Dear Diary (Week 25),

I'm strong because I express my opinions, even if it means disagreeing with someone, share my feelings even if that might put me in a vulnerable position and because I don’t settle, even if it means being lonely. I'm strong because I'm different than what I’m “supposed” to be.

I wish I was stronger. Yet, society tells me that I, a woman must not be too strong, if I ever want a man to fall in love with me. Men are raised not to fall in love with women like me. Women like me emasculate men. Women like me aren’t afraid to speak their mind, even if it means disappointing their partner. Women like me won’t just fulfill all the man’s desires, for fear of losing his interest. I’ve become more assertive with men but not assertive enough. I hate disappointing men so I tend to go out of my way to avoid disappointing them. This unfortunate reality creates a situation where I expect men to invest as much effort as I do in our relationship but when that doesn’t happen, I become disappointed. Not only with the man but with myself too because I’m left to feel foolish for putting in so much effort. I’m left doubting my ability to make good choices in my relationships.

For a long time I felt weak. I let people make me feel weak. I let people diminish me and steal my self-esteem. But after much hard work, I regained my strength and self-esteem. To be in a relationship, it’s important to put one’s guards down but out of fear of being hurt I often don’t. Yet, out of desire of finding companionship, love and an end to my loneliness, I put my guards down too often. I’m strong when I’m “supposed” to be weak and weak when I’m “supposed” to be strong. I’m everything but what I’m “supposed” to be. Yet, unapologetically me.

Love,

Faigy