Don’t you just hate it when a guy tells you that
you’re “over-reacting” or “too emotional” and “you just have to relax”? These
words make me feel misunderstood and frustrated. Thing is, we don’t owe an
explanation to anyone on why we feel the way we feel. And considering the
importance of communication in any sort of relationship, no guy should criticize
you for expressing your emotions.
I’m not a confrontational person or the type that
gets upset often over trivial matters and it’s frustrating to constantly have
my emotions put on trial. Recently, I’ve experienced this on a whole new level with
a guy I trusted. I’ll call him “Z”. I met Z, a tourist, at a
place I’ve been frequenting for several years now and where I’ve always felt
safe. At the end of the night, when I found out that Z was staying in my
neighborhood, we decided to walk back together to our respective homes.
I had to walk because it was Shabbat and I’m not allowed to take transportation
during Shabbat. I thought that I would be safer walking the long walk home, at
such a late hour, with someone else but I was wrong. Z and I were passing
by a big park (the scariest part of my walk), deep in conversation, when out of
nowhere and I mean NOWHERE, he gets close to me and kisses me in a way
that made me feel violated. I felt that the way he went about the kiss and his
intentions were misplaced (it was very late, I barely knew him, I was alone
with him, we weren’t on a date/never dated, etc.). I was shocked by the kiss,
as I didn’t sense any sort of attraction/chemistry between us. What makes the
kiss even more disrespectful is that this guy barely knows anything about me-what
if I have a boyfriend, what if I’m celibate, what if I’m a lesbian…
I felt very betrayed that someone I trusted could
turn on me like that and I told him that what he did was not ok. He tried to
defend himself but the more he spoke, the worse I felt. He was telling me that
he thought he was helping me live in the moment, by kissing me and he was
telling me to “relax”, as he kept trying to kiss me. Z blamed me,
telling me that he got signals from me and so I apologized. But in thinking about
it, I knew that I was NOT in the wrong. Also, right before we parted ways, Z
told me not to tell anyone, which made the situation creepier. If I did indeed
keep what happened to myself and repressed my emotions, it would’ve only given him
control in deciding how I dealt with my emotions.
As I was trying to make sense of the experience,
I found myself questioning my emotions. I was telling myself those dreadful
things that guys have told me in the past: “you’re over-reacting”, “you’re too
emotional”. In doing this, I was being unfair to myself. There’s nothing
rational about emotions and there’s nothing wrong with that. That is, even if I
don’t fully understand why I felt the way I felt when Z kissed me, it
doesn’t make the way I feel any less normal. Because it doesn’t matter what
others think about this situation, what matters is how I, the one who
experienced it feels about it. And EVEN IF I was overly emotional, my feelings
are still valid. I don’t need to defend my feelings to anyone, or to myself for
that matter.
Ladies, NEVER allow a guy to decide how u “should”
feel. Accept the way you feel because whatever you feel is valid; don’t ever
believe anyone who tells you otherwise. This doesn’t meant that you can express
yourself in any way you please (violence is never appropriate, for example) or
that you should let your emotions affect your life in a negative way. Keep in
mind that emotions are very powerful so don’t work against them, as that will
only lead to trouble, sooner or later. And do you really want to be with a guy
who tells you that when you’re less emotional, he’ll be willing to talk to you
(true story)? We deserve better. We deserve to be with a guy who respects us
and our emotions and seeks to make us feel better, instead of criticizing us
for feeling the way we feel.
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