as more than friends. Yet, it’s not always the case! So take that phrase as a challenge upon yourself to change the way that woman sees you. If it’s too late/doesn’t happen, there’s always next time. Winners have a winners mindset and losers a losers mindset. It all comes down to what you make of it. Are you going to start walking around with a losers “I’m too nice” mindset or “let me see what I can do to get a different outcome” winner’s mindset? I suggest that all you nice guys out there stop complaining about your difficulties in dating because you’re “too nice” and do something about your situation. Most importantly, do the world a favour and stay nice.

Me In The Mirror

With me, what you see is not what you get. I am more than my face and body. I am more than my sexuality. It is unfair how so many men define me by my physicality and neglect to see me for who I am as a human being. Nevertheless, what matters most is my own perception of myself. As long as I respect myself, I will only allow people in my life who deserve to be in it. Others will not succeed to shame me for being me because only I control the way I feel. Besides, judging others is easy but being in their shoes is impossible. 

I am not what I attract. I did nothing to deserve the pain some men in my life have inflicted upon me. My only mistake was giving these men too many chances and hoping that they will change for the better. The way I look, dress, talk and act does not justify the way some men treated me. I just let the wrong people get away with treating me badly. No one gets to blame men’s mistreatment of me on me.

In addition, when it comes to the way I look, dress, talk and act, the only person I have to answer to is the person I see staring back at me in the mirror. I do not have to change my ways. I do have to change who I let into my life. I am comfortable enough in my own skin to know that it is OK if not everyone likes me. I recognize I am not perfect. I am still finding myself and growing into a better version of myself. Yet, it is my journey and I will not allow others to tell me which path I must take.

Right now my commitment is to myself. I owe it to myself to surround myself with people who are kind and limit the toxicity in my life. I owe it to myself to be around people who do not judge me. I owe it to myself to be around people who like me the way I am. I know my potential as a partner and as a mother. I know that when I will be in those roles I will not be perfect but I will try my best. I owe it to myself to be with a man who sees that potential in me too.