Dear Diary (Week 20),

Would I date myself? Yes and no. Yes because I have great qualities that would add a lot to any relationship. I'm genuine, honest, caring and selfless. My personality adds flavour to my relationships. Thing is, I have a dark side too, which doesn't make me such an ideal candidate for a partner. In relationships, I'm quick to judge, reactive, impatient and harsh at times. In fact, the dark side is what most men get to see. Only once I start letting my guards down is my sweet interior revealed. First impressions matter and I probably don't give off a great impression.

I don't blame myself for being quick to judge, reactive, impatient and even harsh at times because I've been hurt so often by men. But I still believe it's my responsibility to try my best to overcome my struggles and become a more desirable partner. Time only heals if we deal with our pain in healthy ways. Some of my pain might always accompany me but I hope that I can come to a point where I focus on the lessons rather than the painful experiences themselves. When I feel saddened by dark memories, I can feel relief as I know that there's meaning in my pain. It's very difficult to put my pain aside and not make presumptions about the men I date but I must try harder.

I don't want to mess up a great opportunity to be with a great man. When he comes into my life, I want to be ready to give him and the relationship my all. I want to say with confidence that I would date myself. I want what I portray on the outside to be aligned with who I'm on the inside. When a great man walks into my life, I want him to take me as I am but more importantly for who I'm becoming through hard work. My fear of being hurt and the way I express that through my actions and words (assumptions, harshness, etc.) is perhaps what's keeping good men away from me. Why should a man want to be with me, if I treat him like a criminal from the get-go?

I better start counting my blessings and change my "I'm a victim" mindset. I'm not a victim. I've persevered through so much turmoil and came out with a stronger sense of self. I must continue to work on myself so that when a great man comes into my life I can be ready for him and cherish our moments together. I want to be able to appreciate him for his kindness and compassion rather than waiting for him to screw up. I will continue to actualize who I'm meant to be so that I can proudly say that I would date myself.

Love,
Faigy