Dear Diary (Week 27),

I am desperate.
Desperate to find a balance between being myself, while not too much of myself.

Desperate to find a decent man who will treat me like I deserve to be treated.

I deserve to be treated with respect, affection and kindness.

And not as a means to an end but as an end in itself. 

Not only do I deserve to be treated as such but I expect it.

I expect it and rightly so.

If I do not expect it, no one will for me.

If I do not expect it, I will be taken advantage of.

I know because I already have.

I am often too nice to men.

My niceness has mostly been matched with selfishness, coldness and bad intentions.

It’s not like I want to stop being nice.

But my niceness makes me vulnerable.

I am ok with showing vulnerability.

But my vulnerability must have been conflated with weakness too many times.

Because it is through my vulnerability that men gained control of my heart and mind.

They messed with me and messed me up a little.

So now I keep my guard up because I want to be seen as strong.

Too strong to mess with.

I realize that as a human being, I am inherently flawed.

I do not aim for perfection.

I aim for safety.

I tried protecting myself and keeping my guard down all at once by being careful who I trust.

But that just left me confused.

Confused because I do not know who, when and how much to trust someone.

Confused because I want to be nice so I can be seen as approachable. However, not too approachable so I can stay away from trouble.

I desire to find love and keep away from trouble all at once.

Why is that so complicated?

Love,

Faigy