Dear Diary (Week 31),

I hope to fall in love one day with a great human being, rather than the concept of him. I’m not looking to be with someone so we can prove our love all over social media. I’m not looking for the picture-perfect kind of love. I’m looking for something pure. I’m looking for someone who’ll love me so much and vice-versa that when we’re in each other’s presence our love will light up the space we’re in. I’m looking for the kind of love that radiates, no picture taken and no words spoken.

Love to me so far has been nothing more than an illusion. Love seems so ungraspable, far removed from reality, merely a dream. Why is love so hard to find? At best potential dissipated into nothingness. At best I trusted wolves in sheep’s skin. At best I lived in a bubble of hope for better. I settled for who I thought these men could be but never were just to avoid my own company. I hate being single. For some reason being single feels lonely, even though I’m blessed with wonderful people who care about me in my life. 

I sometimes wish I was satisfied with loving the concept of someone. At least that way I could live in bliss. Being blinded by love can be a gift, a pleasurable distraction from loneliness. Ultimately, I know that for a healthy relationship it’s best to love the person rather than the concept of him/her. I want to recognize the other person and vice-versa, for who they are, flaws and all and still accept him/be accepted. I want us to create a space where we can talk about everything and anything openly. I want us to also feel so comfortable that awkward silences don’t exist. I want those things that truly matter to me.

I don’t expect him to change. I want him to just be and I hope that he becomes. I’m not falling in love with who he could be but who he is. I want to be with someone who seeks to grow in his own development and to help me grow our love for each other. I’m not asking for the dream man or a dreamy kind of love. I’m just asking for the imperfect man who complements my imperfections perfectly. I want the kind of love that is realistic, tangible and conceivable. When will my dreams come true?

Love,

Faigy