On Learning To Say “No”

I think saying “no” to a guy is the hardest thing for me in a relationship. I don’t like conflict and I try to avoid it, even when I have a price to pay. Further, I tend to put my partner’s needs before mine to keep him satisfied. I convince myself that I “want” what he wants and that I “should” do it, although I feel extremely uncomfortable. It’s happened several times to me where a guy tries to have sex with me and I just sort of go along with it. While my mind is screaming “no” my lips remain shut and my body goes along with the motions….It’s very hard to explain, let alone make sense of it myself. What really upsets me is how some of these guys are unable to read my body language or simply ignore it. When a guy sees that I’m acting nervous or uncomfortable then they should ask me why this is so or back off. Instead, my silence is taken as a green light by the guy. Despite all this, I would say that I’m generally a pretty assertive person and I always speak my mind. So it’s all the more strange that I end up in these sort of situations too often. I struggle between being assertive and being that person that avoids conflict.

While I don’t want to cause conflict between my partner and I, I’ve learned that one must take care of his/her own needs, even if this may cause others to be unhappy. Not only do we owe it to ourselves to take care of our own needs, we also owe it to our partner.  If our needs are not met then eventually the relationship will deteriorate, as we will be unhappy. Additionally, if our partner really cared about us, he/she would appreciate that we have the self-worth to take care of our needs and will be inclined to satisfy them too. Someone who doesn’t bother with our needs, is someone who doesn’t care about us. Even if the relationship is casual, our partner should have our needs, even if only physical, in mind. For example, if our partner is only concerned about his/her own pleasure during sex, than he/she is being selfish and we deserve better than being with a selfish person! I mean, telling our partner that our needs are not being met, might lead him/her to act upon them. But if our partner remains selfish then it’s probably best to move on.

Basically, we must communicate with our partner in order to be able to satisfy each other’s needs. If communication doesn’t help then it shows a lack of concern for the dignity and care of the other person. If our partner doesn’t care, it’s best to be dignified and move on.