Sunday, October 29, 2017

Dear Diary (Week 24),

He was everything that I hoped he would be, until the moment I met him. Anticipation turned into disappointment, the moment he opened his mouth. This is why I gave up on expectations when it came to guys. But the butterflies in my stomach showed up uninvited. My heart chose to skip a beat, without my permission. The excitement in my body overpowered that pessimistic voice in my head. And once again I fell victim to my own trap.

I realized I had met him in the past. In fact, I had met him many times. He was the guy who could’ve treated me better. Yet, I waited patiently for circumstances to change so that he could show me who he truly is. He was the guy who I wanted to “fix”. The guy who’s anger and distance I attributed to a vulnerability I understood. The guy who I was sympathetic to. The guy I thought would finally treat me with warmth, kindness and respect. But as he kept going on and on about nothing in particular, that familiar feeling became more and more undeniable. I wanted to ignore that feeling and focus on the image I created of him in my mind. And stick to the feelings I had initially felt. But reality hit me hard. And I just knew how our story would end if I gave him a chance. 

Love was harsh with me and I learned my lessons. I want to move forward and stay away from guys who hold me back. I know what I deserve and I’m done settling. I deserve to be with someone who’s patient, kind and unselfish, just like I am. I deserve to be spoiled with affection. I’m done settling for guys who offer me nothing more than false promises, hurt and emptiness. Yet, settling is where comfort lies. Darkness is where courage lies.

It’s getting dark and cold outside. I want to reach out to him and end my loneliness but I know better. The anticipation and excitement I initially felt over this stranger I know all too well is leaving a bad aftertaste in my mouth. My mind is still reminiscing over what could have been. But this is my test and I know I must be strong and walk away and so I do. His footsteps are an echo of my past. Mine are the footsteps into a new day...

Love,
Faigy

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Dear Diary (Week 23),

I was there for you but now I’m gone.
Fed up, tired, annoyed, done.
Chance, after chance, after chance.
Tangled in an endless, nauseating dance.
Excuses was all you ever gave me.
You weren’t going to change, clearly.
Selfishness, dismissiveness and complacency.

I gave and gave and kept giving.
Then I realized something was missing.
I kept waiting for you to come around
And forgot to stand my ground.
With you, I was way too nice,
Ultimately, paying the price.
But from our relationship, I did grow.
There are many things I now know.
I’ll keep dancing because dancing is fun
And not give up on finding the one.

Love,
Faigy


























Saturday, October 14, 2017

Dear Diary (Week 22),

I'm really bothered by how awkward and shy I’m around men I don’t know. I have a hard time starting conversations with people in general, let alone men. I don’t like approaching men for fear of saying something silly. But it’s more than that. I feel like a man who’s interested in me can at the very least approach me, one way or another. I mean, ideally, a man would come over to me and strike up a conversation. But if he can’t find the courage to do that, he should at least contact me on social media or something. It seems like nowadays women are expected to approach men, just as much as men approach women. But why?! Why can I no longer expect chivalry? Why can’t a man initiate in the beginning?

I feel pressured to start conversations with men at parties. I have these thoughts that I’ll lose my opportunity to ever be with a man I like if I don’t initiate. Another part of me feels that if things are meant to be, they will happen. But then again, that first voice tells me that while this may be true I must still take advantage of my opportunities. I’m confused, distressed and anxious about this. I often wish that I was less socially awkward and had more confidence to approach cute men at parties. But I truly feel that it’s not my style to do that. Is it something I have to push myself or is it acceptable to think that men should usually take on the role of merely initiating things with me? 

Knowing myself, I feel like I need a man with confidence and guts. A man who is going to be able to “handle me”. I may be shy when it comes to meeting men and making small talk at parties but once I feel comfortable I have a lot of “personality”. Am I wrong to assume that if a man who’s actually interested in me isn’t courageous enough to introduce himself to me, he most likely won’t be confident enough to be in a relationship with me? It’s possible that I would be better matched with a man who’s shy, though. Meaning, maybe I should initiate conversations with men. I don’t want to approach men but am I missing out by not doing so?

I may not have much to lose by approaching a man but unless the setting naturally presents itself to me (for example, we literally bump into each other), I really don't feel comfortable doing so. I make an effort to put myself out there by going to parties, for example. I don’t expect a man to line up at my door waiting to meet me with chocolate and a teddy bear (that can be reserved for a later time) but to walk across the room at a party to get to know me or at least say hi. Do I have unrealistic expectations for still expecting an old-fashioned, men approach women approach?

Love,
Faigy



Sunday, October 8, 2017

Dear Diary (Week 21),

I’m working hard to better myself. There are deeply ingrained behaviours that aren’t working for me in my life that I must undo. But I’m willing to put in the effort because I want change in my relationship life. I want to be happier. I want to attract the right men. And I want to rid myself of the toxicity in my life. The hardest part is that while I want change in my personal life, I have a hard time finding men who want the same thing in theirs. I don’t picture myself happy being with a man who doesn’t introspect and seek to better himself. That choice is entirely up to the individual. All I can do is not get involved with men who are like that.

An adult man should take responsibility for his own actions and seek to grow. I get frustrated with men who don’t even think twice about that because they just don’t care. That’s selfish. That’s not caring about how your words and actions affect others. When you’re self-aware, you’re more aware of things and people around you. Maybe if I met a man who does care I wouldn’t find myself constantly explaining how I feel, only to have him judge me for it. I’m done giving men too many chances, only to have them fail me. It’s not my job to teach men basic values of respect and compassion. I would be more than happy to support a man in his self-growth journey but he must take the initiative.

I have high expectations and I’m not backing down. I was too lenient too often. In the end, I invited trouble and got really hurt. Through all the negativity though, I learned more about my needs in a relationship. More importantly, that I deserve more than the at best mediocre treatment I’ve received from men. There’s nothing wrong with a woman who knows what she wants. And there’s nothing wrong with a woman who has high (but reasonable) expectations from the men she dates. The problem lies in the men who can’t handle such a woman and criticize her instead of making the effort it takes to be with her.

I’m definitely not asking for Prince Charming. He’s not at all my type. I ask for a well-intentioned man who will give me the respect and time I deserve. I ask for a man who can look beyond his own needs and be conscientious of mine. I ask for an imperfect man who works on himself. I ask for a man who is kind, caring and emotionally intelligent. Mind you, I’m not just asking for these things, without expecting them from myself. I’m not asking period. I’m saying: this is what I expect. Expecting particular things might make me seem particular. But these particular things signal to me that I got a good man by my side. And yes, I’m a particular person but I’m reasonable too. More importantly, I tend to expect much more from myself than I do from others.

Love,
Faigy